Consigliere Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Consigliere Scaramucci,
Hey, Mooch! Enough with da colorful language! OK?
Da boss don’t like it. Da boss says he’s da one who uses colorful language around here, OK?
Whatd’ya doin’, kid? Tryin’ ta show da boss up? D’ya think he don’t notice when you’re suckin’ up all da air time on da TV and da boss is seein’ you more then he sees hisself?
What’s with da f---in’ dis an’ de f—in’ dat? D’ya ever think there might be women and kids watchin’? Maybe your mudda’s watchin’. Ya ever think of dat? Huh?
An’ what’s with sayin’:
"I'm not Steve Bannon, I'm not trying to suck my own d—k.”
Da boss has a message for you. He’s says don’t bother. He already tried. Can’t be done.
Also, da boss says don’t say dat again. He’s gonna use it at his next Boy Scout speech.
And da boss says knock it off with all da talk about how ya wanna “f—in’ kill all the leakers.”
Hey! Hey! Ya wanna be a made man? Ya don’t go around shootin’ off your big mouth about how ya wanna “f—in’ kill all the leakers.” Ya wanna be a made man? Then GO F—IN’ KILL ALL DA LEAKERS!!! An’ keep your mouth shut while you’re doin’ it! Capiche?
An’ what’s with all da Reince Priebus is a “f—in’ paranoiac” talk? Oh, so now we’re Freud, Mr. Big Shot?
Boss says he don’ mind if Bannon’s suckin’ his own d—k, an’ boss says you can suck his d—k if ya want, but dat’s de only thing he wants you ta suck. He don’t want you to be suckin’ no oxygen out of da room. Dat’s the boss’s job!
Hey kid, I know I’m bein’ rough on ya, but ya gotta learn the business. Da boss likes you, ya know? He just thinks you’re getting a little too big for your Gucci shoes, if ya know what I mean.
Da boss has big plans for you, kid. Don’t blow it. Keep your head down and stay outta trouble. Show some respect. Go out and buy yourself a nice new suit and look sharp for da press. Keep da make-up. Keep da hair. You’re lookin’ sharp.
We still gotta do somethin’ about that Sarah Huckleberry, though. No amount of make-up ain’t gonna make no difference ta her.
Anyway, kid, you’re doin’ a great job. An’ just between me and you, keep it up an’ da boss might have a special place fer you in da business. How do you like the sound of:
Attorney General Scaramucci
P.S. Just got da news your wife filed for divorce. Tough luck, kid. Buy her a nice house. Maybe with a pool. Whatever ya need ta do ta keep her quiet.
P.P.S. Come on down to the club tonight, kid. We’ll set you up with a few girls. Don’t want you havin’ ta do a “Bannon.”
P.P.S. Now I hear Priebus resigned too. Good job, kid. You’re movin’ up fast. Now go get f—in’ Sessions.