Executive Vice President and CEO
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
There’s a deranged lunatic on the loose and we have to stop him! He’s been running around poisoning people’s minds with all kinds of sick and twisted thoughts, and now he’s getting in our president’s head! Do you want to know what this madman has been telling President TRUMP to say? Well, here it is:
“It’s called concealed carry, where a teacher would have a concealed gun on them. They’d go for special training and they would be there and you would no longer have a gun-free zone. Gun-free zone to a maniac, because they’re all cowards, a gun-free zone is: ‘Let’s go in and let’s attack, because bullets aren’t coming back at us’.”
Can you believe it??? Talk about “maniacs!” What kind of maniac would say something like:
“Schools must be the most hardened targets in this country, and evil must be confronted immediately with all necessary force to protect our kids. To stop a bad guy with a gun, it takes a good guy with a gun.”
What’s that you say? Oh. That was you? Ok, Mr. LaPierre, I have three words for you and here they are:
ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ CRAZY!!!???
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, that’s four words.”
And I say to you, Mr. LaPierre, you’re changing the subject faster than Dana Loesch can say: “Many in legacy media love mass shootings.”
My point is this: I know your heart is in the right place. You want to arm the teachers. You want to put armed guards in every school. You want to “harden” every school so it’s more secure than Fort Bragg!
What’s that? You’re saying, “But Carl, Fort Bragg is where that sniper opened fire on an athletic field, killing a soldier and wounding twenty more.”
You see? That’s my point! Arming the teachers isn’t enough! Hiring armed security isn’t enough! Turning every school into a military base isn’t enough! There’s only one thing to do, and I think you know what it is:
Arm the kids!
On the first day of school, every child K through 12 should be issued an AR-15! It’s the only thing that makes sense! Can you imagine the look on the face of some deranged gunman when he breaks through the sandbags blocking the elementary school entrance, shoots his way through the barred windows, blows away the security guard, only to find himself looking down the barrels of thirty AR-15s being pointed at him by thirty pissed off kindergarteners?
He’d be out of there faster than you can say: “The presence of a firearm makes us all safer.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, protecting our kindergarteners is all well and good, but what about our day care centers?”
Right again, Mr. LaPierre! That’s why you’re the CEO of the National Rifle Association and I’m just a little neighborhood grocer. You are the man with the vision! If we want to fully protect America, we must issue an AR-15 to every child in every day care center! It’s the only thing that makes sense!
And while we’re at it, let’s issue an AR-15 to every spectator at every sporting event, every movie theater, and every flyer when he or she boards an airplane!
Just think of the gun sales!
Speaking of “the presence of a firearm makes us all safer,” did you know that Americans own more than 300 million firearms? We must be the safest country in the history of the planet!
Look at the facts:
The US has an average of 88 guns per 100 people. We’re Number One! Not only that but we blow our competitors out of the water! Yemen is Number Two in gun ownership, and they only have a measly 54.8 guns per 100 people!
And guess how many gun murders we had last year:
That’s 27 gun deaths a day! Just to compare how great we are to England! They have 6% gun ownership, and here’s how many gun deaths they had:
Norway has 31% gun ownership, and here’s how many gun deaths they had:
No wonder President TRUMP wishes more Norwegians would move here!
Question: What does every one of America’s 9146 gun deaths have in common:
It just goes to show! There’s only one thing to do:
Buy more guns!
P.S. Speaking of President TRUMP, were you the one who gave him that hand written note with five things he should remember to say when he was talking to those high school shooting victims? It looks like someone gave him some really good advice. Number 1 said:
“What would you want me to know most about your experience?”
Number 2 started to say:
“What can we do to help you feel….”
I couldn’t read the rest of Number 2 because his large hands were covering it up. Numbers 3 and 4 were also covered by his large hands, but here’s what Number 5 said:
“I hear you.”
It’s just like you said: “Evil walks among us.”
To which I say, Mr. LaPierre: “I hear you.”