Speaker Paul Ryan
1233 Longworth HOB
Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear Speaker Ryan,
Being the Most Jacked Congressman in U.S. History, I have a fitness question for you:
Are there any special exercises you can recommend to help me keep my mouth turned upward in a smile even if I just stepped barefoot in a pile of dog poop?
The reason I ask is that’s your specialty! I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, what about my abs? Don’t you want to know how I keep my glutes looking so tight?”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, if I want to know that I’ll ask Arnold Schwarzenegger! My question to you is: When the CBO report says the Republican health care bill will take away health care from 23 million Americans, what is your regimen for keeping your mouth upturned in a smile while you’re calling it a “liberal smear campaign”?
How do you keep smiling when you’re defending President TRUMP’s travel ban by saying:
"I think it's regrettable there was some confusion in the rollout of this."
What is your secret for keeping your smile muscles so tightly in place when you say:
“The president’s new at this. He’s new to government, and so he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between DOJ, FBI and White Houses. He’s just new to this.”
I see your point. It’s like this guy on my grandson’s high school football team, Dexter Dick. Dexter’s dad has a bazillion dollars and donates lots of it to the school. Dexter Dick never played football in his life but he wanted to be starting quarterback. He yelled at the team and the coach and the student body and anybody who would listen that he knew how to play quarterback better than anybody because he’s watched so much football on TV.
He promised to make our Washougal Panthers great again!
And guess what? The student body was bored and besides, Dexter’s dad paid to remodel the gym, so they voted to make Dexter Dick the starting quarterback.
Dexter never practiced because he said he didn’t need to. He just stood on the sidelines and called everybody losers while his team and the coaches all kept tight little smiles on their faces. Just like yours!
Anyway, opening day rolled around and there was Dexter Dick, starting at quarterback. On the very first play, he threw an interception that got run back for a touchdown.
“He’s just new to this,” said his coach with a tight little smile.
Next possession: same story. Another pass, another touchdown for the other team. Here’s what his coach said:
“Dexter’s new at this. He’s new at football, and he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between the wide receiver, the defensive backs, and the quarterback. He’s just new to this.”
Meanwhile, Dexter Dick was strutting up and down the sidelines, bragging about what a great job he was doing, and screaming at his players, calling them losers and liars, and blaming them for everything that went wrong.
On the next play, Dexter got crushed by an avalanche of opposing linemen and was left lying in a heap on the field with a broken collarbone. They rushed him to the hospital where his surgeon, who was at his first day on the job, accidentally replaced his brain.
In case you’re wondering, Dexter’s collarbone never healed correctly. But the good new is, with his new brain Dexter is a straight A student even without his bazillionaire dad’s help, and he doesn’t play football anymore. Now he spends his spare time volunteering for Planned Parenthood.
You see? Everything works out fine when you have a good brain and a bazillion bucks. And health insurance. Just think of what would have happened if Dexter had been poor and stupid and didn’t have health insurance!
But this brings up an important question:
Who are you copying with that widow’s peak, Ayn Rand or Edward Cullen?
A widow’s peak is that little “V” your hair makes when it points into your forehead. Like you and Edward Cullen and Ayn Rand have.
Edward Cullen is a vampire in “Twilight.” Ayn Rand was the author of “Atlas Shrugged,” which you give to your interns every Christmas. Her philosophy has been summed up like this:
“Selfishness is a virtue.”
You’ve said that Ayn Rand motivated you to get into politics. Or was it Edward Cullen? I get confused.
But back to my question: Was it Ayn Rand or Edward Cullen who inspired you to wear that widow’s peak?
The reason I ask is my wife, Viola. There’s something about your widow’s peak she can’t stand! Whenever she hears you talking about cutting Medicare, or repealing Obamacare, or giving billionaires a tax cut, or how we should cut TRUMP some slack because he’s just a beginner, Viola yells at the TV, “Give me some scissors so I can snip that widow’s peak right off that little twit’s forehead! Maybe that will wipe that smarmy smile off his face!”
Viola and I disagree on a lot of things and this is one of them. I think even if she cut off your widow’s peak, you’d still keep that smarmy smile on your face!
One more question: Have you been teaching Pence your smile workouts? He’s gotten almost as good as you at holding his smile muscles in place when President TRUMP is talking.
In fact, I bet you’ve been giving Smile Workshops to the entire Republican House and Senate! It looks like they’re all getting pretty good at it.