President Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
And I’m not talking about Russian hookers!
No, I’m talking about your staff. I think we have a problem.
Somebody close to you told Politico that your staff has to keep you away from the TV because you get so unhinged when you hear bad news about how your crowd was 1/3 the size of Obama’s. Or how you exaggerated by 4,999,997 the number of illegals who voted. Or how Putin is playing you like a balalaika.
Your aides said they have to “control information that might infuriate him” and it’s hard to do that because he “gets bored and likes to watch TV.”
Remember Chauncey Gardiner? He was the guy Peter Sellers played in “Being There.” Chauncey Gardiner was a real gardener but everybody thought he was smart because he said things that didn’t make any sense and they heard what they wanted to hear.
Chauncey Gardiner liked to watch TV too! He thought life was a TV show! When something in real life was going on that he didn’t like, he’d point his remote at it and try to change the channel.
Chauncey Gardiner told Shirley MacLaine, “I like to watch.” He meant TV, but she heard what she wanted to hear and she did a strip tease for him. Maybe when those tapes of you with the Russian hookers come out, you can say you just meant you wanted to watch TV.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so the day after the inauguration you were still in a froth because the Liberal Media said Obama’s crowd was bigger than yours. Here’s what the New York Times said:
“The lack of discipline troubled even senior members of Mr. Trump’s circle, some of whom had urged him not to indulge his simmering resentment at what he saw as unfair news coverage.”
Then the Washington Post piled on, saying you beat up on Sean Spicer because after you trotted him out to give alternative facts to the press corps, you said he “wasn’t forceful enough.”
Also, you said his suit sucked.
The Washington Post also said some of your staffers think Kellyanne Conway is trying to steal Sean Spicer’s job. And Jared Kushner is trying to muscle out Kellyanne Conway. And nearly a dozen of your aides tried to plant a story saying that you can’t handle embarrassing news.
As they say in Israel: “OY VEY!”
Mr. President, I smell trouble! People close to you are smiling to your face but behind closed doors, they’re sharpening their long knives! I’ve put together a list of suspects. This is no time for investigations or half measures! This is no time to give anyone the benefit of the doubt! Guilty until proven innocent! Show what a decisive leader you are! Fire them all immediately!
Here’s my list of traitors:
Reince Priebus. I never trusted that guy! Remember when the Republicans got their clocks cleaned in 2012? Who was the RNC chairman who wanted to give legal status to illegal immigrants? Who was it who pushed for an outreach program to youth, women, blacks, and Hispanics? When you got in trouble for saying you liked to grab women by their pussies, who came to your penthouse and asked you to drop out of the race? Reinhold Richard “Reince” Priebus, that’s who! And now you think he’s on your side?
That’s the trouble with you, Mr. President—you’re too trusting! You always look for the good in people! Can’t you see Reince Priebus is just biding his time, waiting for you to screw up so he can get Pence in there?
Kellyanne Conway. Jeez! What a piece of work!
QUESTION: What do you get when you give Ann Coulter 100 dexadrines and a helium balloon?
ANSWER: Kellyanne Conway.
Kellyanne Conway is the only person on the planet who can say this with a straight face:
“Don'tbesooverlydramaticaboutitChuckYou'resayingit'safalsehoodandthey'regiving — ourpresssecretarySeanSpicergavealternativefactstothat.”
Don’t forget Kellyanne Conway was on Team Cruz before she jumped his ship and came on yours. Watch out for that lady, Mr. President! She can tangle you in a thousand knots with 14,000 alternative facts before you can say, “Lyin’ Ted!”
Sean Spicer. Another traitor in a bad suit. He’s like 5’9”, 180 pounds, and that suit he wore at his first press conference was made for a guy who’s 6’2”, 240. Did he borrow it from you?
Anyway, I think you’re forgetting what he said when you were running in June 2015. Here’s what he said:
"Painting Mexican Americans with that kind of a brush, I think that’s probably something that is not helpful to the cause."
Also, after you said John McCain wasn’t a hero because he got caught, Spicer said this:
"There is no place in our party or our country for comments that disparage those who have served honorably."
Traitor! I ask you: Who has been at every meeting when there has been a leak from an anonymous source? No, no—I mean besides Russian hookers! Right! Sean Spicer!
Mike Pence. That guy wants your job! Have you noticed how he’s always whispering with Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, and then whenever you come into the room, all of a sudden they get real quiet?
They’re scheming against you, sir! If you don’t believe me, try this experiment: Next time you’re alone with Pence, mention very casually: “I think I’ll nuke Toronto next week.”
Then sit back and read it in the morning edition of the Washington Post.
Melania TRUMP. You think she’s so quiet and shy, and the only time she says anything is when somebody puts a Michelle Obama speech in front of her. But you’ve been fooled by women before and you’re being fooled again! No offense, sir, but I don’t think you understand women very well. You think she loves you for your money but come on! If that was all there was to it, there are lots of guys with more money than you!
I promise she doesn’t love you for your hair. The reason I know that is it doesn’t match a single outfit she’s ever worn!
No, the reason Melania loves you is she loves America! But now that you’ve said you’re going to kick out all the illegals, she’s terrified that she’s going to be deported! That’s why she has to derail your presidency before she ends up back in Slovenia!
And let’s face it—when you’ve been ranting and raving at the TV, and yelling at your staff for not defending you with alternative facts, and tweeting about your crowd size at 3:00 in the morning, have you ever even noticed that Melania was there?
Of course not! She’s as quiet as a church mouse. I don’t even know if you know she speaks English!
But she’s been taking notes and she’s been taking names. Haven’t you seen her huddling with Ryan, McConnell, and Pence?
I know this is a hard pill for you to swallow, Mr. President. But somebody has to give it to you straight and it might as well be me. Don’t waste a minute! Fire them all! You’re good at that—you’ve had lots of practice!
And after it’s done, if you’re looking for a new press secretary or chief of staff, just remember:
I’m Carl Estrada, at your service!