President-Elect Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President-Elect TRUMP,
I recently heard you don’t have any pets. This could be a big problem!
I know. I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, you’re forgetting Pence has a pet rabbit.”
And I say to you sir, “Yes, but Pence won’t be president for at least another year!”
Do you realize that every U.S. president in history except James Polk and Andrew Johnson has had a pet? James Polk started the Mexican-American war. Andrew Johnson came in after Lincoln, tried to undo everything Lincoln had done, and got impeached.
Are you trying to make a statement?
Maybe it’s because you’re a germaphobe. Remember your Fake News conference last week when a reporter asked you about Russian hookers giving you “golden showers”? You said you’d never hire Russian hookers to give you “golden showers” because there are too many hidden cameras in Russian hotel rooms.
You also said this:
"I'm also very much of a germaphobe, by the way. Believe me."
I’m so confused. Last year when you were out campaigning in Iowa you said this:
"I'm not germaphobic. I go through and shake hands and do what I have to do, and people like me and I like them. In Iowa, I must have shaken 2,000 hands - and those were only the ones that were next to me."
Maybe Iowa hookers don’t have as many germs as Russian hookers. Also, maybe there aren’t as many cameras in Iowa hotels.
I just think it’s the duty of the president to have a pet! Having a pet shows your softer side, your kinder, gentler, more human side…. Oh, never mind.
Speaking of pets, I have a problem at home. My wife Viola and I have two dogs. My dog is a 160 pound Great Dane named Mitzi. Viola’s dog is a 12 pound pug named Buster. It all started the day you won the election. I should probably give you some background:
I haven’t bought a new TV since George W. Bush was My President. That was the last time Viola threw something at it and broke it.
But now she’s at it again. Ever since you got elected, Viola has taken to throwing things at the TV every time you come on. The only reason she hasn’t broken it yet is I try to remove hard objects from her reach. Also, her aim is bad.
But it gets worse. When George W. Bush was My President, Viola started swearing at the TV like a sailor! Now she says words that even I’ve never heard! I was shocked when I looked them up!
Remember when the Liberal Media put out that Fake News story about how you liked to grab women by the “pussy”? Well, I won’t even tell you what Viola said she’d like to grab you by and what she wanted to do to it once she got a grip.
Once she calmed down, she had to admit that she might have trouble finding it.
Back to my pets. Ever since Viola has taken to yelling at the TV, Mitzi and Buster have changed. At first, whenever Viola would yell, they’d slink off into the bathroom thinking they were in trouble.
But one day they started barking along with her! You came on the TV and said:
“I look very much forward to the inauguration. It’s going to be a beautiful event. We have great talent, tremendous talent. And we have all of the bands — or most of the bands from the different segments of the military. And I’ve heard some of these bands over the years — they’re incredible. We’re going to have a very, very elegant day.”
And Viola started yelling, “You @#$%^&*!!!” and Mitzi started barking and Buster started yapping! And then Viola started barking like a dog and from the sound of their voices, I think Mitzi and Buster were swearing!
But it gets worse. Now, Viola doesn’t even have to be home! Whenever you come on the TV, Mitzi and Buster start barking at the top of their lungs and I can’t shut them up! I can be in the next room and I’ll hear my dogs barking hysterically and I think, “President-elect TRUMP must be on TV again.”
The way Mitzi and Buster bark, you’d think we were on the verge of a nuclear war!
Anyway, if you’re thinking about getting a pet, here are some tips:
Dogs are Democrats. They’re loud and messy, they wear their bleeding hearts on their sleeves, and they like everybody.
Cats are Republicans. They’re sneaky and vain, they have no conscience, and the only thing they care about is themselves.
Maybe you should get a cat.
P.S. Ask Pence if, when he becomes president next year, will he let his rabbit loose in the Oval Office or does he plan to keep him locked up in his cage?