President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House (“a real dump”)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to wish you:
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY!
And what better way to celebrate than to take the MLK Pledge:
“I am not a racist.”
Remember when Nixon said, “I am not a crook.”
And it was true! Answer me this question: Was Nixon ever convicted of anything?
Of course not! President Ford pardoned him before he could be convicted. Nixon was only an alleged crook!
And you are only an alleged racist! And an alleged crook. I have another question:
Do you think Pence will pardon you like Ford pardoned Nixon?
I sure hope so! I would hate to see a former president go to jail just because he colluded with Russians, obstructed justice, laundered money, and committed tax fraud.
Where was I? Oh, right—Martin Luther King Day. MLK Day is a day of service. Americans all across this great country of ours honor Martin Luther King’s dream by serving others. So what better way for you to serve than to be out on the links making pars and birdies for the golf courses of our land!
I hope you gave your caddie a really good tip!
Where was I? Oh right—you’re not a racist. This is a tricky political puzzle. It’s like when someone asks: How many porn stars have you had affairs with?
No matter what you say, you sound guilty. But here’s how you can turn crisis into opportunity:
In the last week, there have been three reports of porn stars who you paid off to keep quiet. Allegedly. There was Stormy Daniels, who your lawyer Michael Cohen paid $130,000 to shut up right before the election.
There was Jessica Drake who Daily Beast was told is “not allowed to discuss President Donald J. Trump on account of a non-disclosure agreement she signed barring her from any such talk.”
And there was the Playboy centerfold Karen McDougal who sold her story to the National Enquirer, and guess what? National Enquirer never printed it!
Who says National Enquirer is nothing but a sensation-seeking cesspool of journalistic slime?
I’m sure you’re way ahead of me, but the bigger point is this:
What race were all three porn stars who you allegedly had affairs with? You see? So far we’ve only come up with white girls with breast implants who are young enough to be your granddaughters and could be anchors on FOX-News.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, only two of them were blonde! Karen McDougal is a brunette! That’s diversity!”
And I say, sir, with all due respect, we need to do better than that. Wrack your brain! Have you ever had an affair with a black porn star? A Latino?
No, no! Russians don’t count! Neither do Norwegians!
If you can’t think of any, you’ll just have to make something up! It’s the only way you can prove to the Fake Media you’re not a racist! You can say, “You see? I’m not a racist! I’ll have an affair with a porn star of any race or color! I’m the least racist philanderer of anybody you’ve ever interviewed!”
That will put those “racist” accusations to bed. So to speak.
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Enjoy your day of golf service!
P.S. “Shithole” Update #1: The reviews are in and it’s unanimous! You are the Most Famous Person In The World! Here’s a sampling:
“Racist…disgraceful…no place in the relations between nations or people, even less so in the mouth of a president of a nation friendly to Haiti.” —Le Nouvelliste (Haiti’s largest newspaper)
“Good morning from the greatest, most beautiful ‘shithole country’ in the world!!” —Leanne Manas, broadcaster for South Africa’s SABC
And Botswanna even summoned the American ambassador “to clarify whether Botswana is regarded as a ‘shithole’ country.” They also asked why “President Trump must use this descriptor and derogatory word when talking about countries with whom the U.S. has had cordial and mutually beneficial bilateral relations for many years.”
Now every African country is summoning their American ambassador to talk about you. You see? Everybody notices you now!
“Shithole” Update #2: Lindsey Graham is sticking to his story that you called Haiti and African nations “shithole countries.” Here’s what he said:
“My memory hasn’t evolved.”
Here’s what else he said:
“I know what was said and I know what I said.”
On Saturday, Tom Cotton and David Perdue didn’t know what was said—they “couldn’t recall.” But on Sunday, their memories “evolved” and now they never heard you call Haiti and African nations “shithole countries.”
I can’t believe it! Here we are in the 21st century and we’re still arguing about evolution!
“Shithole” Update #3: Josh Dawsey from the Washington Post just tweeted this:
"White House official told me tonight there is debate internally on whether Trump said 'shithole' or 'shithouse.' Perdue and Cotton seem to have heard latter, this person said, and are using to deny."
It’s just like you said! You never said “shithole countries!” You said “shithouse countries!”
I knew it! We ARE evolving!