President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House (“a real dump”)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Remember when I wrote you a couple weeks ago and gave you the heads-up that your list of 7 words that the EPA couldn’t say wasn’t enough? You said the EPA wasn’t allowed to say words like “diversity” and “science-based” and “evidence-based.” I suggested that you add more words they couldn’t say like “democracy” and “climate change” and “Robert Mueller.”
Well, now we have to start a whole new list. It’s all because of that new book, “Fire and Fury” that that guy Michael Wolff wrote. I know you know about it because your lawyers already wrote a “cease and desist” letter to Bannon and the publisher. But I think you’d better write a “cease and desist” letter to your White House staff! Here’s why:
In Michael Wolff’s hit job, he says H.R. McMaster called you a “dope.”
Gary Cohn, the Goldman Sachs guy, said you were “dumb as s**t.”
Steve Mnuchin and Reince Priebus both called you an “idiot.”
At least they were nice about it! Rupert Murdoch called you a “f***ing idiot.”
I wonder what’s worse—a “f***ing idiot” or a “f***ing moron”?
That’s what Rex Tillerson called you: a “f***ing moron.”
This is outrageous! We can’t have everybody who’s ever met you going around calling you the first word that comes to mind! They should take a lesson in restraint from you! They should be mature and dignified like you when you tweeted about Kim Jong Un:
“Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”
You see? If most people had such a big and powerful button, they wouldn’t hold back like you! No--they’d pull out their button in a frenzy, shoot off their missiles as quickly as they could, then lay back smoking a cigarette, and not even care where their explosion had landed.
But not you, sir! You have the discipline, the moderation, the self-control to contain that big and powerful button of yours until just the right moment when drama becomes crisis, when you climb to the white-hot peak and go plunging into the epicenter, and THERE’S NO TURNING BACK SO YOU PUSH THAT BIG AND POWERFUL BUTTON OF YOURS AND…..
Let’s see…where was I?
Oh yeah, we were talking about how Rupert Murdoch called you a “f***ing idiot,” and how we need to make a list of words your White House staff should never be allowed to say. Here are the 27 words that, if said by a staff member, hanger-on, Cabinet member, or family member (Jared, this means you) it should automatically be a firing offense:
WARNING: Your enemies might try to fool you by camouflaging these words with the word “f***ing” as in:
He’s a “f***ing beefhead.” Or:
He’s a “f***ing oaf.”
Don’t be fooled, sir! Your enemies are lurking everywhere! Speaking of:
Have you noticed the one person who never said a bad word about you in Michael Wolff’s book? That’s right! It’s Pence!
Don’t let that Boy-Scout-Takes-The-Abstinence-Pledge smile fool you! He’s not as big a chucklehead as he looks! Just because he tells you things like this:
“I want to thank you, Mr. President. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten men and women of America.”
"It's the greatest privilege of my life to serve as vice president to a president who is keeping his word to the American people, and assembling a team that's bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.”
…doesn’t mean he’s loyal to you! While Pence is putting on the new kneepads you gave him for Christmas, he’s secretly turning his adoring eyes to Robert Mueller, rubbing his clammy hands and biding his time.
Can’t you see it? It’s right in front of your face! Pence wants your job so he can fulfill his lifelong fantasy of making every woman wear a burka!
I think you’d better put a bug on that guy. Then if you catch him calling you a “f***ing imbecile” you’ll have grounds for firing him. Then Mueller can’t possibly bust you because there won’t be a vice-president, and then who would replace you?
I bet he’s called you a “f***ing beef-wit” a time or two. I wonder if you could fire him too?
P.S. Did you notice I used a word I’m not supposed to use? I said Pence isn’t as much of a “chucklehead” as he looks. I think that’s okay. I didn’t call you a “chucklehead.”
P.P.S. Speaking of Pence’s “adoring eyes,” have you noticed the way he looks at Melania? If I were you, I wouldn’t leave them alone in the same room together.
P.P.P.S. On second thought, never mind.