President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House (“a real dump”)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I’ve been studying the Constitution lately and I think I’d better explain a couple of things to you. OK, stop rolling your eyes and pulling your lip!
That’s what you did when they sent in Sam Nunberg to explain the Constitution to you. Here’s what he said:
"I got as far as the Fourth Amendment before his finger is pulling down on his lip and his eyes are rolling back in his head."
Don’t worry. There’s only one amendment that I need to tell you about, so put down your cheeseburger, turn off FOX-News and listen up!
The 25th Amendment!
Please, sir, stop tweeting and put down your phone for just one minute! This is important! OK, I’ll tell you what--I won’t even read the whole 25th Amendment to you. I’ll just read Section 4.
OK, OK! Section 4 is too long. I’ll just read some excerpts. Are you listening? Here goes:
Section 4. Whenever the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President….(dot-dot-dot-dot)
You see? I’m writing it just like your tweets so it’s easy for you: dot-dot-dot-dot
….(dot-dot-dot-dot) If the Congress….(dot-dot-dot-dot) determines by two-thirds vote of both Houses that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall continue to discharge the same as Acting President; otherwise, the President shall resume the powers and duties of his office.
You’re rolling your eyes and pulling your lip again! OK, just one tweet and then let me explain this to you…. (dot-dot-dot-dot)
OK, ready? I will translate Section 4 of the 25th Amendment in two words that you’ll understand:
THIS IS A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS, MR. PRESIDENT! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HOLD ON TO YOUR JOB WHEN THE CONSTITUTION PLAINLY SAYS THAT THE VICE-PRESIDENT AND CONGRESS CAN STEAL IT FROM YOU IF YOU’RE “UNABLE TO DISCHARGE YOUR DUTIES”???!!!
The wolves are gathering at your doorstep! No, no--not real wolves. Real wolves have hardly ever hurt anybody! OK, OK, I know you’re saying, “But Carl, there was a lady in Alaska who was killed by a wolf-dog hybrid in 2005. There was a kid who died of rabies after a wolf bite in 1943. And we still haven’t gotten over that guy who was killed by a pack of wolves in 1922! He shot seven of them and clubbed four of them to death, so I guess it came out about even.”
Where was I? Oh yeah—wolves. And not the kind Sarah Palin shoots from her helicopter! The only wolf you need to worry about is that Michael Wolff guy who wrote “Fire and Fury.” Here’s how often he said your staff talks about the 25th Amendment:
“All the time.”
Here’s what else he said:
“Actually, they would say, sort of in the mid-period, ‘We’re not at a 25th Amendment level yet.’ And then this went on: ‘Okay, this is a little 25th Amendment.’ The 25th Amendment is a concept that is alive every day in the White House.”
Your enemies are closing in! Pence wants your job! He’s chomping at the bit to Make America Straight Again!
Read your 25th Amendment! All Pence has to do is say the word! And who do you think is going to argue with him? Paul Ryan?
Don’t be fooled, sir! Behind that smiling face of the guy who slathers on flattery thicker than the whipped cream on your IHop pancakes, lurks a devious turncoat who will throw you under the bus faster than you can say “Judas Iscariot!”
Do you think your staff will protect you after they hear that you said this:
"Bannon was disloyal (not to mention he always looks like s**t).”
“Priebus was weak (not to mention he was short—a midget)."
“Kushner was a suck-up.”
“Spicer was stupid (and looks terrible too).“
“Conway was a crybaby.”
“Jared and Ivanka should never have come to Washington."
No, there’s only one thing you can do! You must act now to protect the presidency! To protect the Constitution! To protect the United States of America! Here’s what you must do today:
Rescind the 25th Amendment!
I’m sending a document enclosed in this letter for you to sign. Sign it! Immediately! I promise it will…. Wait! What’s this?
Initial talks underway about Trump interview in Mueller Russia probe Lawyers for President Donald Trump have been discussing with FBI investigators a possible interview by Special Counsel Robert Mueller with the president as part of the inquiry into whether Trump’s campaign colluded with Russia during the 2016 election.
I knew you should have listened to Nunberg! You “lost it” when he got to the 4th Amendment. If you could have hung in there for one more amendment, he could have told you about the 5th amendment!
I won’t bore you with the whole thing but here’s the part of the 5th Amendment I’d better tell you about. Use it when you talk to Mueller:
“No person shall be…compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself…”
Plead the 5th!
Rescind the 25th!
Then you can get on with your job to “Make America Straight Again!”
Whoops! There’s Pence again! You’d better sign that document quick!
P.S. I hear you’re going to see the doctor on Friday. Are you going to get an EKG? The reason I ask is if you’re too busy watching Fox and Friends to sign the document I sent you, you can just paste your EKG results on the signature line. It’ll look just like your signature!
P.P.S. As soon as you sign, be sure to give a copy to Pence, Ryan, and McConnell. They’ll know what to do from there.
OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE DOCUMENT
I, Donald J. Trump, with the powers invested in me as the President of the United States, do hereby rescind the 25th Amendment.