Mr. Stephen Miller
Senior Advisor to the President
The White (“real dump”) House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. Miller,
Where have you been?! The last time I saw you talking to the press was months ago! You’ve been my favorite presidential aide ever since you told ABC’s John Dickerson:
“Our opponents, the media and the whole world, will soon see, as we begin to take further actions, that the powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned.”
But then for some reason you disappeared. So you can’t imagine how happy I was when I saw you back at a press conference the other day. You hit every answer out of the park! I thought, “This guy is even better than the Mooch!”
My favorite part was when you punked that CNN reporter, Jim Acosta, and you told him he had a “cosmopolitan bias.”
It sounded good but I was a little confused about what you actually meant, so I googled “cosmopolitan.” And you wouldn’t believe what I found!
Did you know there’s a women’s magazine called “Cosmopolitan”? That magazine makes Penthouse look like Good Housekeeping! Not that I’ve ever read Penthouse, but I’ve heard stories.
Well, when I saw what Cosmopolitan magazine was talking about, I ran into the kitchen to tell my wife. “Viola,” I said, “you wouldn’t believe what these people with ‘cosmopolitan bias’ are doing!”
I told her about their article called, “Sex Positions and Kama Sutra.”
I read her the part that said, “Steamy illustrations and step-by-step instructions have been tweaked and tailored by sex experts to help you reach your peak every time.”
I told her how they want women to “climb on top of your cutie and take control with these sizzling strategies and sex positions.”
And that was the stuff I could tell her. There was a lot more I wouldn’t repeat to anyone, especially my wife!
But Viola just shook her head and said, “Oh, poor Carl. Don’t you know I’ve been reading Cosmo in the Safeway check-out stands for years?”
“You mean,” I stammered, “you know about those things? Why didn’t you try them out on me?”
“It seemed like too much trouble,” she said. “And besides, I’m not an acrobat.”
Then I asked, “I wonder how Stephen Miller knows that Jim Acosta does the ‘cosmopolitan’ with his wife.”
And Viola said, “Oh, my poor clueless Carl! Don’t you know Miller was using a dog whistle?”
“A dog whistle?” I cried. “You mean like that thing our neighbor blows every time our dog barks?”
“That’s right,” said Viola said. “It’s something only a dog can hear. But in Miller’s case, when he say ‘cosmopolitan bias,’ it’s something only the alt-right can hear.”
I jumped to your defense. “Stephen Miller doesn’t need a dog whistle!” I said. “He says things that anybody can hear! Like when he said this at an alt-right conference in 2016:
“’ To be white is to be a striver, a crusader, an explorer and a conqueror. We build, we produce, we go upward. And we recognize a central lie of American race relations. We don’t exploit other groups—we don’t gain anything from their presence. They need us, and not the other way around . . . .America was, until this past generation, a white country, designed for ourselves and our posterity. It is our creation, it is our inheritance, and it belongs to us.’
“You see,” I told Viola. “Stephen Miller says things in plain English that we can all understand! Like last April when he tweeted this:
“’Whatever your opinion on Nazis, they were extremely interested in . . . space travel, rockets, public health.’
“Right,” said Viola. “The Nazis were really into public health. Just ask the Jews. And wait a minute! ‘Whatever your opinion on Nazis???’ How many opinions are there on Nazis?
“Oh, my opinion is that they would have looked much better in day-glo helmets!
“My opinion is they had lousy taste in music.
“My opinion on Nazis is they were pretty much a** holes.”
Viola was on a roll. She went on to explain that Hitler and Stalin used the word “cosmopolitan” to slander writers, theater critics, scientists, and especially Jews. Then she told me, “Putin’s been throwing around the word ‘cosmopolitanism’ lately, too.”
“Russia again!” I cried. “Why do TRUMP’s enemies always have to bring up Russia?”
“It’s like Mt. Everest,” Viola told me. “It’s there.”
“No, it’s not!” I argued. “Have you ever actually seen Mt. Everest? Don’t you know they can photo shop anything now? Mt. Everest is not settled science!”
Viola seemed to be ignoring me. “Also, Poland and lots of European right wing nationalists are blowing the ‘cosmopolitan’ dog whistle,” she said.
I could see this conversation was going nowhere so I changed the subject. I said, “What a lot of nerve Jim Acosta had to quote some poem about a bunch of losers!”
“Oh,” said Viola, “you mean Emma Lazarus’ poem on the Statue of Liberty that says:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Which leads me to this question: Has President TRUMP ever stayed at a Motel 6?
The reason I ask is, remember that Motel 6 commercial where that guy says, “We’ll leave the light on for ya.”
Well, Viola said, “If your president saw a bunch of wretched brown people at his ‘golden door,’ I don’t think he’d lift his lamp. The White House might be a ‘real dump,’ but it’s no Motel 6!”
Anyway, I explained to Viola what you told Jim Acosta:
“The poem that you're referring to was added later and is not actually part of the original Statue of Liberty."
“I guess Stephen Miller has been reading his David Duke again,” said Viola. “Here’s what David Duke had to say on the subject:
" ‘The claim that America was to welcome 'the wretched refuse of your teeming shore' is a Jewish demand upon America, and not the original intention of the Statue of Liberty.’
“Here’s what else David Duke has said:
“ ‘As I looked into the American fight over immigration laws during the last 100 years, the driving force behind opening America’s borders became evident: It was organized Jewry, personified by the poet Emma Lazarus.’ ”
“This is outrageous!” I said. “The Statue of Liberty was a symbol of freedom and democracy and then the Jews went and stuck some graffiti on it!”
I guess that won the argument for me because Viola didn’t even answer me. She just walked out of the room and came back a few minutes later with her arms full of blankets and pillows which she tossed on the living room couch and said, “No more ‘cosmopolitan bias’ for you, Carl Estrada! You can sleep here for a while!“
I can see why you’re single, Mr. Miller. Sometimes wives don’t make any sense.
Anyway, I just want to say I’m glad to see you back in the spotlight and I hope you get to be the next White (“real dump”) House Press Secretary. You’re better than Spicer or Huckleberry or Kellyanne or the Mooch or any of those losers!
And once you get fired, I bet you could land a job with David Duke!
Carl Estrada P.O.
P.S. Are you planning to start picking up your own trash again? The reason I ask is, when you were in high school, you posed this question to your school assembly:
“Am I the only one who is sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us?”
The answer is: Yes.
And I guess you’re going to have to get sick and tired of picking up your own trash again because once we start letting in only English speaking PhD immigrants, we won’t have “plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us” anymore.
P.P.S. You might be picking up President TRUMP’s trash
too. Remember when he called Priebus into the Oval Office to catch a fly?
P.P.P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite alt-right White (“real dump”) House aide. He likes you even better than Steve Bannon!