President Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
I’ve been laying awake at night worrying about Kim Jong-un. There’s only one word I can think of to describe Kim Jong-un and here it is:
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, ‘bat-shit crazy’ is more than one word!”
And I respectfully say to you, sir: Fake News! This is the greatest con job ever committed against the American people! The debate is not settled over the issue of how many words “bat-shit crazy” is. Many experts claim that it’s all one word as in: “batshitcrazy.”
The claim that “bat-shit crazy” is three words began as a Chinese hoax which was spread to confuse us and drive us all… well… bat-shit crazy!
Back to Kim Jong-un. There’s nothing scarier than a fat, bat-shit crazy leader with weird hair who has his little hands on the nuclear button, don’t you agree?
And the arrogance of that guy! One reporter said Kim Jong-un surrounds himself with “fearful sycophants telling him only what he wants to hear.”
That’s scary stuff! I hope you talked about that at your cabinet meeting today.
Speaking of your cabinet meeting, it was so heart warming to hear every person in your administration spontaneously singing your praises when you went around the room and called on them to speak. Like when Vice-President Pence said this:
“It’s the greatest privilege of my life to serve as Vice President to a president who’s keeping his word to the American people.”
And then Attorney General Sessions chimed in:
“It’s great to be here and celebrate this group and send the exact right message. And it’s being responded—the response is fabulous throughout this country.”
Here was Reince Priebus:
"On behalf of the entire senior staff around you Mr President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda and the American people."
It was amazing! Every single member of your administration said you were the greatest thing since gold plated toilet seats!
And you were so gracious to agree with everything they said:
"Never has there been a president....with few exceptions...who's passed more legislation, who's done more things than I have."
After the reporters left and you got down to business, did you talk about what to do with that madman, Kim Jong-un?
I mean, that guy is bat-shit crazy (one word)! Do you know he has his aides assassinated if they don’t laugh hard enough at his jokes? He even had a guy executed for “bad sitting posture” at a meeting.
By the way, did you notice how Rick Perry was slouching today?
I know you’ve been thinking about Kim Jong-un too, because you said this about him:
"A lot of people, I'm sure, tried to take that power away, whether it was his uncle or anybody else. And he was able to do it. So obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie."
Just like you! Lots of people are trying to take your power away too! You don’t have an uncle, do you?
Open your eyes, Mr. President! You’re a pretty “smart cookie” too! Look at all those cabinet members with their phony smiles sitting around the table and telling the press what a “great leader” you are. Wake up and smell the carbon emissions! They don’t like you! They’re leaking like a bunch of Russian hookers! They’re just a bunch of slimy little weasels who are trying to save their jobs! I have a question:
What day are you going to fire the whole stinking lot of them?
The reason I ask is Nixon had the Saturday Night Massacre. Listen: I have an idea that will be much much bigger than Nixon! It will be very very huge! It will be amazing! Believe me! Here’s my idea:
Have a JUNE MASSACRE!
That’s right! Starting today, fire a new administration member every day!
Monday: Tillerson—you’re fired!
Tuesday: Scott Pruitt—fired!
Wednesday: Betsy Devos—fired!
Just think: Every day the media will be speculating about who will President TRUMP fire next! No more Russia, just TRUMP and the JUNE MASSACRE! All eyes will be on TRUMP! Nothing but 24/7 TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP all day, every day! I know how much you like hearing your name and seeing it in print! Well, here’s your chance, President TRUMP to be a bigger TRUMP, a huger TRUMP than ever!
But if you fire 23 cabinet members, a chief of staff, and a Vice President, one per day, we can’t call it the JUNE MASSACRE anymore because this thing is going to spill into July. Wait a minute! What am I thinking? I bet you’re way ahead of me on this but there’s only one thing we can call it:
THE TRUMP MASSACRE!
And after you’ve fired your entire staff, top it off by firing Mueller! Then the path will be clear! Hire Jared and Ivanka, and you can really Make America Great Again!
You’re a “smart cookie,” President TRUMP!
P.S. Watch out for Mnuchin! He never laughs at your jokes!