Dr. Phil McGraw
Dr. Phil Show
5482 Wilshire Boulevard #1902
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Dear Dr. Phil,
Last night I had the weirdest dream! I woke up confused and out of sorts. I told my wife Viola about it and she explained that dreams are “symbols” that mean something different from what you see. It’s like when people say Mr. TRUMP is blowing a dog whistle but you never actually see him blowing a dog whistle.
Then she said, “Why don’t you ask Dr. Phil? He really smart about that stuff.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never talked to a psychiatrist before and I don’t need to. I guarantee there’s no problem, I guarantee.
But this dream has me baffled. I’ve heard psychiatrists know what dreams mean. If anybody can figure it out, it’s you. So here it is. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy:
There was this Frankenstein monster, only different. You know how dreams are. He was eight feet tall and had scars on his face and bolts coming out of his head just like Boris Karloff. But his face was orange and he wore a perfectly tailored suit and his hair looked like Vegas Elvis meets the Great Pumpkin.
The townspeople were all mad at Orange Frankenstein and they chased him with torches and pitchforks and they were all shouting, “We invented you, Orange Frankenstein! But now we hate you because you’re a LOSER! And then they started chanting:
“LOSER! LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!”
And leading the crowd was Paul Ryan, waving his pitchfork and shouting, “I will support you, Orange Frankenstein, but I will not endorse you! Furthermore, now that you are a LOSER, I will no longer defend you!”
And swinging a baseball bat was Kelly Ayotte, and she cried, “You were a role model for my children, Orange Frankenstein! But now you are a LOSER so I must disavow you!”
And lighting a torch was John McCain, shouting, “I stood by you when you insulted me, Orange Frankenstein! I stood by you when you insulted Gold Star Parents! I stood by you when you insulted Muslims! I stood by you when you insulted women! But I can no longer stand by you Orange Frankenstein, because you are a LOSER!”
“LOSER! LOSER! LOSER! LOSER!” the crowd chanted.
And the village vigilantes chased Orange Frankenstein into the tallest tower where he climbed the stairs to the highest floor. At the top of the tower was a huge sign that said, TRUMP, but then the sign changed, and it turned into this:
And then Orange Frankenstein changed too, and he looked like King Kong! Except he had orange hair that looked like Howdy Doody meets Liberace.
And Orange Kong was eating Tic Tacs and carrying Rosie O’Donnell up the stairs in one hand and groping her with the other and shouting at the townspeople below:
“When you’re a star, they let you do it! You can do anything!”
But the townspeople weren’t having any of it. They laid straw at the base of LOSER Tower and torched it. And John McCain got in an old World War I airplane and started buzzing around Orange Kong and shooting at him.
And then the LOSER sign at the top of LOSER Tower caught fire and toppled into the crowd below.
And then Orange Kong fell too. As he plummeted 58 stories, I heard him cry:
“This system is RI-I-I-I-I-I-GGED!!! BELIE-EE-EE-EE-EEVE ME-E-E-E-EE!!!”
By the way, I don’t know what happened to Rosie O’Donnell. I seem to remember something about her and Megyn Kelly on the sidewalk, holding a tape measure next to a splattered Orange Kong, laughing at the size of his hands.
That’s my dream, Dr. Phil. I’m so confused! I looked up dreams on my google machine and here’s what I read:
“Freud argues that dreams are wish-fulfillments, and will ultimately argue that those wishes are the result of repressed or frustrated sexual desires.”
Who’s this guy Freud and why would he say something like that?! I guarantee there’s no problem, I guarantee.
Anyway, Dr. Phil, can you explain my dream to me? Did John McCain ever fly a World War I airplane? Is Rosie O’Donnell really friends with Megyn Kelly?
And who invented Orange Frankenstein?
P.S. Please send me a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TV doctor. He likes you even better than Dr. Oz.