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Friday, February 03, 2017

Vice President Steve Bannon

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Ave

Washington, DC 

 

Dear Vice President Bannon,

 

Did you notice I called you Vice President?

 

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, Mike Pence is our vice president.”

 

And I say to you sir, with all due respect, “Who do you think you’re kidding?’’ 

 

All Pence is good for is standing behind our president and smiling when he signs Muslim bans. 

 

All Pence is good for is laughing when our president jokes at the National Prayer Breakfast and prays that Arnold will get better ratings on “The Apprentice.”

 

By the way, could you ask Pence to try a little harder? When our president tells everybody how he won the popular vote, Pence tries to smile but he looks like he just ate a lemon. 

 

When our president makes a joke to an 8-year-old girl about how he’s going to be dating her in 10 years, Pence looks like he ate that lemon about an hour ago along with some old shrimp that had been sitting on the counter for a week, and now he’s really really wishing he hadn’t ate it but since he did, he’s really really wishing he could run to the men’s room fast, but he can’t because our president just made a joke so he’d better laugh.

 

My point is, you’re the guy with our president’s ear!  You’re the man in charge!  You are the Vice President.

 

Or, at least the President of Vice.

 

By the way, when our president is talking and you’re standing behind him, I’ve never once seen your lips move!  How do you do it?  I once went to ventriloquist school so I know how hard it is to make it look like the dummy is doing the talking.

 

But it’s just like you said:

 

“I’m a Leninist.  Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal, too. I want to bring everything crashing down, and destroy all of today’s establishment.”

 

And just like our president said:  “It’s working out very nicely.”

 

And boy, it sure is working out nicely!  We’ve got a Muslim ban, and five-year-olds in handcuffs, and green card holders being denied entry, and Homeland Security officers not knowing what the hell is going on, and airport security officials not knowing what the hell is going on, and mass protests at airports and in the streets, and taxi drivers on strike, and federal judges ruling against you!

 

We’ve got the Mexican president mad and cancelling his visit because he doesn’t want to pay for your “f***ing wall.”  We’ve got the Australian prime minister mad because our president hung up on him, causing John McCain to grovel on his hands and knees and tell Malcolm Turnbull we still like Australia.  

 

We put Iran “on notice,” and we botched that raid in Yemen that got planned on a dinner napkin! 

 

And the Jews are mad because our president didn’t mention the Jewish victims on Holocaust Memorial Day!  And the Palestinians are mad because our president said he wanted to move our Israeli embassy to Jerusalem!  And China’s mad because our president talked to the president of Taiwan!  The only person in the whole world who’s not mad at our president is Putin!

 

We’ve got ‘em right where we want ‘em!

 

Thank you, Vice President Bannon!  You want chaos?  You’ve got chaos!  You’ve created more chaos than a KKK theme park in San Francisco! 

 

And now that you muscled out the Joint Chief of Staff and Director of National Intelligence and got yourself a seat at the table at the National Security Council, you can open your KKK theme park right there in the Situation Room!

 

Or at President TRUMP’s dining table.

 

Remember last year when you said:

 

“We’re going to war in the South China Sea in five to 10 years.  There’s no doubt about that.”

 

Or when you said:

 

“Some of these situations may get a little unpleasant.  But you know what, we’re in a war. We’re clearly going into, I think, a major shooting war in the Middle East again.”

 

I have a question:  Five to 10 years???!!!  If we have to wait 10 years for a war with China, that means President TRUMP won’t get to start it!

 

Or maybe he’ll still get to be president after his eight years are up.  By then America will be so great, he’ll get 99% of the vote!  Just like Putin!

 

I just don’t think you’ve thought this through, Mr. Vice President.  First of all, after you “bring everything crashing down,” in 10 years the only thing left will be cockroaches and those plastic boxes they pack your meds in.

 

Second, stop being so humble!  False modesty doesn’t look good on you, sir!  You know as well as I do it’s not going to take 10 years to start a war with China!  At the rate we’re going, we’ll be in a war with China faster than you can say “Alt-Right!”

 

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

 

P.S.  Speaking of meds, did you hear what our president’s friend Howard Stern said?  Here’s what he said:

"I personally wish that he had never run, I told him that, because I actually think this is something that is gonna be detrimental to his mental health too, because, he wants to be liked, he wants to be loved.  He wants people to cheer for him."

Here’s what else Howard Stern said:

"I think it started out as like a kinda cool, fun thing to do in order to get a couple more bucks out of NBC for The Apprentice…and that is why Donald is calling for voter fraud investigations. He's pissed he won. He still wants Hillary Clinton to win. He's so f—ing pissed, he's hoping that he can find some voter fraud and hand it over to Hillary."

I have a question:

 

How will we know if the pressure is “detrimental to his mental health”?  Will he start bragging to foreign leaders and the CIA about his crowd size?  Will he complain to African-Americans about how unfair the press is on Day 1 of Black History Month?  Will he start signing executive orders faster than he used to sign TRUMP University diplomas? 

 

P.P.S.  Please let me know if you’re planning to start a war in the Middle East or China first.  My wife Viola and I want to take a cruise and we need to plan ahead.

 

P.P.P.S.  You probably noticed my last name is Estrada.  Do you think they’ll let me back in the country?

 

 
 
 
 
 


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