SteveBannon Muck Rack
588 Broadway #503
New York, NY 10012
Dear Mr. Bannon,
LET’S GET READY TO RU-U-U-UMBL-L-L-LE!!!!!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: IN THIS CORNER AT 6’2”, WEIGHING BETWEEN 275 AND 300 POUNDS (depending on how many cheeseburgers he’s eaten), 70 YEARS YOUNG, WORTH SOMEWHERE BETWEEN $250,000 AND $10 BILLION, THE CURRENT HEAVYWEIGHT ELECTORAL CHAMPION:
AND IN THIS CORNER, AT AGE 64, STANDING AT 5’11” IN HIS SANDALS, TIPPING THE SCALES AT 215, WORTH 40 MILLION, THE CHAMPION OF THE ALT-RIGHT, THE CHALLENGER:
“SLOPPY” STEVE BANNON!
Steve, I have a question: Did you ever watch wrestling? I’m not talking about modern wrestling. That stuff is like going to a mega-church and watching Joel Osteen and his wife after they’ve sniffed too much amyl nitrate!
No, I’m talking about good old-fashioned wrasslin’! The kind you and I watched back in the ‘50s and ‘60s when we were kids. Didn’t you love the bad guys? Remember Freddie Blassie?
“Classy” Freddie Blassie! He had hair just like TRUMP. Until about 10 seconds into the match. Then Freddie Blassie’s hair looked just like TRUMP’s hair when he wakes up in the morning after a night of cheeseburger binging. Here’s what that guy who wrote “Fire and Fury,” Michael Wolff said Ivanka told him:
“She often described the mechanics behind it to friends: an absolutely clean pate—a contained island after scalp-reduction surgery—surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray.”
But maybe Ivanka’s wrong. After all, it’s like you said: “She’s as dumb as a brick.”
Where was I? Oh yeah—Freddie Blassie. Freddie Blassie used to sharpen his teeth in the ring. Then he’d bite his opponent and spit out the blood.
Freddie Blassie called everybody he didn’t like a “pencil-neck geek.”
People used to hate Freddie Blassie so much they threw acid in his face. I have another question:
How old were you the first time that happened to you?
When Freddie Blassie fought good guys, they’d knock him down and beat him up, and he’d get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness, and while the good guy was standing over him trying to decide whether to sock him when he was down, and the crowd was screaming at the good guy to sock him while he was down, the referee would get distracted and “Classy” Freddie Blassie would kick the good guy in his private parts.
Then he’d break him like an egg!
That’s what you said Mueller’s guys would do to Donald Jr. You said they’d “break him like an egg.”
But now you’d better keep your guard up! Bad guys are always most dangerous when they’re down! It’s just like you said:
"You realize where this is going. This is all about money laundering. Mueller chose Weissmann first and he is a money-laundering guy. Their path to f***ing Trump goes right through Paul Manafort, Don Jr. and Jared Kushner … It’s as plain as a hair on your face."
Speaking of “hair on your face,” I bet you liked The Destroyer. You couldn’t see his face because he wore a mask. No, not the kind you like—It wasn’t the white hooded kind. The Destroyer’s mask was more of a cross between Batman and Hannibal Lecter.
The Destroyer also had a dreaded hold called the “Figure Four Leg-Lock.” He’d put his opponents in it and they would scream in agony and have to submit. Did you ever try to put the Figure Four Leg-Lock on anybody? When we were kids, we’d try and try, but somehow nobody could ever make it work.
The Masked Destroyer’s real name was Dick Beyer. Dick Beyer. The Figure Four Leg-Lock. Just goes to show how fake wrestling is. Nobody knows this, but it’s fake.
But the hardest part was when two bad guys fought each other. Who were you supposed to root for? Usually what happened was one of the bad guys would all of a sudden turn into a good guy.
I wonder who gets to be the good guy this time? Is it the guy who said:
“Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my Presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind. Steve was a staffer who worked for me after I had already won the nomination by defeating seventeen candidates, often described as the most talented field ever assembled in the Republican party. Now that he is on his own, Steve is learning that winning isn’t as easy as I make it look.”
Or is it the guy who said:
"It goes through Deutsche Bank and all the Kushner s**t. The Kushner s**t is greasy. They’re going to go right through that. They’re going to roll those two guys up and say play me or trade me."
Is it the guy who said:
“Steve had the honor of working in the White House & serving the country. Unfortunately, he squandered that privilege & turned that opportunity into a nightmare of backstabbing, harassing, leaking, lying & undermining the President…. The Mercer Family recently dumped the leaker known as Sloppy Steve Bannon. Smart!”
Or is it the guy who called Paul Ryan a “limp-dick mother-f***er” who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation” and called Hillary Clinton “a f***ing bull dyke.”
But here’s the deal: Guess who talked Dick Beyer into wearing a mask and becoming “The Destroyer”?
That’s right! It was Freddie Blassie!
And guess who The Destroyer beat for the championship when he put on the famous Figure Four Leg-Lock that nobody could make work except him:
Right again! Classy Freddie Blassie!
By the way, did you know Freddie Blassie was in a movie with Andy Kauffman? Andy Kauffman was the guy who played Latka in “Cheers.” He also liked to wrestle. Andy Kauffman was crazier than TRUMP gets when the White House kitchen runs out of cheeseburgers.
In his movie with Andy Kauffman, Freddie Blassie uttered nine immortal words. They were words so profound, so eloquent, they will go down in history alongside the “I Have a Dream” speech and the Gettysburg Address. Here are the nine immortal words Freddie Blassie said:
“What the hell ever happened to the human race?”
P.S. Remember when you were talking about the meeting when Kushner and Don Jr. met the Russians in the TRUMP Tower and you said this:
"The chance that Don Jr. did not walk these jumos up to his father’s office of the 26th floor is zero.”
Everybody wants to know: What’s a “jumo”?
Well, I got on my google machine and I found out. “Jumo” is a Dominican expression for when you are very, very drunk. As in:
"Ron me da un jumo grande." ("Rum makes me a big drunk.")
P.P.S. There’s a Russian word “Jamoke” which means a “clumsy loser who is incapable of doing normal human tasks.”
I have a question: Does Robert Mueller know you speak Russian?
P.P.P.S. Question: How many jomokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: One to screw it in. Fifteen to pull out the chair from under him and then go on FOX-News and say Hillary did it.