President-Elect Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President-Elect TRUMP,
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written you. Ever since you were elected, I’ve been busy getting my affairs in order. Updating my will has been really complicated when there won’t be anybody left to leave my stuff to.
Speaking of getting affairs in order, how’s it going with your company? Do you think you can untangle yourself from those golf courses in Ireland and Scotland where you’re twisting their arm to build a seawall, and Hotel Rio de Janeiro that’s under investigation for bribery, and your 315 million dollars in business debt, and that 150 million dollar, 57 story tower in the Philippines with the slogan “Live Above the Rest”?
Do you think Turkey’s president Erdogen will free your business partner who he arrested, and will he put your name back on the towers in Istanbul if you give him Fethullah Gulen, the dissident who is seeking asylum in the U.S.? It’s just like you said:
“I have a little conflict of interest because I have a major, major building in Istanbul. It’s a tremendously successful job. It’s called Trump Towers — two towers, instead of one. Not the usual one. It’s two.”
Two?! Sir, with all due respect, I suggest you choose your words more carefully. Somebody who doesn’t know you better might think you’re a greedy, ostentatious, ego-maniac!
There’s another thing I want to warn you about. You said:
“I’ve built a very great company and it’s a big company and it’s all over the world. I don’t care about my company. It doesn’t matter. My kids run it.”
I have just three words of advice and here they are:
DON’T DO IT!!!
I once thought I’d turn my neighborhood grocery store over to my kids and it was a disaster! Pretty soon they’d set up an espresso drive-thru, they cleared out the grocery inventory and were selling cannabis, and they had loud bands playing on the weekends! All their customers were covered with tattoos and rings sticking out of every place on their bodies. They were all different colors, they were smoking and vaping, and people of the same sex were holding hands and I don’t even want to think of what else!
Well, there was only one thing for me to do. I took my business back, and now my shelves are once again stocked with Cheerios and Liquid Plumber and Rice-a-Roni. Most of my old customers have returned and they seem happy to have a place where they can be with their own kind.
But my point is this: Don’t turn over your business to your kids! You’ve built an empire! Hold on to it! There’s only one thing for you to do:
Give the presidency to Pence!
You’ve made your point! You proved you could win, but do you really want the headache?
Do you really want to take health care away from 20 million people? Let Pence do it! He’s really into that sort of thing!
Do you really want to defund Planned Parenthood? Let Pence do it! That’s right up his alley!
Do you really want to fight with Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer every day of your life when instead you could be doing what you’re good at, which is getting your name on top of big expensive hotels, and bribing foreign governments for contracts, and stiffing contractors out of millions of dollars you owe them?
Can you imagine the favors Pence would owe you if you let him be president? Ask Putin! He’ll tell you! Remember when Putin let Medvedev be president for a while? Ask Putin who was really in charge during that time!
Let Pence do the dirty work! Don’t stoop to the level of U.S. President! It’s beneath you! You have bigger fish to fry! Don’t forget the motto for your towers in the Philippines:
“Live Above the Rest!”
P.S. Could you please send a photo? Autograph it to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite strongman president. He likes you even better than Rodrigo Duterte!