Mr. Michael Richard “Mike” Pence Indiana Governor and Vice President-Elect
Office of the Governor
Indianapolis, Indiana 46204-2797
Dear Vice President-Elect “Mike” Pence,
Have you talked with Mr. TRUMP lately? The reason I ask is I think he’s got some big news for you!
Yesterday I wrote him a letter advising him to turn the presidency over to you. I pointed out that he’s too big to be president! With his 144 businesses in over 25 different countries (that we know of), his 315 million dollars of debt (that we know of), his lawsuits, bribery charges, and shady deals with Russia, Turkey, and the Philippines (that we know of), I advised him he’s got bigger fish to fry then to be punching down at Planned Parenthood and Obamacare and Meryl Streep!
Remember when the Liberal Media had their panties in a bunch because Dick Cheney had a “conflict of interest” over Halliburton? That was so last Republican administration! Mr. TRUMP’s “conflicts of interest” make Halliburton look as innocent as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream! And I’m not talking about Cherry Garcia or Chunky Monkey or Fossil Fuel. I’m talking about when they only made Vanilla!
Speaking of fossil fuel, when Mr. TRUMP makes you president, do you think you’ll pull out of the Paris Climate Agreement? Pull out, Mr. President-Select! Show some backbone! If Nicaragua, the Syrian Arab Republic, and Uzbekistan can stand up to the other 195 countries, so can we!
Speaking of vanilla, who’s your favorite TRUMP cabinet pick? I like Jeff Sessions! I’m a bit of a Civil War buff and every year I go to Gettysburg for the Annual Civil War Re-enactment. But when Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III becomes Attorney General, I won’t have to travel all the way to Gettysburg anymore!
Speaking of Jeff Sessions, I always get you and him mixed up. You both have white hair, you’re both pale, and you both have squinty eyes. Are you the taller one?
But I think I figured out how to tell you apart. Just say “Civil War.” Jeff Sessions is the one who will correct you and say, “War of Northern Aggression.”
Where was I? Oh yeah, right! I think I’ve persuaded Mr. TRUMP to make you president. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Do you really think he wants to waste his time mowing down gays and women and Latino and Muslim demonstrators every time he tries to walk through the lobby of his hotel?
Do you really think he wants to waste his time eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts with Paul Ryan and listening to him drone on and on about appropriations bills and Atlas Shrugged?
Do you really think he wants to spend the next eight years with his finger on the nuclear button?
Whoops! Don’t remind him of that one, Mr. President-Select, or you’ll talk yourself right out of a job!
My point is: We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Mr. TRUMP’s strength is spelling his name in really big letters. But you, Mr. Pence, are a born leader!
Question 1: Which Indiana governor defied the EPA’s Clean Power Plan stating that even if legal challenges failed, Indiana would refuse to come up with a plan to reduce emissions?
Question 2: Which Indiana governor defied state school organizations by signing a bill allowing firearms to be kept in vehicles on school property?
Question 3: Which Indiana governor defunded Planned Parenthood in his state even though they performed no abortions and they provided HIV testing and offered prevention, intervention, and health counseling?
Question 4: Which Indiana governor signed the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” which discriminated against LGBT and caused companies such as Apple, Angie’s List, and the mayors of San Francisco and Seattle to boycott the state, costing Indiana millions of dollars in revenue?
Answers: 1) You 2) You 3) You 4) You
You see? You’ll be perfect for the job! Just make sure when Mr. TRUMP makes you president, he turns over the nuclear codes!
P.S. Make sure you change the username and password too!
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite vice-president of all time! He likes you even better than Spiro Agnew!