President George W. Bush
George W. Bush Presidential Center
2943 SMU Boulevard
Dallas, Texas 75205
Dear Mr. President,
Did you notice I called you “Mr. President”? I’m proud to say you are still My President!
Remember me? I’m the one who used to give you the heads-up when your American flag lapel pin was crooked.
I’m the one who tried to teach you to say noo-clee-ar instead of noo-cu-lar. I know you tried your best but you never quite got it.
I’m the one who tried to help you find the WMD(s) but we never did because you had bad intelligence.
Relive the magic!
Those were the salad days when you guys used to write me back. Remember when you sent me all those cards with pictures of you and Laura and the White House (“a real dump”) and your dog, Barney Bush?
Remember when Chainey sent me a letter saying, “Your comments have been duly noted.”
I even got a hand written letter from Sarah Palin’s dad with an autographed picture of Sarah herself!
You’ll be happy to know that since Donald TRUMP became president, I’ve been helping him out too. I’ve been writing lots of letters of advice and constructive criticism just like I used to write to you. And guess what I’ve gotten in return:
My whole desk is stacked to the ceiling with the same form letter from when he was running for president. Remember Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” when he typed over and over and over again:
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
Well, candidate TRUMP was sort of like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Except he wrote over and over and over again:
“Thank you for your kind letter and generous words of support. Your encouragement, and that of millions around the world, sustains us every step of the way. Thank you for your kind letter and generous words of support. Your encouragement, and that of millions around the world, sustains us every step of the way. Thank you for your kind letter and generous words of support. Your encouragement, and that of millions around the world, sustains us every step of the way.”
OK, ok, maybe I “misrepresented the truth.” My whole desk is not stacked to the ceiling with those letters. Just the left side. The right side of my desk is stacked to the ceiling with all the “Make America Great Again” bumper stickers he sent me.
But since he became president, I haven’t gotten one single letter from him! Pence, Sessions—even the Mooch won’t answer me! I’m starting to think I’ve been played!
Here’s another thing I’m starting to think--and you have to promise you won’t breathe a word of this to TRUMP--I’d feel terrible if he found out! But here it is:
I’m starting to think that guy is bat-poop crazy!!!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, he’s only been in office for 200 days. Give the guy a chance.”
And I say to you, with all due respect, it took you eight whole months to have your first disaster on 9/11. Can’t you see TRUMP is trying to beat your record and he’s going to destroy your legacy?
Remember when you invaded Iraq because Bin Laden attacked us on 9/11? Well, President TRUMP is planning to one-up you, sir! He’s planning to start World War III, just to prove that he’s more bat-poop crazy than Kim Jong-Un!
There’s only one person who can stop him! Only one person with the experience, the dignity, and the respect on the world stage to talk some sense into him. I don’t have a clue who that would be, but maybe you can try talking to him.
Maybe TRUMP will listen to you because you have so much in common. Just look at all the things you have in common:
The Supreme Court made you president, and the Russians made Donald TRUMP president.
TRUMP got 4 draft deferments during the Vietnam war. You only got one but then your dad pulled some strings to get you into the National Guard so you could spend the war flying airplanes in Texas.
Ann Richards said that you were born on third base and thought you hit a triple. Donald TRUMP was born on home plate and didn’t think he needed to run the bases at all because he owned the whole damn stadium!
Whoops! That was you! TRUMP owned a bunch of towers after he stiffed his investors and ran his casino business into the ground. You stiffed a bunch of property owners and built a baseball stadium after you ran your oil business into the ground.
My point is, you’ve gotta talk to the guy! And I have a plan for how you should do it. Here’s how:
Since you left the White House (“a real dump”), you’ve taken up painting. I like all those pictures you’ve painted of war veterans who brought peace to the Middle East. I think you’ve grown as an artist since you were painting portraits of your feet in the bathtub.
And once again, you can use your talents in service to our nation.
Question: What’s the only way to get TRUMP’s attention?
Answer: Show him an article or a TV show or a picture with him in it.
It’s true! Did you know that twice daily, his aides bring him folders full of adoring tweets and flattering photos and complimentary articles? Remember that Carly Simon song, “You’re So Vain”?
He probably thinks that song is about him.
I’m sure you see where I’m going. Offer to paint his portrait! Make it life size and tell him you’ll paint his hands extra big. It’s an offer he can’t refuse! He loves that sort of thing! He can pose in a generalissimo uniform with lots of dangling medals. (Without the helmet—you don’t want to mess up his hair.)
Once he’s sitting for you, he’ll be your captive audience. He’ll have to listen while you share all the wisdom you gathered from being president.
Tell him how you can’t sleep at night thinking about all the soldiers who got killed or wounded fighting the two useless wars you sent them to.
Tell him about “Shock and Awe” and “Mission Accomplished,” and “You’re with us or you’re against us,” and explain how far all that big shot talk got you.
While you’re at it, tell him how Obama bailed you out after you deregulated the banks and crashed the economy. No wonder you hugged Michelle!
Tell TRUMP to stop deregulating everything or he’s going to turn us into a Banana Republic!
Or the USA, circa 2008.
It’s a win-win situation! TRUMP will get his picture painted by a world famous artist, and you will go down in history as the president who helped us avoid World War III.
What are you waiting for, Mr. President! Call him now!
Carl Estrada P.S. While you’re at it, tell TRUMP that Death Valley just recorded the hottest month ever recorded on earth. I know, I know! Climate change is not settled science. And even if it is, it’s not settled science that it’s human caused. And even if it is, it’s not settled science that Scott Pruitt is a human being. Just tell him!
P.P.S. I have a question: Was it you who crashed my entire email address list? It’s okay. You’ve been out of office for nine years. You can tell me now.
P.P.P.S. Tell TRUMP to write me once in a while.