President-Elect Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President-Elect TRUMP,
You and I have something in common: We’re both grandparents! Don’t you love being a grandpa? I bet no matter how busy your day has been, or how many amazing deals you’ve pulled off, or how many lawsuits you’ve had to testify in, you always find time to bounce those little tykes on your knee while they’re pulling hairs out of your nose!
Last night, I was reading a bedtime story to my granddaughters, Bobbie, Billie, and Bud (their mothers named them like that because they think they should choose their own gender when they turn 13). I read them the story of King Midas. I highly recommend it for your grandkids! Here’s how it goes:
A long long time ago in faraway Greece, Midas was king. Just like you! Midas loved gold. Just like you! He loved it so much that he made a wish that everything he touched would turn to gold. And voila! His wish came true!
He touched a table and it turned to gold. He touched a chair and it turned to gold. Et cetera, et cetera. Pretty soon his whole palace looked just like your living room! The furniture, the walls, even the toilet seats were gold! (I made that last part up. They didn’t have indoor plumbing in Midas’ day. But I bet his chamber pot was gold.)
Anyway, the whole thing blew up on him when he hugged his daughter and she became a golden statue. Just like Ivanka!
Speaking of gold and indoor plumbing, I wonder if maybe you’ve been granted King Midas’ wish? The reason I ask is a lot of people are saying--and I’m not saying it’s true--but a lot of people are saying that you like to take “golden showers.” I’m not making any judgments. Whatever floats your boat. But no matter how rich it makes you, I think it would hurt to turn on the shower and get pelted by gold!
Also, it’s hard to see how you could get clean.
Again, I’m not saying you like “golden showers”—I’m only reporting what lots of other people are saying. Lots and lots of people are saying you like “golden showers.” I just think you should get a written statement from those Russian hookers to prove you don’t.
Again, I’m not saying it’s true. It’s just that I’ve heard that you like “golden showers” from an extremely credible source. Extremely credible! An amazing source! A very very very very fantastic source! Believe me!
FACT: You love gold!
FACT: Your walls and toilet seats and picture frames and bed frames—even your mattress is gold!
FACT: You love Russian hookers!
Actually, I don’t know if you love Russian hookers. But the media wants to make an issue out of this. So sad.
I really don’t care. I don’t care. Believe me. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to release a statement from those Russian hookers saying you don’t like “golden showers” so we could clear this whole thing up.
Anyway, back to King Midas. After he turned his daughter into a golden statue and he couldn’t eat because his food turned to gold, and he couldn’t drink because his water turned to gold, and he couldn’t even bathe because when he turned on the shower, guess what?
Like I said, King Midas couldn’t have turned on the shower because they didn’t have indoor plumbing then, but you know how much fun it is to embellish a story!
So King Midas made another wish that he would lose his golden touch, and voila! Everything turned back to normal, and he could eat and drink again, and his daughter became flesh and blood again, and to this day when Midas visits Russian hookers, he never ever asks for a “golden shower.”