President Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. It’s all because of my wife Viola and her friends.
You see, Viola has been hosting what she calls “Pussy Parties.” She invites her friends to our house and they sit around knitting pink pussy hats that they wear to demonstrations. They also sell them and give all the proceeds to the ACLU.
Ask Kellyanne Conway—she knows all about pussy hats. Here’s what she said:
“Marching on the Mall with vagina hats on? Your mom must be so proud.”
She’s right! Viola’s mother, Velma, is very proud. Velma’s 101, but she comes to all Viola’s Pussy Parties, and she wears her pussy hat everywhere she goes. She wears it to the grocery store! She wears it to the dentist! She even wears her pussy hat to the beauty parlor.
(She has to take it off when she gets her hair cut, but then she puts it right back on her head when she gets her pedicure.)
Last week, Viola, her mother and friends were having a Pussy Party and I was downstairs in my man cave, watching FOX Real News. They were just finishing a story about how Hillary killed Ben Ghazi when I heard Sean Spicer say this:
"Last on Fox News, on March 14th, Judge Andrew Napolitano made the following statement, quote, “Three intelligence sources have informed Fox News that President Obama went outside the chain of command. He didn't use the NSA, he didn't use the CIA, he didn't use the FBI and he didn't use the Department of Justice. He used GCHQ. What is that? It's the initials for the British intelligence finding agency. So, simply by having two people saying to them president needs transcripts of conversations involving candidate Trump's conversations, involving president-elect Trump, he's able to get it and there's no American fingerprints on this. Putting the published accounts and common-sense together, this leads to a lot.'"
“There it is!” I cried. “The smoking gun!”
For years, I’ve been trying to convince Viola that everything you ever said about Obama was true! Viola’s so confused! She even thinks Obama was born in Hawaii!
She had warned me not to interrupt her Pussy Party, but this was too important! I ran upstairs and shouted, “Viola! You have to hear what Sean Spicer says Judge Napolitano said! Did you know that Obama ordered the British Secret Service to “wiretap” TRUMP Tower? Finally the truth comes out! This is the only thing that makes sen…..”
But I never got to finish my sentence. Viola interrupted me and said, “Carl, that’s the last straw! Ladies?”
The next thing I knew, someone had thrown a bag over my head and someone else had wrapped a rope around my ankles. They tied my arms to my torso, and then I heard Viola say, “Mom, do the honors!”
That’s when Velma put a pussy hat on my head.
They carried me downstairs, turned on MSNBC Fake News, took away the remote, untied me, and locked the door.
I lost track of how many days I was down there. Viola came down to feed me and to switch the channel to CNN when Fareed Zakariah was on, but besides that, it was just me alone with my thoughts and Rachel Maddow.
Viola finally let me out today and I have to say, the world looks different to me now. For one thing, did you know Obamacare is actually the Affordable Care Act?
Also, health care is a lot more complicated than I thought. I didn’t know I was covered by Obamacare!
Also, when I voted for you, I didn’t know I was going to lose it.
Did you know it’s also called the ACA?
I came out of my man cave so confused and flooded with questions! I know you understand how seriously I take my role as your advisor. But today, let’s turn the tables. I’ll ask the questions and you provide the answers. The teacher becomes the pupil. Ready? Here come the questions:
*Are you confusing Angela Merkel with Angela Lansbury? The reason I ask is you keep calling her “An-je-la” instead of her name, which is “An-ga-la.”
*Remember the look on George H. W. Bush’s face when he threw up at that dinner with the Japanese prime minister? That’s exactly the same look Angela Merkel had on her face when she held that press conference with you. Is she okay?
*Speaking of Angela Merkel, who does she like better: You or Kim Jong-Un?
*How many iPhones can you buy for $10,345? The reason I ask is Jason Chaffetz said poor people would have to give up their iPhones so they could buy health insurance. No wonder they’re poor if they’re buying two hundred iPhones a year!
*After you cut the EPA by 31%, will that leave you enough money to buy the giant vacuum you’re going to need to drain the swamp?
*Don’t forget to funnel the entire swamp over to the Mexican side before you build the wall.
(I know, I know! That was advice, not a question. Sometimes it’s hard to stay in your lane. Like when you’re holding classified national security meetings in the Mara Lago dining room.)
*After you cut the State Department budget by 28%, will that pay for all the bullets Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis says he will need to fight all our wars with countries we’re not talking to anymore?
*Speaking of “Mad Dog” Mattis, did you pick him to be your Defense Secretary because you liked his nickname?
*After you cut the Department of Education by 13%, do you think Betsy DeVoss can still get a decent education?
*Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger has quit The Apprentice and you’re planning to eliminate all funding for Arts and Culture, Big Bird will be a free agent. Do you think you’ll hire him to be the next boss on The Apprentice?
*When are you going to fire Comey from the FBI? He’s tightening the noose, one drip at a time! Yesterday he sealed his fate when he said this:
"I have been authorized by the Department of Justice to confirm that the FBI is investigating Russia's interference in the US election, which includes whether there was any coordination between the campaign and Russian efforts. This will also include an assessment of whether any crimes were committed. I can not say more about whose conduct we are investigating."
Then he lied under oath when he said Obama didn’t wiretap TRUMP Tower! He even denied that the UK and Germany had anything to do with it!
Speaking of Germany, when you had that press conference with Angela Merkel, maybe she had that look on her face because she‘d just finished watching that video of you with the Russian hookers.
My point is, sir, you have to get ahead of this story! Paul Manafort is getting squeezed for “secretly working for a Russian billionaire to advance the interests of Russian President Vladimir Putin.”
I know, I know. You barely knew Paul Manafort. Never met the guy. Those pictures of you with him when he was your campaign manager were photo shopped! Fake News!
Now it turns out Mike Flynn was paid over $50,000 from some shady Russian companies right before he became your advisor and before the Republican Convention he talked with the Russian ambassador about lifting the sanctions.
I know, I know. He was only your National Security Advisor for 24 days! But in this town, perceptions matter!
Roger Stone! Rex Tillerson! Jeff Sessions! Carter Page! Jared Kushner! These guys will be jumping off the ship faster than rats off the Titanic. And I’m afraid these rats might be the singing variety!
Fire Comey! Firing people is what you do best! It worked for Nixon when he fired Archibald Cox and Elliot Richardson! It’ll work for you too!
There I go! Giving advice instead of asking questions. Getting out of my lane again. Oh well—I’m sure you understand getting out of your lane. Kind of like when you gave Ivanka an office in the White House with security clearance while she’s helping you get that TRUMP Hotel built in Azerbaijan.
By the way, please tell Ivanka congratulations for me. I hear her fashion line is moving faster than Kellyanne Conway's lips when she's spitting out Alternative Facts!
Speaking of Alternative Facts, heads-up! When you tell an Alternative Fact, you have what they call in poker: a “tell.” Your “tell” is whenever you’re making up an Alternative Fact, your eyes shift to the left and up into space. Watch the video! It’s true! Next time you make up an Alternative Fact, do what Kellyanne Conway does: She looks you straight in the eye!
That’s her “tell.” She always looks you straight in the eye when she’s making up an Alternative Fact. Your eyes shift left and up.
I did it again! Out of my lane! Sort of like the $60 million you’ve racked up in Secret Service bills for security and travel in your first two months! Last question:
*What do Andrew Johnson, Bill Clinton, and Donald J. TRUMP have in common?
ANSWER: They were all U.S. Presidents. They were all over 6 feet tall.
I said that was my last question. That was an Alternative Fact. Here’s one more:
*Remember when Mitch McConnell said the Senate shouldn’t consider Obama’s Supreme Court pick, Merrick Garland, because Obama only had one year left in his presidency so it only made sense that the next president should decide? Here’s what McConnell said:
"I believe the overwhelming view of the Republican Conference in the Senate is that this nomination should not be filled, this vacancy should not be filled by this lame duck president."
And then you said:
"The Republicans should do exactly what they are doing. I think they should wait till the next president and let the next president pick."
Now that you’re a lame duck with only about a year left in your presidency, does this mean you’ll withdraw Gorsuch’s name and “let the next president pick”?
Is America great again yet? Whoops! That was another question.
Oh well, I never said I’d stop asking questions.
(That was an Alternative Fact.)