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Friday, June 16, 2017

Mr. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

Attorney General

U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

 

Dear Attorney General Sessions,

 

I’m so confused!  In your Senate Intelligence Committee hearing the other day, Republican Senator Tom Cotton asked you a simple question:

 

“Do you like spy fiction? John LeCarre? …Do you like Jason Bourne or James Bond movies?”

 

To which you answered: “No.” 

 

Then you changed it to:  “Yes I do.”

 

Mr. Attorney General, I remind you--you were under oath!   These are serious questions and you can’t just blow Congress off by saying “No—Yes--I can’t answer because the President might invoke executive privilege some day.”

 

With answers like that, how can we ever expect to get to the bottom of questions that are on the minds of concerned Americans today?  Questions like:

 

Who is your favorite James Bond: Sean Connery or Daniel Craig?

 

Who is your favorite Superman: Christopher Reeve or Steve Reeves?

 

Who is your favorite Tarzan: Johnny Weissmuller or Buster Crabbe?

 

And have you discussed this with the President?  I know, I know.  You can’t tell us who the President’s favorite Tarzan is because it would be “inappropriate” to talk about confidential discussions when the President might want to assert executive privilege some day.  As you said:

 

“I’m protecting the president’s constitutional right by not giving it away before he has a chance to view it and weigh it.”

 

Ok.  Fair enough.  But you could at least agree to answer questions about the President’s favorite Tarzan in a closed door, confidential session!  But if you do, make sure Kamala Harris isn’t allowed in.  That lady’s hysterical!  That’s what President TRUMP’s former campaign advisor Jason Miller called her:

 

“Hysterical.”

 

She was totally out of control!  Just because you refused to answer her questions because the Justice Department has a policy that you’ve never seen and that’s not actually written down, and just because you tried to explain the “principle,”--that doesn’t give her the right to say:

 

“Sir, I am not asking you about the principle.  I am asking - when you knew that you would be asked these questions and you would rely on that policy, did you not ask your staff to show you the policy that would be the basis for your refusing to answer the majority of questions we are asking you...”

 

Fortunately, John McCain stepped in before she started bleeding from her wherever! McCain knows a thing or two about hysterical women.  Remember that lady who ran with him for Vice President?  She was from some hodunk town in Alaska.

 

That’s okay if you don’t remember.  If you can’t recall your meetings with Kislyak, I don’t expect you to remember Sarah-what’s-her-name either.

 

Do you remember ever talking with Sarah-what’s-her-name about Russia?  The reason I ask is, she's quite the expert.  She can see Russia from her front door!

 

Anyway, it’s a good thing McCain had your back because like you said, all those questions about colluding with the Russians, and firing Comey after you had recused yourself--and how come you never had a single discussion with the President or the intelligence community about the Russians sabotaging our elections (???)—all those questions were making you “nervous.”

 

And you should be nervous!  The legacy of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is on the line!  Without your leadership, how can we protect the bathrooms of our land from people who want to sit instead of stand?

 

How can we protect ourselves from the women and children who are pouring in across our borders so they can murder and rape our citizens?

 

How can we protect the right of every lunatic with a Confederate flag to carry an AK-47?

 

Speaking of Confederate flags, here’s what you said when they removed the Confederate flag in Charleston after the Emanuel Church murders:

 

“This is a huge part of who we are and the left is continually seeking, in a host of different ways, it seems to me, I don’t want to be too paranoid about this, but they seek to delegitimize the fabulous accomplishments of our country,”

 

Right again, Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!  Germany removed all their swastikas and look what happened:  Nobody listens to Beethoven anymore! 

 

Chuck Berry even wrote a song about it!

 

POP QUIZ:

 

What song did Chuck Berry write about not listening to Beethoven anymore?

 

a)    Maybelline

b)   My Ding-a-ling

c)    Roll Over Beethoven

 

Answer: 

 

d) “I don’t recall and if I did I couldn’t tell you anyway because it might violate executive privilege that the President might assert at some future date.”

 

My point is: The left is at it again!  They not only want to take down the Confederate flag—now they want to take away our Constitutional right to make black people, poor people, and old people wait seven hours in line to pay for their Voter ID so they can wait seven more hours in line to vote!

 

They want to take away our God given right to not bake cakes for same sex couples!

 

What’s next?  Are we going to turn back the clock to the days when all women had access to health care and could “choose what to do with their own bodies”?

 

I say NO, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!  It’s 2017, not the 17th century! 

 

By the way, do you know that in the 17th century, marijuana was legal?  With you as Attorney General, we must move boldly forward into the 21st century to make sure we lock up every pot smoker in this great land of ours and throw away the key!

 

Sorry but I have to dash!  Word just came in that Mueller is investigating our President and things are moving fast!  This is a witch hunt! I have to advise President TRUMP to un-recuse you from the Russia investigation so you can fire Mueller immediately! 

 

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

 

P.S. Speaking of the 17th century and witch hunts, if you had been Attorney General then, would you have burned witches at the stake or would you have taken the more lenient approach of branding an “A” on their forehead?

 

P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite Southern politician.  He likes you even better than Strom Thurmond!

 

P.P.P.S.  My grandson Lester likes you even better than Trent Lott!  Remember when Trent Lott said this about Strom Thurmond:

 

"I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had of followed our lead we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

 

Strom Thurmond and Trent Lott were from Mississippi and you’re from Alabama, but I think it’s time you put away your petty old rivalries and admit that other people have a point too, don’t you?

 

P.P.P.P.S.  What’s the difference between Strom Thurmond and Thomas Jefferson?

 

Answer:  Thomas Jefferson fathered a bi-racial child with his slave.  Strom Thurmond fathered a bi-racial child with his maid.

 

P.P.P.P.P.S.  Gotta dash!  Don’t forget to send that photo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 


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