3001 South Lamar
Austin, TX 78704
Dear Mr. Jones,
I hate to say it but now my wife Viola is spreading FAKE NEWS too. Sometimes Viola is so hard to reason with! She refused to believe you when you said the government put chemicals in our water to turn people gay.
She denied it when you said Hillary Clinton was part of a pizzeria child sex trafficking scheme.
And get this: She still believes Obama is a U.S. citizen!
Last night we had a big argument because YouTube reprimanded you and took down your video that proved David Hogg and other Parkland high school “shooting victims” were in, fact, “crisis actors” who were pretending to be students.
Viola said, “Carl, look up ‘asshole’ in the dictionary and you’ll see a picture of Alex Jones!”
So I did just that, and guess what? FAKE NEWS! I looked up “asshole” and there wasn’t one word about you!
Just so there’s no doubt, I will tell you exactly how Webster’s defines “asshole:”
2. a stupid, mean, or contemptible person.
b. the worst part of a place or thing
You see? Webster’s never even mentioned you! I think you should go on your radio show and tell your millions of listeners that there’s a conspiracy to spread the lie that the dictionary says you’re an asshole and then read the definition to prove those liberals wrong, once and for all!
If you can convince your millions of listeners that the moon landing was fake, I bet you can convince them that you’re not an asshole too!
I’ll tell you someone else who doesn’t think you’re an asshole: Donald Trump, Jr. When you posted that video proving those high school students were “crisis actors,” Donald Trump, Jr. “liked” it. Then he tweeted this:
“I’m just so sorry that these people have lost their faith in America, because I know I certainly haven’t.”
And neither have you, Alex Jones! No one is braver than you when it comes to defending our 2nd Amendment! When 20 children and six teachers were killed at Sandy Hook elementary school, who else had the courage to stand before millions of radio listeners and announce the obvious:
The shooting was “a hoax.” It was “staged.” “It’s got inside job written all over it.”
Here’s what else you said:
“I’ve looked at it and undoubtedly there’s a cover-up, there’s actors, they’re manipulating, they’ve been caught lying, and they were pre-planning before it and rolled out with it.”
Some people will believe anything, and I’m afraid my wife Viola is one of them! Do you know she still thinks the earth is round?
But my point is this: There is a left wing conspiracy to take away our God-given right to own as many assault rifles, bazookas, and nuclear warheads as it takes to protect us from a tyrannical government that has already staged 18 school shootings this year just to dupe people like my wife, Viola, into thinking there’s a need for sensible gun laws!
And it is you, Alex Jones, who is willing to throw your giant body between our sick society and the truth!
By the way, I’ve been looking at your InfoWars products and trying to figure out what to buy. You have so many! I wonder if you could help me decide? Which is best?:
Caveman True Paleo Formula-The Ultimate in true Paleo Nutrition with Bone Broth, Turmeric Root, Chaga Mushroom, Bee Pollen, and other Ancient Supernutrients.
Survival Shield X-2-Nascent Iodine-Leading the way into the next generation of super high quality nascent iodine, the new Infowars Life Survival Shield X-2 is now here.
Brain Force Plus-Flip the switch and supercharge your state of mind with the all-new Brain Force PLUS: 20% more capsules and a critically enhanced formula featuring a brand new ingredient and increased potency* – all for the same low price.
Also, my wife Viola has a really weird habit. She likes to read. I wonder which one of these books you would recommend for her book club:
Vaccine Epidemic-How Corporate Greed, Biased Science, and Coercive Government Threaten Our Human Rights, Our Health, and Our Children
The Case Against Fluoride-How hazardous waste ended up in our drinking water and the bad science and powerful politics that keep it there
The Emergency Pantry Handbook-How to prepare your family for just about everything
One more question: I looked all through your InfoWars products but there was one item I wasn’t able to find:
Do you sell tin hats? Also, Kool-Aid. Do you have any Kool-Aid I could buy?
P.S. Here’s someone else who doesn’t think you’re an asshole: President TRUMP. You talk to him all the time! Here’s one of the many things he has said about you over the years. He said your show is:
“…one of the greatest influences I’ve ever seen. … It’s greater than you know. Just know that your influence is second to none.”
Next time you talk to him, will you do me a favor? Ask him to answer my letters once in a while. I know he reads them because he follows my advice all the time.
I know, I know! You’re saying, “But Carl, President TRUMP follows my advice more than yours!”
And I say to you, “Don’t get your ego all bunched up in your boxers! I know President TRUMP listens to you even more than Sean Hannity! I’m not looking for credit. I just think it wouldn’t hurt him to pick up a pen and paper and write me once in a while. George W. Bush answered my letters. President
TRUMP can too!
P.P.S. And so can you! When you answer my letter, please enclose an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite fringe conspiracy theorist. He likes you even better than Rush Limbaugh!