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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Judge Roy Moore

P.O. Box 5032

Montgomery, AL 36103

 

Dear Judge Moore,

 

I want to be the first to say congratulations on your big Alabama primary win the other night!  69 thousand Alabamans can’t be wrong!

 

It’s about time we took God out of the church and put Him where He rightfully belongs: In the U.S. Senate! 

 

It’s just like Jesus said:

 

“Separation of church and state was never meant to separate God from government.”

 

Whoops!  That wasn’t Jesus.  That was you!  But whatever, you and Jesus are so right! We need more great men like you who understand that government must follow God’s laws!   Just like when Jesus said:

 

“Homosexual behavior is a crime against nature, an inherent evil, and an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it.” 

 

What?  Oh, that was you who said that too?  I don’t know if Jesus ever tried to “describe” homosexuality, but you gave it a shot when you called it “heinous.” 

 

Also when you said:

 

“Just because it’s done behind closed doors, it can still be prohibited by state law. Do you know that bestiality, the relationship between man and beast is prohibited in every state?”

 

Speaking of bestiality, the 10th Commandment says:

 

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant; nor his ox nor his donkey, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.”

 

I have a theological question: What if you see a donkey that’s on a free range and it doesn’t belong to your neighbor or anybody else?  Are you allowed to covet that donkey?

 

In a Biblical sense?

 

Also, you called Islam a “fake religion” and said Keith Ellison should be barred from the Senate because he’s a Muslim.  It says so right there in the Constitution:  SEPARATION OF MOSQUE AND STATE!

 

You also said there are communities in Indiana and Illinois that are living under Sharia law.  You have a point there, but I think it just looks that way because you can’t find a Planned Parenthood anywhere.

 

Also, I see you’re a poet.  It’s high time we had a poet in the Senate!  All these northern elitists who keep tearing you down don’t know your sensitive side!  Who can forget the immortal verses you wrote to the tune of “America the Beautiful”:

 

“America the beautiful, or so you used to be,

Land of the Pilgrims’ pride, I’m glad they’re not here to see,

Babies piled in dumpsters, abortion on demand,

Oh, sweet land of liberty, your house is made of sand.”

 

The only problem with your song is it’s way too long!  It’s got seven verses!  You’re never going to get any airplay that way! 

 

I know, I know—you’re saying, “But Carl, Bob Dylan did it!  ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ was more than seven minutes long!”

 

Yes, but Dylan had a really good agent.  Maybe if you get yourself an agent, you might have a few lines that will sell.  Lines like:

 

“Your children wander aimlessly, poisoned by cocaine,

Choosing to indulge their lusts, while God has said abstain.”

 

And the one about the judges:

 

“Too soft to put the killer in a well-deserved tomb,

But brave enough to kill that child before he leaves the womb.”

 

It’s so catchy!  Have you ever heard of a guy named Tom Lehrer?  He was a songwriter too.  You remind me of him.  I think you’re even better than he was, but he was pretty good.  He once wrote a song called “Dixie.”  It went like this:

 

“I wanna go back to Dixie

Take me back to dear ol’ Dixie

That’s the only li’l ol’ place for li’l ol’ me

Ol’ times there are not forgotten

Whuppin’ slaves and sellin’ cotton

And waitin’ for Robert E. Lee.”

 

Anyway, I can’t wait to see you ride your horse into the Senate chamber, waving a Bible in one hand and that little cap gun in the other!   But what do I know?  I’m just a neighborhood grocer.  Take it from the guy who made the TRUMP presidency a reality!  Take it from the Grand Wizard himself, David Duke:

 

"Alabama LANDSLIDE ! Trump: Keep Your Promises! Drain the Swamp -Don't Stock It with More Swamp Monsters! Lose Us & - YOU HAVE NOTHING!"

 

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

 

P.S.  Could you please send me a photo?  Autographed?  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite Christian TV star!  He likes you even better than Jimmy Swaggart!

 

P.P.S.  Remember Jimmy Swaggart?  He’s the televangelist who got caught in a roadside motel with a hooker and then cried about it on TV.  His cousin was Jerry Lee Lewis.

 

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of cousins, Jerry Lee Lewis married his cousin.  No, not Jimmy Swaggart.  He married his 13-year-old cousin.  (“Goodness, gracious, great balls o’ fire!”)  I guess you wouldn’t want to covet his wife.  He’d shoot you faster than you can say, “Heinous bestiality!”

 

P.P.P.P.S.  Speaking of the 10th Commandment, that is one beautiful horse you’re riding!  I have to confess, I covet that horse.

 

P.P.P.P.P.S.  Not in a Biblical sense.

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 


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