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Sunday, October 02, 2016

Secretary Hillary Clinton

Hillary for America 
Post Office Box 5256 
New York, NY 10185-5256

 

Dear Miss Hillary,

 

Dude!  I was over at my girl friend’s last night and she’s like: “Dude!  Are you friends with Hillary Clinton?”

 

And I’m like: “No, dude.  Why do you ask?”

 

And she’s like: “There’s a tape where she’s talking about you.”

 

And I’m like: “No way!”

 

And she’s like: “Way!  She was talking about the Berniestas and here’s what she said:

 

‘Some are new to politics completely. They’re children of the Great Recession. And they are living in their parents’ basement.’ ”

 

And I’m like: “Dude!  That’s not me!  My parents kicked me out weeks ago!  I’m living in your apartment now!”

 

And she’s like: “I know, dude.  And the clock is ticking.”

 

And I’m like: “Just chill, dude!  There’s a Starbuck’s job opening up and I was thinking about maybe, like, applying for it?”

 

And she’s like: “See, dude?  She does know you!  Here’s what else she said:

 

‘And so if you’re feeling like you’re consigned to, you know, being a barista, or you know, some other job that doesn’t pay a lot, and doesn’t have some other ladder of opportunity attached to it, then the idea that maybe, just maybe, you could be part of a political revolution is pretty appealing.’ ”

 

And I was like: “Dude!  She’s right!  That’s why I’m voting for Bernie!”

 

And she’s like: “Dude!  Bernie lost!  He doesn’t even want you to vote for him.”

 

And I’m like: “Oh, ok.  I guess I’ll vote for that Gary Johnson dude then.”

 

And she’s all: “Gary Johnson?!  That’s the dude who doesn’t even know what Aleppo is!  He’s the dude who can’t name a single foreign leader he likes!”

 

And I’m all: “I don’t know what a leppo is either!  And I don’t know any foreign leaders except that Trudeau dude.  And he’s not foreign—he’s from Canada.  Besides, Gary Johnson wants to legalize weed.”

 

And she’s all: “Awesome, dude!  Go ahead and smoke all the legal weed you want while Gary Johnson is deregulating the oil companies, and defunding the clean energy companies, and taking away the health care Obama gave you, and letting every loony tunes at every Wal Mart have an automatic weapon, and making it impossible for you to get a college education because tuition is so high!”

 

And I’m like: “Dude!  It’s impossible for me to get a college education because I’m so high!”

 

And my girl friend’s like: “Dude!  Before, everybody was like: ‘I wanna have a beer with President Bush.’  And now you’re all like, ‘I wanna smoke a joint with Gary Johnson!.’  Well go ahead and smoke a joint with him!  But whatever you do, don’t vote for the dude!  If you vote for Gary Johnson, do you know who you’re really voting for?”

 

And I’m like: “Um…Gary Johnson?”

 

And she’s like: “No, dude!  A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for The Orange Voldemort!  A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for The Donald of Doom!  A vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for the most bigoted, woman-hating, sociopathic, dangerous, delusional, lunatic, shyster to ever squash a city with his Gucci shoes!  And a vote for Gary Johnson is a vote to give Trumpzilla a blank check to grind his Guccis into the entire planet!”

 

And I’m like: “Dude!  That’s harsh!”

 

And she’s like: “Right, dude!  That’s really harsh!  And do you know the one way to stop Donaldsaurus Wrecks?”

 

And I’m like: “Um… Vote for Jill Stein?”

 

And she’s like: “No, dude!  You have to vote for Hillary.”

 

And I’m like:  Hillary?!  But she reminds me of my mother!”

 

And she’s like:  “Brad, your mother made you eat your vegetables and do your homework.  Your mother only let you watch an hour of TV a night.”

 

And I’m like: “I know, dude.  That’s my point.”

 

And she’s all: “Sometimes mother knows best.  Besides, this mother will try her best to protect the ocean you like to surf in and the air you like to breathe and the planet you like to live on.  This mother will let you keep your health insurance and make sure you don’t need it to patch up the holes that some Charles Manson shot you full of with his AK-47.  This mother will try to make college affordable.  If you ever go to college.”

 

And I’m like: “Ok.  But I still don’t want to smoke a joint with her.”

 

And she’s like: “And she probably doesn’t want to smoke a joint with you either, dude.”

 

And then Miss Hillary, my girl friend told me something else.  She said that after you talked about me living in a basement and being a barista, you said this:

 

So I think we should all be really understanding of that and should try to do the best we can not to be, you know, a wet blanket on idealism. We want people to be idealistic. We want them to set big goals. But to take what we can achieve now and try to present them as bigger goals.”

 

Dude!  You really do sound like my mother! 

 

I have a question:

 

If my girl friend kicks me out, can I sleep in your basement for a while? 

 

That would be epic!

 

Rock on!

 

Brad Cahoon

 

 

 
 
 
 
 


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