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This is a job for.... Carl Estrada!
 
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Saturday, September 30, 2017

President Donald J. TRUMP

The White House (“a real dump”)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC  20500

 

Dear President TRUMP,

 

The reviews from Puerto Rico are in and it’s unanimous!  You’re doing a heckuva job!

 

But don’t take it from me.  Here’s what the world’s greatest experts are saying:

 

Officials are “so thankful for the job we’re doing.”

-- President TRUMP

 

“FEMA and First Responders are amazing. Governor said ‘great job!’ ”

-- President TRUMP

 

"The loss of life, it's always tragic.  But it's been incredible. The results that we've had with respect to loss of life. People can't believe how successful that has been, relatively speaking."

-- President TRUMP

 

"This is an island surrounded by water.  Big water.  Ocean water.”

-- President TRUMP

 

Which brings us to the obvious question:  How’s your golf game? 

 

The reason I ask is I hear there’s a big water hazard on the 12th hole.  Big water.  Big big water.  I wonder if you have a strategy for getting around it?  I guess you have three choices:

 

a)    Power the ball past it

b)   Chip around it

c)    Knock the ball straight into the water, have your diver go in after it and set it on the green.  A foot from the hole.

 

I hear you’re a really good golfer.  You must be good if you have a 3 handicap!  Most 70 year olds have a hard enough time lifting the remote to turn on the golf channel, let alone golf with a 3 handicap.

 

But it just goes to show:  When you have a goal in life and you work hard to attain it, and you have lots of time on your hands and unlimited frequent flyer miles on private jets, the sky’s the limit!

 

Just ask Tom Price.

 

Oh, sorry—he’s gone.  Ask Scott Pruitt.  Or Ryan Zinke.  Or Steve Mnuchin.

 

Anyway, I know it’s true that you have a 3 handicap because I heard it from a really good source.  I heard it from the same guy who said this:

 

“The audience was the biggest ever. But this crowd was massive. Look how far back it goes. This crowd was massive.”

 

Also I know it’s true that you have a 3 handicap because of what the rock star Alice Cooper said.  He’s a big golfer and in 2012 he was asked who is the biggest golf cheat he ever played with, and this is what he said:

 

 “I played with Donald Trump one time, that’s all I’m going to say.”

 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, Puerto Rico.  It’s like acting Homeland Security Secretary Elaine Duke said, it’s a “good news story.”  And it was!  Until the Democrats got ahold of San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulin Cruz and made her say this:

 

"This is not a good news story. This is a people-are-dying story. We need help!  I’m begging you!"

 

But you said what was on everybody’s mind when you tweeted:

 

“Such poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico, who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort.”

 

Who do these people think they are?  Americans?!

 

I just think Puerto Ricans should stop whining and pitch in!  Why don’t they just jump in their helicopters, hook a line to those undelivered cargo containers, fly over the disaster areas, and drop the containers on the masses below?  The containers will break open on impact and supplies will come pouring out!  Show some ingenuity, people!

 

Here’s what else you tweeted:

 

“Texas & Florida are doing great but Puerto Rico, which was already suffering from broken infrastructure & massive debt, is in deep trouble.”

 

While they’re waiting seven hours in line for a couple gallons of gas, they should be doing something constructive like reading your book, “The Art of the Deal,” so they can learn how to weasel out of paying their debts!  

 

Call me a heartless, mindless bigot, but when you have so many huge problems to worry about like football players taking a knee, and thinking up with new zingers for John McCain, and how can you get in enough holes so you can get your handicap down to a 2, people should cut you some slack if you don’t have time to deal with 3.5 million people on a hurricane-ravaged island with no food, water, power, or gas!

 

But no!  Did you see what Lin-Manuel Miranda, that guy from “Hamilton” tweeted?  Here’s what he said:

 

“You’re going straight to hell.  No long lines for you. Someone will say, ‘Right this way, sir.’ They’ll clear a path.”

 

What does he know?  He’s not even an American!  He’s a Puerto Rican!

 

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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