Ex-President George W. Bush GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL CENTER
2943 SMU Boulevard
Dallas, Texas 75205
Dear Mr. Ex-President,
I’m sorry for not writing You for so long. You must think I’m fickle. But please know this: Even though Mr.TRUMP is going to to Make America Great Again, in my mind You are still the greatest president since Herbert Hoover!
I bet You’re wondering why I’m writing You just two days before we elect Mr.TRUMP to Make America Great Again. It’s my wife, Viola. For the last couple weeks, she’s been acting really strange. She hasn’t been sleeping or eating, she’s been drifting around the house like a ghost, talking to herself, and every time she hears Mr.TRUMP’s voice, she goes into a fetal position.
Last night I woke up at 3:00 in the morning and Viola wasn’t in bed. I went into the study and there she was, hunched over the computer. “Are you reading Nate Silver again?” I asked.
“Yes!” Viola cried. “Hillary’s down from 64.4% to 64.2%! Don’t you understand, Carl? We’re doomed!”
And I said, “We’re not doomed, Viola. Mr. TRUMP still has a path to 270.”
Then she screamed something at me I won’t repeat, but there were words I haven’t heard her say since You were president. I made her a cup of hot chocolate and brought her an Ambien, but she told me she had already taken two Ambien and they didn’t do any good. Then she said something I’ll never forget:
“Carl, I’m sorry,” she said.
“Whatever for, Viola?” I asked. “You’ve been a wonderful wife to me for over 40 years.”
“Remember when george w. bush was ‘Your President’ and you were writing letters to him every day?” she asked. “Remember when I made you sleep on the couch for six months because I was so mad at you?”
“How could I forget,” I said.
“Well, Carl, I was wrong,” Viola confessed.
“Yes I was. I’ve been watching TRUMP for the last year and every time he opens his mouth I think, ‘Maybe bush wasn’t that bad after all.’ ”
“He wasn’t?” Now I was getting worried. This wasn’t like my Viola.
“That’s right. I used to think Your President was the second coming of Attila the Hun. But now I see him for what he really was.”
“The Greatest President since Herbert Hoover?” I ventured.
“No, Carl. President bush was nothing but your garden variety arrogant Republican moron who allowed 9/11 to happen on his watch, demagogued his way into two wars which he mismanaged, and ran our economy into the ground.”
“I do miss Him,” I said.
“But now that I’ve seen TRUMP,” Viola continued,
“george w. bush looks like Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Rogers, and Einstein rolled into one.”
“He does?” I asked. Viola wasn’t making any sense. Why was she suddenly agreeing with me?
“George w. bush never called Mexicans ‘rapists and criminals.’ George w. bush went to a mosque after 9/11. George w. bush never called John McCain a loser because he was a POW.”
“That’s true,” I said. “My President only spread rumors that McCain fathered an illegitimate brown baby.”
“Nickels and dimes!” said Viola. “ ‘Your President’ never called women fat pigs and slobs. He never bragged about grabbing their pussies!”
“He gave Angela Merkel a shoulder rub,” I countered.
“Oh, those days of innocence,” Viola sighed. “ ‘Your President’ looked into Putin’s eyes and saw his soul, but at least he wasn’t in cahoots with Russia to rig our elections! ‘Your President’ may have started two dumb wars but at least he didn’t want Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia to get nukes! ‘Your President’ ‘Swift Boated’ John Kerry but at least he didn’t threaten to throw him in jail!”
“Lock her up! Lock her up!” I cried.
“Yeah right, Carl, lock her up,” she said. “If TRUMP gets elected, pretty soon the only people who won’t be locked up will be Chris Christie, Rudi Giuliani, and old white guys like you. Oh, and his KKK supporters. They won’t get locked up either.”
Sometimes Viola doesn’t make any sense at all.
“After Jimmy Carter was president,” she continued, “he started Habitat for Humanity. After Bill Clinton was president, he helped millions of people around the world with the Clinton Foundation. And what does ‘Your President’ do in his retirement? He paints pictures of himself in the bathtub!”
She was sobbing for no reason and I know it wasn’t because she had blood coming out of her wherever. That hasn’t happened for years!
“AND NOW I THINK THAT’S SORT OF SWEET!” she cried. “The other day I saw him hugging Michelle Obama! And you know what the worst part of it was? I WANTED TO HUG HIM TOO-OO—OO!!!”
Poor Viola was inconsolable.
So You see my problem, Mr. Ex-President. My wife finally sees how great You were and she’s afraid there is no way that Mr. TRUMP can live up to Your legacy!
Could you write a letter to Viola, Sir? Tell her everything’s going to be fine. Remind her that You’re not the only one who was born on third base and thought he hit a triple. Mr. TRUMP was born in the end zone and thought he scored a touchdown!
Speaking of football, did you hear Mr. TRUMP has the same chance of winning as an NFL kicker has of missing a 30 yard field goal? I told that to Viola hoping it would make her feel better, but she just started bawling again.
“Chandler Cantanzaro missed a 24-yarder just last week!” she cried.
Then she barked an order: “Give me that Ambien!”
“But Viola,” I said. “You’ve already had two!”
“Then I’ll make it three and wash it down with Jack Daniels!”
And then Viola said something I’ll never forget, something that summed up the entire presidential campaign. Here’s what she said:
“Wake me when it’s over.”
P.S. Don’t forget to write Viola. Tell her how proud You are that Mr. TRUMP is standing on Your shoulders. It will mean so much to her!