The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
Last Saturday morning, my wife Viola asked me to take a walk with her across the Hawthorne Bridge into downtown Portland. I was happy to go. To tell you the truth I was happy to do anything with her because she hasn’t been speaking to me ever since you became president.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Viola confessed the reason she hasn’t been talking to me is because ever since your inauguration when she heard you talking about “American carnage,” she’s developed a major crush on you that’s out of control. She can’t stop thinking about how big your crowds are!
As we were leaving, she put a pink knit hat on her head. When I asked her what it was, she told me it was her “pussy hat” and it was a protest against you and your disrespect of women.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: When I asked her what it was, she told me it was her “pussy hat” and it was her way of saying how hot you were and how she’d love it if you would grab her anywhere you want.
We got to the bridge and I couldn’t believe my eyes! There were crowds as far as the eye could see (which was an inch in front of my face because we were packed in tighter than Obama’s first inauguration!).
But when I looked to my right across the Willamette River, I saw the Morrison Bridge and people were squeezed in there too! And beyond the Morrison Bridge I saw the Burnside Bridge, and it was more crowded than Obama’s speech at the Lincoln Memorial!
The parade was funneling down to the waterfront where there were already so many people, it looked like Obama’s speech at the Brandenberg Gate!
ALTERNATIVE FACT: There were not 100,000 people at the Portland rally and there were not over 500,000 people in D.C! The Liberal Media says there were over 600 rallies worldwide, but if you look closely you can see that it was just Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, and Madonna photo shopped 3 million times.
So Viola and I made our way to the rally and we were drowning in a sea of pink pussy hats! Little children, millennials, seniors, women and men—there were even police officers wearing pussy hats!
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Millions of women from all over the world came out to celebrate YOU! These are Elvis numbers! But even Elvis’ women didn’t wear pussy hats!
ALTERNATIVE FACT: You’re much classier than Elvis. So much classier.
Then it started raining. It was cold and everybody was drenched but do you think that stopped them? Not at all! If anything, it made them more determined and happy to be standing together for a common cause! (I’m not sure what that cause was but I think it had something to do with keeping global warming and immigrants away from women’s nuclear buttons.)
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Elvis was seen at the Vegas rally. He’s 81 and confined to a wheelchair now, but he still looks great in that white jumpsuit. You couldn’t tell if he’d lost his hair because he was wearing a pussy hat.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Melania was seen marching at the D.C. rally. She looked radiant in her powder blue Jackie-Kennedy-copy Ralph Lauren ensemble topped by an elegant pussy hat. She was carrying a sign that said: I AM AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT. PLEASE DEPORT ME!
When we got home I turned on our brand new TV (Viola broke the last one—I think it was when you said: “…rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation…”) and there you were at CIA headquarters, making up with the intelligence community by complaining about how mean the media is to you, and how your crowds were much bigger than Obama’s, and how you won the popular vote because 3-5 million illegals voted.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: Those stars you were standing in front of at the CIA memorial wall didn’t represent the unnamed fallen CIA officers. They represented each time you’ve done something awesome since you’ve been president.
The next day, Shawn Spicer (he’s your press secretary) came on TV and yelled at the Liberal Media for being so mean to you. He was mad because the media showed pictures that made it look like Obama’s was bigger than yours.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: A group of eminent scientists from Breitbart News did an extensive study proving that yours was bigger than Obama’s! The Breitbart
scientists’ statement concluded: “Obama’s is impressive. But President TRUMP’s is YU-U-U-UGE!”
But all that is so two days ago! Things move fast in TRUMP world! Since then you ordered the Keystone and Dakota pipelines reopened, you took Step 1 in repealing Obamacare, you reinstated the Global Gag Rule, you pulled out of TPP, you ordered an investigation into the 3-5 million illegals who somebody told you voted for Crooked Hillary, and you proclaimed your inauguration day to be “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.”
By the way, the Global Gag Rule denies federal funding to any foreign health care provider that even mentions the word “abortion” to patients, provides counseling, referrals, or post-abortion follow-up care. Those Nasty Women at Planned Parenthood are mad at you for reinstating the Global Gag Rule, so you must be right. Here’s what their global executive director said:
“The timing of this policy reinstatement is particularly devastating since we know that global family planning programs are working. U.S. assistance for family planning and reproductive health programs for FY 2016 would ensure contraceptive services and supplies for 27 million women and couples, and help avert six million unintended pregnancies; 11,000 maternal deaths; and 2.3 million abortions, the vast majority of which are unsafe. But by reinstating the global gag rule, President Trump threatens to undercut years of progress by disqualifying many of the most experienced family planning providers from funding. The lives of some of the most vulnerable women and girls will once again be at risk.”
ALTERNATIVE FACT: The Global Gag Rule makes it a federal offense for any person to gag when the name of President TRUMP is mentioned. This means you, Lindsey Graham and John McCain!
ALTERNATIVE FACT: The 3-5 million illegals who unnamed sources say voted for Crooked Hillary are more than offset by the 8 million Hillary supporters who were taken hostage and held at gunpoint by a bluegrass group called Ammon Bundy and the Malheur Boys, thereby denying them the right to vote, unnamed sources say.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: “National Day of Patriotic Devotion” was first observed by North Korea in 2014 by decree of their Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Un.
ALTERNATIVE FACT: It is widely believed that the concept of “alternative facts” was conceived by Kellyanne Conway on “Meet the Press,” January 22, 2016. An alternative fact is that this well-worn model, having been documented by authors such as George Orwell and Aldous Huxley, has been employed throughout the ages by such eminent leaders as Machiavelli, Mao Tse-Tung, and Adolf Hitler.
It’s been quite a week! I can’t wait to see what happens next!
P.S. You might have noticed I’m still addressing my letters to the TRUMP Organization in New York. Just let me know when you let go of your business interests and I’ll start sending my letters to the White House.
P.P.S. If Pence is president by then, tell him I’ll be sure to write to him too.