President Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, sir, but after 6 ½ months on the job, you’ve made your first mistake.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I never make mistakes and if I did, I wouldn’t admit them.”
And I say to you, with all due respect: When you do make a mistake, it’s a doozy!
You must be wondering what mistake you could possibly have made. I’ll answer your question with another question: Who did you hire right before the following events took place:
Anthony Scaramucci gets fired.
Congress punks you by passing Russian sanctions bill and preventing you from easing them without congressional approval.
Transcript of your Wall Street Journal interview gets leaked to the press.
Transcript of your phone call with Mexican President Pena Nieto gets leaked to the press.
Transcript of your phone call with Australian Prime Minister Turnbull gets leaked to the press.
Congress plots to punk you by passing a bill blocking you from firing Special Prosecutor Mueller.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I hire and fire so many people every day, how can you possibly expect me to keep track?”
OK. Give up? Right before all of the above events took place, you hired General John F. Kelly to be your chief-of-staff. Ever since then, the White House has been in total chaos!
Speaking of the White House, I heard you told Sports Illustrated that the White House is “a real dump.”
You see? That’s another thing that leaked after Kelly weaseled his way into that dump of a White House! Here’s another question:
How long does it take to install gold plated toilets?
The reason I ask is I hear you’re going to spend 17 days at your Bedminster golf club while you do some renovations on that dump of a White House. Seventeen days is a long time, but who could blame you for fudging it a little bit so you can get in a few extra holes of golf?
Maybe installing a hologram of your face on the front of the White House takes 17 days. Who knows? At least, once you fix up the joint, it’ll finally have a little class.
But back to General Kelly: The guy’s a total disaster! I’m not saying Kelly’s the leaker but I’m not saying he’s not. I’m just saying that all these leaks have happened on his watch. Coincidence? I’m just sayin’. Like when it got leaked on Kelly’s watch that you said this in that Wall Street Journal interview:
"So I deal with foreign countries, and despite what you may read, I have unbelievable relationships with all of the foreign leaders. They like me. I like them. You know, it's amazing."
It’s true! In the transcripts of your phone conversations with Mexican President Pena Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Turnbull that got leaked on Kelly’s watch, I could tell how much you liked them because you called them “Enrique” and “Malcom(sic)”. Here’s what they called you:
Enrique is so stubborn! No matter how many times you told him he had to pay for the wall, he wouldn’t listen! Here’s what Enrique said:
“But my position has been and will continue to be very firm saying that Mexico cannot pay for that wall.”
I guess he didn’t know he was talking to the guy who wrote “The Art of the Deal.” Here’s what you told Enrique:
“But you cannot say that to the press. The press is going to go with that and I cannot live with that.”
I think you’d better get back on the phone with Enrique right away, Mr. President! Tell him it’s all fine and good if you and he decide not to tell the press that nobody wants to pay for the wall. But he’s got to make the last Mexican president, Vicente Fox shut up! Here’s what Vicente Fox told the press:
“I’m not going to pay for that f---ing wall.”
Also, when you talk to Enrique, don’t let General Kelly get ahold of the transcript. Just in case.
Also, ask Kelly why it is that right after he became chief-of-staff, the transcript of your phone conversation with Prime Minister Turnbull (aka: “Malcom”[sic]) got leaked. That’s the one where you ended up hanging up on him because he kept explaining to you that he wouldn’t go back on his word.
Malcom(sic) is such a Boy Scout! He’s almost as stubborn as Enrique! He just wouldn’t listen when you said:
“This is going to kill me. I am the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country.”
What’s Malcom’s(sic) problem? Just because he made a deal with Obama to send 1250 refugees to America, and you said the number was 2000 or maybe 5000, and he said the reason was because when they come by boat they are prey to human trafficking and he wanted to “deprive the smugglers of their product,” and besides, you are free to vet these refugees all you want…
Oh, never mind! It’s all so complicated! The main thing is, like you told Malcom(sic):
“That is why they lost the election, because of stupid deals like this. You have brokered many a stupid deal in business and I respect you, but I guarantee that you broke many a stupid deal. This is a stupid deal. This deal will make me look terrible.”
Here’s what else you said:
“This is a killer.” And: “I will be seen as a weak and ineffective leader in my first week.” And: “I look like a dope.”
Then you said:
“I have had it. I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous.”
Then you hung up.
And how do I know this? Because somebody leaked it right after General Kelly became your chief-of-staff!
There’s only one thing to do! Re-hire Scaramucci!
The Mooch is almost as good at firing people as you are! He shouldn’t be hard to find. Just look for him hanging around the TRUMP hotel around dinnertime. Once he’s back in that dump of a White House, give him his first hit job: Fire Kelly!
How do you think he should do it? Will he perform the “Priebus Maneuver” and ditch Kelly on the airport tarmac in the rain?
Maybe he could employ the “Spicer Slow Strangle” where you hang him out to dry until he’s found hiding in the bushes. Who do you think should play Kelly on Saturday Night Live? I put my vote in for Jack Nicholson.
The Mooch could surprise Kelly with the old “Comey Misdirection Ploy” and wait till he’s making a speech in LA and let him see himself getting fired on the TV screen.
It doesn’t matter if the Mooch stabs Kelly in the front or back. The important thing is: Get him out of there before he causes any more chaos!
After things calm down, you can go back to Plan A: Fire Sessions, make the Mooch your Attorney General, and tell him to get rid of Mueller once and for all!
Then you can go back to being “the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country.”
P.S. Another thing you told the Wall Street Journal in that interview that got leaked right after General Kelly became chief-of-staff was this:
"You know, a lot of people say — they say, well, but the United States is large. And then you call places like Malaysia, Indonesia, and you say, you know, how many people do you have? And it's pretty amazing how many people they have."
Yes, it is amazing, isn’t it?