Speaker Paul Ryan
1233 Longworth HOB
Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear Speaker Ryan,
I have a simple question and here it is:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
And you know exactly what I’m talking about! I saw you at the State of the Union speech. We all did! But the important thing is President TRUMP did. Over and over and over!
Do you think that when they left him alone for two hours to read the 4-page Nunes memo, he was actually reading it? Come on, Speaker Ryan! You weren’t born in that Boy Scout uniform!
You and I know what the president was doing while he was supposed to be reading the Nunes memo: He was watching replays of his State of the Union speech. Over and over and over!
And he didn’t like what he saw! For example, when he said this:
“Because Americans are dreamers too.”
What did Pence do? He leapt to his feet! He beamed proudly like a father watching his son taking his first steps. He clapped so hard his hands turned to hamburger!
But you? No, Speaker Ryan, you stood up with the enthusiasm of a 90-year-old man at a yoga class!
While Pence applauded with the speed and intensity of a hummingbird, your hands clapped like two fornicating tortoises!
And would it hurt to try to smile a little harder? Have you seen those pictures of TRUMP with Stormy Daniels? She managed to smile like she meant it! If she can, so can you!
You smiled more like Melania than Stormy Daniels.
And what’s with that brown spot on your nose? At first I thought it was my TV, but I know there’s nothing wrong with my TV because I just bought a brand new flat screen. I had to replace the last one because my wife, Viola, threw her shoe through it. I think it was when TRUMP said this:
“Look, it used to not be climate change, it used to be global warming. That wasn’t working too well because it was getting too cold all over the place.”
It’s a good thing I’m getting a tax cut! I’m going to need it to pay for all the TVs Viola keeps breaking!
Where was I? Oh yeah—your brown nose. I just think that when our President is speaking, you should try harder to smile! Stop looking like Melania at 2:00am when TRUMP is picking the lock on her door!
Speaking of the Nunes memo, here’s what you said:
"I am glad that this memo helps to provide greater transparency, and I reiterate my support for the similar release of the minority’s memo once it is properly scrubbed of all intelligence sources and methods. It is critical that we focus on specific actions and specific actors and not use this memo to impugn the integrity of the justice system and FBI, which continue to serve the American people with honor."
I said it before and I’ll say it again:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
Of course we have to “use this memo to impugn the integrity of the justice system and the FBI!” If we don’t impugn the integrity of the justice system and the FBI, how are we going to keep President TRUMP from being impeached?
I just don’t think you’ve thought this through, Mr. Speaker. You went on to say:
"This is a completely separate matter from Bob Mueller's investigation, and his investigation should be allowed to take his course.”
What on earth are you talking about? You and I know that if you allow Mueller’s investigation to “take his course,” our president will be impeached faster than you can say:
“Fusion GPS was first hired to investigate Republican candidates by a right wing Republican billionaire, and only later did the DNC hire Fusion GPS to continue its investigation, and only then did they hire former British intelligence officer and Russian expert Richard Steele to explore the TRUMP campaign’s Russian connections, and it was only after he had compiled a dossier of his discoveries that he turned it over to the FBI because he was so horrified at what he had found.”
What’s it going to take to make you smile more convincingly? Are you waiting for a $130,000 payout too?
Get on board, Mr. Speaker! Stormy Daniels can fake it, so can you!
P.S. Speaking of tax cuts, why did you delete your tweet this morning? You know, the one that said:
“A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week ... she said will more than cover her Costco membership for the year.”
You see? That’s your problem. You teach our citizens a perfect civics lesson, and then you step all over your message by deleting it. Tell your story, Mr. Speaker! Explain to the public why Republicans control all three branches of government! It’s because they know the value of tough love! You know the old saying:
Give a man a fish and he will have a meal;
Give a man a $1.50 a week tax break and he will have a Costco membership.
P.P.S. Give a woman a $1.50 a week tax break and she will have a Costco membership and have enough left over to buy a pussy hat.