President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House (“a real dump”)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Well, you did it this time! You “handled it.”
I’m talking about your little spat with Kim “Rocket Man” Jong Un. You struck a pitch perfect “presidential” tone when you said:
“We can’t have mad men out there shooting rockets all over the place… And by the way, rocket man should’ve been handled a long time ago… This shouldn’t be handled now, but I’m going to handle it because we have to handle it.”
Now we’ve got Kim right where we want him. He’s so scared of how you’re going to “handle it,” he called you a “mentally deranged U.S. dotard.”
“A dotard?!” You must be wondering what that means! I looked it up in Webster’s and here’s what it said:
"…senile decay marked by decline of mental poise and alertness".
Except that’s not what Kim really meant to say. They got the translation wrong. Fake news!
What he actually called you in Korean was a “mentally deranged old beast lunatic.”
What a kindergartener Kim Jong Un is! He’s such a child! Well, you’re just going to have to rise above it and show him how a real adult leader “handles it.” And I know the perfect comeback that will twist him in so many knots, he’ll look like a pretzel with bad hair! Here’s what you should say to Kim Jong Un:
“I know you are, but what am I?”
That’ll put him in his place! And if that doesn’t work, “handle it” like you said you would when you spoke to the United Nations:
"The United States has great strength and patience, but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea."
If you game it out, it makes perfect sense:
We “totally destroy North Korea,” population: 25 million people.
But when they see the nukes coming, they retaliate and “totally destroy” South Korea, population: 51 million people.
China gets mad and “totally destroys” the United States, population: 323 million people.
But we see their nukes coming and we “totally destroy” China, population: 1.3 billion people.
In the meantime, you get whisked away on Air Force One and fly to Moscow. Putin can put you up in one of his dachas until you finally get that TRUMP Tower in Russia that you’ve been wanting for so long.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. My point is you’re playing checkers while Kim’s playing Mah Jong. When you’re dealing with a madman like Kim “Rocket Man” Jong Un, there’s only one way to “handle it.” Only one way to show him who’s the alpha dog in this fight. Only one display of force so mighty, so terrifying, that Kim will be wetting his bed like a Russian hooker! And here it is:
Call out the black NFL players for taking a knee during the National Anthem!
It’s like you said:
“ I do think there's blame -- yes, I think there's blame on both sides.”
Whoops! Wrong quote. That was what you said about the protestors in Charlottesville. And you were right! There was blame on both sides: The KKK and the Nazis were equally to blame.
Here’s what else you said:
“You also had people that were very fine people, on both sides.”
Right again! I bet no one in the KKK or the Nazis would take a knee during the National Anthem! Fine people!
But back to football. You gave really good advice to the NFL owners when you told them how to “handle it.” Here’s what you told the owners to say to their black players who took a knee:
"Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, he's fired. He's fired!"
And it worked! The whole Pittsburgh Steelers team stayed off the field during the National Anthem! The whole Golden State Warriors team is staying off the field at the White House! The only major league baseball player who took a knee was Bruce Maxwell. But he’s a catcher. He probably just couldn’t get up.
And not a single NASCAR driver took a knee at their race on Sunday.
Question: What has 1000 ears and 500 teeth?
Answer: The front row of a NASCAR race.
Anyway, you just keep striking terror into the heart of Kim Jong Un by calling out the black players in the NFL! Rocket Man will fold faster than you can say, “Colin Kaepernick!”
North Korea’s foreign minister just declared:
"Trump claimed our leadership would not be around much longer. He declared a war on our country. Since the United States declared war on our country, we will have every right to take counter-measures including the right to shoot down US strategic bombers even when they are not yet inside the airspace border of our country."
Uh oh. What to do? I know! Have you noticed how small Kim Jong Un’s hands are? I think they’re even smaller than yours! Tell him that in a tweet! That’ll “handle it!”