Mr. Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. TRUMP,
I can’t keep up!
I just got home from the Annual Grocer’s Convention in Carney, Nebraska. I was planning to write you a letter congratulating you on your HUGE win at the debate, but that’s so last Monday!
I was going to tell you not to listen to the Liberal Media and the phony polls and your advisors who want you to prepare next time.
I was going to tell you how the debate was like when Mike Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear. Remember that? The refs and the fans and the Liberal Media all said Holyfield won. But here’s the bottom line:
Who walked out of the ring with Holyfield’s ear in his mouth?
I had a scientific scoring system set up that proved you won. I had categories like:
NUMBER OF INTERRUPTIONS (You-51, Hillary-17)
NUMBER OF “MISSTATEMENTS” (Too many to count. They went by too fast! It was trying to hit a swarm of mosquitoes with a baseball bat!)
NUMBER OF RETWEETS OF YOUR TWEET SAYING GLOBAL WARMING IS A CHINESE HOAX (82,000 and counting)
VOLUME LEVEL (You crushed even though your microphone wasn’t working.)
INSULTS TO WOMEN (Hillary plagiarized you the way Melania plagiarized Michelle Obama! She used all your words like “pig,” “slob,” “dog,” “Miss Piggy,” and “Miss Housekeeping.” But for once in her life, Hillary was transparent. She even admitted you used those words first!)
By my scientific scoring system, I had you ahead 64-12, but then something strange happened: You decided to go into Sudden Death Overtime!
It all started on Tuesday morning when you were talking about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, aka Miss Piggy, aka Miss Housekeeping, and you said this:
“She was impossible. She was the winner, and you know she gained a massive amount of weight, and it was a real problem.”
GO-O-O-OAL!!! Score 10 more INSULTS TO WOMEN points for Mr. TRUMP!
I have a question:
Is Melania a sound sleeper?
The reason I ask is my wife, Viola, is a really light sleeper. She hears everything! If I so much as scratch an itch, Viola is up for the rest of the night. I hope you went in another room when you sent off that tweet storm at 5:00 this morning because if you were clicking your iPhone in bed, Melania’s going to have some bags under her eyes today, and she might slip from a 10 to a 9!
First you said this:
“Wow, Crooked Hillary was duped and used by my worst Miss U. Hillary floated her as an "angel" without checking her past, which is terrible!”
“Using Alicia M in the debate as a paragon of virtue just shows that Crooked Hillary suffers from BAD JUDGEMENT! Hillary was set up by a con.”
“Did Crooked Hillary help disgusting (check out sex tape and past) Alicia M become a U.S. citizen so she could use her in the debate?”
I have another question:
Where can I get that sex tape?
Also, did you go in another room to watch it or did Melania sleep through it while you watched it in bed? She might be a light sleeper but she’s probably used to sleeping through that sort of thing.
Anyway, just because you crushed Crooked Hillary in the debate and you lit up the scoreboard in the INSULTS TO WOMEN event, that’s no reason to spike the ball in the end zone! Show some humility, Mr. TRUMP! Just because you can throw out more insults than Joan Rivers at a Weight Watchers convention doesn’t mean you should show off about it!
Besides, you have to save some of your insults for Latinos!
P.S. Speaking of Latinos, I hear your company spent over $68,000 in Cuba, looking to invest there while there was an embargo going on. “That’s called business, by the way.”
P.P.S. Speaking of business, I hear your foundation used funds to pay off lawsuits and to commission a giant painting of you and now you’re getting investigated because the foundation didn’t get certified to solicit money and….Wait! What’s this?
HEADLINE: “TRUMP CAMPAIGN TALKING POINTS: BRING UP MONICA LEWINSKY!”
There you go again, Mr. TRUMP! Running up the score!
P.P.P.S. Please send me an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite insult artist. He likes you even better than Don Rickles!