President-elect Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President-elect TRUMP,
This is so darned complicated even I don’t know what advice to give you!
I get it that Russia hacked Hillary and helped you win the election. Big deal! 25% of us would have voted for you anyway!
I get it that your advisors have been talking with Russia a lot, including your National Security Advisor pick, Michael Flynn who made lots of calls to the Russian ambassador at the same time Obama was ordering new sanctions against Russia. Big deal! He was just wishing him a “Merry Christmas!”
I get it that the Russians have videos of you with Russian hookers giving “golden showers.” Big deal! If Obama could wiggle out of the birther scandal, you can wiggle out of this one too!
Maybe when the Russians release those videos, you can say they were doctored. You can say it was really Hillary who was with the Russian hookers but they photo shopped the videos to make it look like it was you. FAKE NEWS!
I think you’re on solid ground with Hackingate and Rigged Electiongate and Goldengate. But here’s the gate I worry about:
Remember when you said: “What do I have to do with Russia? “The closest I came to Russia, I bought a house a number of years ago in Palm Beach, Florida… for $40 million and I sold it to a Russian for $100 million including brokerage commissions.”
I know. I know. Your Russian businesses are worth about as much as a pile of TRUMP steaks. Your Russian businesses are worth about as much as those thousands of blank documents you had stacked in front of you at your last press conference.
I counter with this, sir: Yes, I understand that your Russian businesses are worth about as much as a TRUMP shower cap made in China. But I gotta hand it to you for trying! Remember when you couldn’t get an American bank loan because you’d gone bankrupt so many times? It’s a good thing Bayrock came along!
Remember Bayrock? They were the group of Russian financiers who helped your business, “TRUMP Soho” put together very very very huge deals in Fort Lauderdale, Phoenix, and New York.
Oh--and remember when Bayrock got sued for racketeering, tax evasion, and money-laundering?
Oh—and don’t forget the Sapir Organization. Remember the founder, Tamir Sapir from the former Soviet Republic of Georgia? Remember that deposition you gave where you said you and he had discussed “numerous deals from all over the world”?
Oh—and don’t forget Tevfik Arik, the founder of Bayrock who brought potential Russian investors to your office to talk shop. Or maybe to wish you a Merry Christmas?
Oh—and don’t forget that $50 million investment in TRUMP Soho that Bayrock brokered with that Icelandic company that was connected to wealthy Russians with close ties to Putin.
Oh—and don’t forget that fraud lawsuit against TRUMP Soho where Bayrock’s finance chief said that your funding seemed to “magically” appear from Russia and Kazakhstan whenever you needed it.
POP QUIZ! Match the following players with their names:
1. Your former campaign manager who was a longtime paid consultant to Victor Yanukovich, Putin’s Personal Puppet and President of Ukraine. He did multi-million dollar deals with Russian oligarchs and had to resign because of all of the above.
2. Your former foreign policy advisor who has business ties to the state-controlled Russian oil powerhouse, Gazprom. He had to resign when the FBI investigated him for private communications with senior Russian officials.
3. Your National Security Advisor pick (don’t cheat and read the top of my letter) who attended a Moscow banquet honoring the Kremlin’s propaganda channel, Russia Today (seen recently on C-Span), and got a seat near Putin at the head table.
4. Your pick for Secretary of State, CEO of Exxon which has invested billions of dollars in Russian oil fields which will open up as soon as the sanctions are lifted. In 2015 he said: “We’ll await a time in which the sanctions environment changes or the sanctions requirements change.”
a. Paul Manafort
b. Carter Page
c. Retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn
d. Rex Tillerson
As I see it, you only have two choices and here they are:
Choice #1: Overcomplicate! Baffle ‘em with bullshit, as they say! When a reporter from the Liberal Media asks you, “Mr. President-elect, what do you say to those who accuse you of being in cahoots with the Russians to steal the election?” recite a passage from a Deepak Chopra essay on quantum physics and say:
“If you ask a simple question like ‘What came before the big bang?’ you are posing a paradox. ‘Before’ and ‘after’ have a meaning only in time, and linear time at that. There is no evidence of any kind that time existed before the big bang. Moreover, what we typically think of as time--the tick tock on a clock face--depends on having a human nervous system. Einstein broke free of this model, where we think we intuitively know what time is, when he introduced the concepts in his theories of relativity. In those theories, the speeding up or slowing down of time depends on the frames of references of observers. Time is not universal. For example, a moving observer’s time slows down as seen by a stationary observer. Slowing down of time also occurs when an observer is falling towards a black hole….”
The more I think about it, that’s more Obama’s style. I think you should go with:
Choice #2: Oversimplify! This fits your style better. When a reporter from the Liberal Media asks you, “Mr. President-elect, how do you explain all the documented connections you and your advisors have to Russian business and government?” you say:
“Golden showers. They’re amazing. Very very amazing. I only get the very best golden showers. The very best quality. That’s why I go to Russia. The girls there are fantastic. Very very fantastic. I pay top dollar for my golden showers. Who knows? Maybe I’ll start my own line of golden showers. Who knows?”
Mr. President-elect, I promise if you say that, the Liberal Media will be all over it like flies on your hotel mattress and no one will ever ask you about Russia again!
P.S. By the way, do you remember what Donald Jr. said in 2008? Here’s what he said:
“Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets. We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia.”
I think it was a good call for you to turn your business over to your kids! We wouldn’t want a conflict of interest!
P.P.S. If you start a line of “Golden Showers,” don’t, I repeat: don’t make them in Russia!