Harold N. Bornstein, MD 101 East 78th Street
New York, NY 10075
Dear Dr. Bornstein,
You’ve been our president’s personal physician for over thirty years, so you know him better than anybody. You’ve seen parts of him even Melania and Howard Stern have never seen!
That’s why I’m writing to you, Dr. Bornstein. I’m worried about our president. Lately he seems to be—what’s the medical term—“unhinged”?
Here’s what his good friend Howard Stern said:
"I personally wish that he had never run, I told him that, because I actually think this is something that is gonna be detrimental to his mental health too, because, he wants to be liked, he wants to be loved. He wants people to cheer for him."
He knows he’s loved! Look how much he won the popular vote by! He knows millions of people all over the world are cheering for him in the streets every day! But somehow, it’s never enough! Your patient is a bottomless pit!
As our president’s doctor, I think you should get the heads up: The pressure of the presidency is wearing him down! It’s “detrimental to his mental health!”
Nothing makes him happy anymore! He has a whole menu of countries to choose from to start a war with: Australia, Mexico, Germany, North Korea, China, and every Middle Eastern country besides Saudi Arabia and Egypt. But still something seems to be missing.
He gets to pick fights with CNN, the NY Times, half the judges in America, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Meryl Streep and Arnold Schwarzenegger! But the thrill is gone. And I think I know the problem:
It’s that finasteride you’ve been prescribing him!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, finasteride is for preventing hair loss! And look! It’s working!”
And I say to you, Dr. Bornstein, with all due respect, “What does a gastroenterologist know about hair loss?”
Okay, okay, I guess you know plenty because you and our president have enough hair to start a 60s retro band! But that’s not my point. Did you know finasteride is a prostate drug that has side effects? It’s true! Here are some of the side effects:
Depression, thoughts of suicide, impotence, loss of interest in sex, other problems with sex. Look it up!
When I heard that, it all started to make sense. Have you seen our president’s hands lately? They seem to be getting smaller!
Also, have you noticed Melania has gone missing for two weeks? They say she’s holed up in TRUMP Tower like Rapunzel, and I think you and I know why. I don’t know how to say this delicately so let’s not beat around the bush: He can’t perform certain…how shall we say…manly husband jobs…and it’s causing a strain on their marriage!
It all adds up. Have you seen how snappy he gets with foreign leaders lately? Have you seen how cranky he gets when federal judges won’t let him ban Muslims?
Have you seen how worn out and tired he looks already? In two weeks, he looks like Obama did after eight years! Except for the hair and skin color. Also the weight. There’s a reason he hasn’t teased Rosie O’Donnell recently.
At this rate, pretty soon his tie will be the right length!
Speaking of Obama, have you seen him lately? He looks like a million bucks! Maybe you should show our president a picture of Obama grinning with his hat on backwards, wearing shorts and shades, drinking a Mai Tai, and say to him, “Mr. President, this could be you!”
Or better yet, just say, “Doctor’s orders!” Tell him, for his health, he should quit this lousy job and go back to doing what he does best: Bankrupting companies and firing people. He could even get his old job back at The Apprentice. Wouldn’t he love to say: “Arnold, you’re fired!”
Then he won’t have to worry about his hair anymore. He can get off the finasteride and stop being so depressed. Maybe he can even start performing manly husband jobs again and win Melania back.
And tell him not to worry. If he quits being president, we’ll get Pence! What could go wrong?
Sincerely, Carl Estrada
P.S. Remember when you said:
“If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
I’m still not convinced. Ask Melania.
P.P.S. Speaking of Melania, I read that you were doctor for all three of our president’s wives. Here’s what you said:
“I am probably the only person in the world who has every phone number for him and all the wives.”
What are you waiting for, Dr. Bornstein???!!! Call them up! Jeez! Do I have to spell out everything for you? March down to the White House with all three wives, elbow your way through the protesters, crash the Oval Office and perform an intervention! There’s nobody who has more sway on our president than his wife, his two ex-wives and his doctor!
P.P.P.S. Make sure Steve Bannon is distracted at some KKK rally on the other side of town before you go to the trouble.
P.P.P.P.S. I also heard that you don’t know if our president is a “germaphobe” or not. Here’s what you said:
“We are very careful to keep the examining rooms spotlessly clean, which we do anyway.” After an examination,“he always stands there and changes the paper on the table himself. Other than that, nothing.”
Take him off the finasteride!