President-Elect Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. President-Elect TRUMP,
It’s been two weeks since the election and I want to be the first to say:
I bet you’ll never guess who I voted for: It was you! I stood inside the voting booth and I thought and I thought, and hours went by, and there was a line of people that stretched for miles, and they were all yelling at me to hurry up, and I had to go to the bathroom, so I thought, “What have I got to lose?” and I pulled the lever for you!
I hope you don’t think that just because I voted for you I’m a hateful, sexist racist.
The reason I voted for you wasn’t because you said Mexicans were “criminals and rapists.”
It wasn’t because David Duke, the KKK, and all the Neo-Nazi groups in the world love you.
It wasn’t because you said, "You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the p**sy. You can do anything."
It wasn’t because you said, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
It wasn’t because you said: "Women: You have to treat them like s--t."
Like I said: I’m not a racist. In fact, after you, “I am the least racist person that you’ve ever encountered!”
No! The reason I voted for you is this:
I want to Make America Great Again!
And if we’re going to Make America Great Again, sometimes we just have to ignore little things like how our president will deport 12 million undocumented workers, or how he wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States, or how he was in cahoots with the Russians to steal the election, or how he made fun of a reporter with a disability, or how he said John McCain wasn’t a war hero because he got caught, or how he wants to go back to “stop and frisk” laws in the “inner cities,” or how he said that maybe letting Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia get nukes was a good idea.
The important thing is this:
Crooked Hillary is just as bad!
She had a private email server and her aides said a bunch of stuff on WikiLeaks. And Congress made her testify about Ben Ghazi and they couldn’t pin anything on her, which proves how crooked she is! Also, she’s had so many scandals! Remember how Vince Foster knew too much so she threw him into the Whitewater?
Remember how mad she got at Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones because they were having affairs with her husband?
My point is, you said you’d Make America Great Again and it’s already working! The media is finally paying attention to Old White Guys like me and asking us what we want! And here’s what I want:
Remember when Andy Griffith lived in Mayberry? Andy took Opie fishing and they whistled a lot. Everybody had a job but nobody seemed to work very hard. You never saw Floyd the barber cutting anybody’s hair. Aunt Bee made a lot of pies.
You never saw any Black Lives Matter signs, and the truth is black lives didn’t matter very much because there weren’t any.
You never saw a woman wearing a hijab in Mayberry. I don’t remember seeing any Mexicans either. Or gays. Barney Fife might have been gay, but at least he kept it to himself.
I always wondered about Gomer and Goober. Do you think?
I liked Dick Van Dyke a lot, too. He was a writer for a liberal TV show, but at least they told jokes I could understand! Not like All in the Family. I never knew what everybody was laughing about.
Dick Van Dyke and Laura Petrie were the first TV husband and wife that you got to see in the bedroom together. Not actually in the same bed—they each had their own bed that was separated by a nightstand. But still… you can’t fight progress!
I liked Laura’s pajamas!
Speaking of husbands and wives sleeping in separate beds, ever since the election I’ve been sleeping on the couch. I don’t know what’s gotten into my wife, Viola. She’s been eating anti-depressants like they were jelly beans and washing them down with Jack Daniels.
She told me I could come back to bed with her after you Make America Great Again!
I can hardly wait!
P.S. Did you see the temperature in the Arctic is 29 degrees above normal this year? The snowmobilers are falling through the ice and the Iditarod planners are having to ship in snow for their races. You’d better do something! The indigenous people are going to be without a home pretty soon and they might end up here!
Make the Arctic Great Again!
P.P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TRUMP. He likes you even better than Alec Baldwin!