Vice President Michael Richard “Mike” Pence
The White (“real dump”) House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
CONFIDENTIAL: TOP SECRET!
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!
MEMORIZE AND BURN AFTER READING!
Dear Vice President Pence,
Whatever you do, don’t let TRUMP see this letter! You know how he gets.
I hope he hasn’t found out about your PAC, The Great America Committee. That could be really awkward. Especially if he sees that picture on the Great America Committee web site of you riding horseback with a bunch of border patrol agents. They’re all riding brown horses but surprise, surprise! Your horse is white!
I have a question: Is there anything you do that isn’t white?
Do you ever eat wheat bread?
If there were a “White Man Competition,” who would win, you or Sessions? I think you could take him. You’re the Michael Jordan of white men!
Whoops, I guess that doesn’t work. Maybe you’re the Pat Boone of white men.
Speaking of Pat Boone, remember when he sang, “Tutti Frutti”? Maybe you and Sessions could both sing “Tutti Frutti” to prove who is the most white.
Where was I? Oh yeah--While TRUMP is out golfing and schmoozing and hugging brides at his golf club, I don’t think he’s going to like your looking like Pat Boone riding on a white horse and leading the posse.
He’s the only one who gets to ride a white horse and lead the posse! But have you seen those pictures of him golfing? He’s going to need a bigger horse.
I have another question: Did you catch any “bad hombres” while you were leading the posse?
I hope you at least punched a few doggies.
But when the Failing New York Times outted you this week by saying you were thinking about running for president, you hit back hard and said:
"Today's article in The New York Times is disgraceful and offensive to me, my family, and our entire team. The allegations in this article are categorically false and are just the latest attempt by the media to divide this Administration."
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Do you think TRUMP didn’t notice that you formed your PAC the day after he fired Comey?
Do you think TRUMP doesn’t notice when you, Ryan, and McConnell are quietly huddling in the hallway and when he barges in, all of a sudden you all get real quiet and stand around looking at your shoes?
Do you think TRUMP didn’t notice that time he was talking about how much the Boy Scouts loved him, and you were standing in back of him and you didn’t beam adoringly?
That guy has eyes in the back of his head! Also, he watches the clips of himself on cable TV over and over!
MEMO TO VICE PRESIDENT “MIKE” PENCE:
YOU MUST BEAM ADORINGLY EVERY SINGLE TIME TRUMP SPEAKS!!! 99% WON’T CUT IT!
Also, don’t forget to nod your head slowly and emphatically. Which brings me to my next question:
I bet you’re wondering why he hasn’t spoken to you for days? It’s because you didn’t nod your head when he said:
“After 200 days, rarely has any Administration achieved what we have achieved. Not even close!”
Be careful, Mr. Vice President! Today it’s the silent treatment. Tomorrow? You saw what happened to the Mooch. And Spicer. And Priebus.
And Comey. And Yates.
And what’s with the pained but sincere smile? You don’t think TRUMP notices that every time he speaks, you smile as if your daughter just told you she’s getting married, and she introduces you to her fiancé who is a black Muslim lesbian named Miriam, and Miriam hands you what you think is an orange, but when you take a bite, it turns out to be a lemon?
That’s what your smile looks like, and TRUMP notices! He knows you’re biding your time, just waiting for him to combust in a fiery fertilizer factory explosion so the presidency can be yours!
TRUMP is determined not to let you turn America into a retro-straight-white-Christian-male dominated garbage heap from the 1950s! He wants to do that himself!
And just because you’re standing behind him doesn’t mean he can’t see you. He reviews the film like Bill Belichick reviews Patriots game tapes. He sees every time you don’t nod, or smile, or beam adoringly.
And he especially notices when you suck the oxygen out of the room! Let the Mooch’s downfall serve as a warning! Stop grandstanding! TRUMP hates grandstanders! Just lay low and….
Wait! What’s this?
Kim Jong-Un says, “They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen!”
Wow! There’s only one word to describe Kim Jong-Un and that’s: “bat-poop crazy!” Plus, he’s the biggest drama queen on the planet!
What? What’s that you say? Kim Jong-Un didn’t say that? TRUMP said that? Oh well. I guess it’s okay then.
Just nod, smile, and beam adoringly.
P.S. I’ve enclosed a nickel, which I want to donate to your PAC. Please send a receipt.