Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Wise Guys and Suckers!
Allow me to introduce myself: I am the one and only Carl the Carnival Barker, and I invite you to step right up into my big tent and match wits in a game of concentration and skill. Test your observational powers against the Master of Misdirection in a game I call:
HIDE THE PEA UNDER THE SHELL
You sir—Step up to this table as I slide these shells to and fro. You see? It’s easy. Before your naked eye, I have slipped the pea under the shell labeled “Russian Collusion.” Now I will simply slide the shells to and fro, and now sir: Where is the pea?
Russian Collusion, you say? But look! There is no pea there! Why, here it is—under the shell labeled, “Scaramucchi.”
Ha ha. Let me just slide these shells around a bit more. By the way, If The Donald lost 6 inches, 30 years, and 100 pounds, if he dyed his hair black, and if he had a baby with Frank Sinatra, what would you get?
Why, “The Mooch,” of course. “The Mooch” is more Donald than The Donald! He even uses Trump cologne!
“The Mooch” is just like The Donald in another way: He can say whatever the hell he wants and it slides off him like Brylcreem slides off his hair!
Rim shot, please. Thank you very much. Young lady? Would you like to play? Step right up and find the pea! Which one did you say? This one here? The one labeled “Hide the Tax Returns”?
Oh, I’m so sorry! Where could it be? Look! It was hiding in plain sight, under the Donald Jr. shell! How did it end up there?
Let’s slide these shells around some more. You know, people say Donald Jr. colluded with the Russians, but I don’t think he’s that smart. Even Stevie Wonder can see Junior isn’t the fastest swimmer in the gene pool.
What’s that you say, sir? You say he’s smarter than Eric? Well…a Scooby-Doo lunch pail is smarter than Eric!
Ba-dum-bum! Maybe you’d like to try your luck, sir. Which shell is our elusive pea hiding under? This one? The one that says, “Donald Jr., Kushner, and Manafort Hold Secret Meetings with Russians at Trump Tower”?
Oh, so sorry! Bupkis! I do wonder, though, now that The Three Stooges are getting hauled in to testify, how they’re going to keep their story straight.
Where could it be? Well, here it is! Right under the shell that says, “Trump Bans Transgenders From Military in Tweet.”
How did you miss that? I guess it’s getting harder and harder to tell the trans shells from the straight ones. Oh well, a bit of misdirection never hurt our military. The generals will just have to wait for the next tweet like the rest of us. Or like the Selective Service website still says today:
“Almost all male U.S. citizens and male immigrants, who are 18 through 25, are required to register with Selective Service.
“Individuals who are born female and changed their gender to male are not required to register. US citizens or immigrants who are born male and changed their gender to female are still required to register…
Got that, ma’am? You look a bit confused. Well, join the club. Everybody gets confused when Carl the Carnival Barker plays HIDE THE PEA UNDER THE SHELL. Here, I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll just slide this shell over here and this shell over here. Now tell me, where’s the pea?
This shell here? The one that says, “The Donald and Republicans Fail to Repeal Obamacare Again”?
And again and again and again. Oh dear, I’m sorry ma’am, there’s no pea there. Don’t feel bad, ladies and gentlemen. The Republicans can’t seem to find the pea either.
They’ve been drunk driving this clown car for seven years! The doors are falling off and the windows are shattered from all the times they’ve crashed! I wonder if The Donald has been collecting the insurance?
Where’s that pea? Oh here it is! Under the shell that says, “The Donald's Boy Scout Speech.”
You gotta hand it to the guy. First he says, “Who the hell wants to speak about politics when I'm in front of the Boy Scouts?"
And then he goes on to talk about “fake news,” and his crowd size, and how we have to repeal Obamacare, and how his victory was "an unbelievable tribute to you and all of the other millions and millions of people that came out and voted for Make America Great Again."
Man! That’s why I’m Carl the Carnival Barker and he’s President of the United States! He’s the master!
Then he told the Boy Scouts about a friend of his who "sold his company for a tremendous amount of money and he went out and bought a big yacht. And he had a very interesting life. I won't go into any more than that because you're Boy Scouts so I'm not going to tell you what he did. Should I tell you? Should I tell you?"
Dan Rather called it “disgusting.”
One mother said, “Trump's speech violated your own policy. My son didn't join the Scouts to be used as POTUS's political prop!”
A Scout leader said, “As a Scout leader, my stomach is in knots about what Trump did today. If you haven't watched it yet, don't. It's downright icky.”
And another mother said, “My son will be withdrawn tomorrow unless you make a statement about this.”
And they did! The Boy Scouts’ Chief Executive said, "I want to extend my sincere apologies to those in our Scouting family who were offended by the political rhetoric that was inserted into the jamboree."
You see what just happened? I told you this little story and you totally took your eye off the shells, and now you don’t have a clue where the pea is! What’s that son? You say you think you know where it is? Well, step right up then!
Which shell is the pea under son? This one? The one that says, “Macron Handshake”?
Have you noticed Emmanuel Macron has held The Donald’s hand more in the last month than Melania has in their twelve years of marriage?
Ba-dum-bum. Sorry, kid. Wrong again. Want to try another one? This one? “Jeff Sessions is The Donald’s Bitch”?
Nope. That’s not it either. Jeez! Sessions has taken more abuse from The Donald than Meghan Kelly, Miss Universe, and Rosie O’Donnell combined!
I wonder if Sessions will have to give back his Make America Great Again cap when he’s fired?
C’mon people! Get with it! Keep your eye on the pea! This one?
“Scaramucchi and Priebus Fight Like Cain and Abel.”
How ‘bout, “The Donald Says: “With the exception of the late, great Abraham Lincoln, I can be more presidential than any president that’s ever held this office.”
How ‘bout this one:
“Kushner Fails To Report Four Russian Meetings and One Hundred Business Interests.”
You’re getting close—but still no pea! What a bunch of losers! I guess I’m going to have to lob it in. Ready? Here’s the pea. It’s been hiding here the whole time. It’s hiding under the shell that says:
Robert Mueller Investigates Russian Collusion
You see? There it is—in plain sight. Keep your eye on the Mueller shell, ladies and gentlemen. Because, believe me, Mueller is very very focused like a laser and he won’t take his eye off that pea! Believe me!
And at the rate this shell game is going, the Trump presidency will be history faster than you can say, “Tumultuous Tales of Traitorous Treason!”
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to pack up my shell game and move on to the next carnival. Wait, wait…what’s this? Sarah Huckabee Sanders just read a letter to President Trump from a 9-year-old boy who said:
“You’re my favorite President. I like you so much that I had a birthday about you. My cake was the shape of your hat. I don’t know why people don’t like you.”
Hah! Gotcha again! How many times do I have to tell you, folks? Keep your eye on the pea!
Carl the Carnival Barker