President David Dennison (aka: DD)
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President Dennison,
Did you notice I called you “President Dennison” instead of President TRUMP? That’s because David Dennison is the name you used in that agreement with Stephanie Clifford which you never signed where she promised she wouldn’t talk about the affair you had with her. The one where she says you and she had “generic sex.” The one where she says you chased her around the room in your white underwear.
The one where she says she spanked you with a rolled up Forbes magazine with a picture of you on the cover.
Forbes magazine? You can’t get any more “generic” than that!
Stephanie Clifford has a fake name too—it’s Stormy Daniels. That’s the name she uses in her porn movies. I just have one question: Did you call her Stephanie or Stormy?
Also, did she call you David or Donald? Or did she call you Carlos Danger?
Whoops! Different sex scandal. Anthony Weiner was Carlos Danger. I think he’s in jail now.
By the way, that affair Stormy Daniels doesn’t say she had with you started a month after Melania had your baby.
His name is Barron.
Speaking of jail, maybe you should go by “David Dennison” from now on. That way, when Mueller hands you a subpoena for President Donald TRUMP, you can say, “There’s nobody here by the name of Donald TRUMP. My name is President David Dennison. But if I see him, I’ll be sure to give this to him.”
But that’s not the reason I’m writing. I get so distracted! It’s like the Russia investigation. Fake News says Flynn, Manafort, Papadopoulis, and Carter Page are indicted and singing like canaries! Fake News says the Russians have been “playing” you ever since 2013 when you had your Miss Universe contest there and you were dying to meet Putin so you could build your TRUMP Tower in Russia. They say Donald Jr. and Kushner met with Russians in TRUMP Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. They say your old buddy Roger Stone met with Julian Assange before Assange started his WikiLeaks dump.
It’s all so distracting! When Fake News is yakking about All-Things-Russia, how am I supposed to stay focused on what’s really important which is: FIRST YOU OFFERED A PORN STAR A CONDO TO OPEN HER MOUTH, THAN YOU PAID HER $130,000 IN CAMPAIGN FUNDS TO CLOSE IT!
But I’m distracted again! I haven’t even gotten to why I’m writing you. It’s my wife Viola. Remember the day you were inaugurated? Huge crowd! Biggest crowd in history! There were almost as many people at your inauguration as there are teenagers marching against guns today!
Where was I? Oh, right—Viola. On your Inauguration Day, Viola made a prediction. Here’s what she said: “Carl, I predict that monster you just elected president will be gone in April 2018.”
“Gone? April 2018?” I said. “Viola, what do you mean? He’s going to make America so great, he’ll be president for life!”
“No, Carl,” said Viola. “President Xi of China will make himself ruler for life. But your guy? I predict one way or another he’ll be gone in April 2018. Maybe the Russia investigation will catch up with him. Maybe the Republican cannibals will eat him alive before he turns them into fertilizer on the dung heap of history. Maybe the loose tooth he calls his sanity will finally come off its last hinge.
“Maybe he’ll overdose on cheeseburgers.”
Viola continued. “I feel it in my bones. You watch, Carl. I don’t know how, but in April 2018, the crazy train will go off the tracks.”
It’s hard to take Viola seriously when she talks like that. You know women. It’s like when you pay them $130,000 so they won’t talk about your affair, and then they go on 60 Minutes and blab—just because you never signed the contract!
But then again, Viola predicted Xi would make himself ruler for life and that’s coming true. April is right around the corner. Which reminds me:
Thanks for the tax break! I think I’ll save $1.50 a week in taxes now! But Paul Ryan was wrong—it’s not enough for a Costco membership. Not with my Starbuck’s habit!
Speaking of taxes, do you think this year you’ll release your returns? I bet now, with your tax break, you can afford to get fries with your Big Macs anytime you want!
You see? Distracted again! It’s so hard to stay on track! What I’m writing to say is this: Please hang on as president until after April! I’ve got a $6.00 bet with Viola that says you will. If I win, that’s a month’s worth of tax breaks!
Stormy Daniels’ Pal on Trump: ‘He Would Call All the Time’
Uh, oh. This looks like trouble! Stormy Daniels’ friend Keith Munyan says he used to “eavesdrop” on your phone calls to her. And we know he’s telling the truth because he made a positive identification. Here’s what he said:
“He would call all the time. That man can talk about nothing for hours.”
That proves it! He couldn’t have identified you with such pinpoint precision unless he heard you himself!
But what’s this? More BREAKING NEWS!!!
Hearing Set in Stormy Daniels Lawsuit Against Trump Set For July 12
This is fantastic news! I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, how could this be good news? A sex scandal mixed with a campaign finance violation could bring me down!”
And I say to you, sir, with all due respect: How can you be so shortsighted? The Stormy Daniels hearing is July 12. Do you know what’s happening on July 10? I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you:
July 10 is the date the Paul Manafort trial starts!
Are you with me now? What do you think the American people care about: Treason or sex with a porn star?
You see? Most Americans can’t even find Russia on a map! Even if the map says, “Russia.”
But pictures of Stormy’s fake breasts on Fake News? Now THAT gets their attention!
This Stormy Daniels story is the best thing that ever happened to you! It will take people’s minds off the Russia investigation faster than you can say, “High crimes and misdemeanors!”
Hang in there till May!
P.S. Remember when Cassius Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali? Everybody was so mad! But eventually they loved him and came around to call him Muhammad Ali. Stick to your principles! “David Dennison” has a nice ring to it. It’ll just take people a little time to get used to it.
P.P.S. Please send me a photo and sign “David Dennison.” Make it to my grandson, Lester. David Dennison is his favorite fake name. He likes it even better than Carlos Danger!
P.P.S. If you sign “David Dennison,” will it look any different from your signature now? Try to make it look more like a barre code instead of an electrocardiogram.