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Monday, September 19, 2016

Gary Johnson
PO Box 4422

Salt Lake City, UT 84110-4422

 

Dear Mr. Johnson,

 

Dude!  My girl friend told me they’re having elections this year!  I think I might vote for you! 

 

If I vote.  When’s the elections?

 

I heard you’re a rock climber!  I’m a surfer which is sort of the same only different.  My girl friend said you even climbed Mt. Everest! That would be like me surfing Mavericks!  No way, dude!  Mavericks is too gnarly for me!

 

But if I did surf Mavericks I wouldn’t leave my tent and candy bar wrappers and crap in the middle of the ocean.  Did you leave your tent and candy bar wrappers and crap on Everest?  I hear there’s a lot of trash up there and it freezes so it never goes away.  I hear there’s frozen dead bodies up there too.  Dude!  That’s harsh!

 

I do pee in the ocean sometimes but I think that’s okay.

 

Can you picture that Trump dude or that Hillary lady trying to climb Everest?  The only way that Trump dude could do it is if he had six sherpas carry him on a gold plated litter, but even then he’d have to quit ‘cause he couldn’t call out for Big Mac and Fries.

 

And ever since that Hillary lady did a face plant on 9-11, she looks like she should be in the hospital, not on Mt. Everest!

 

That’s why I’m voting for you, Gary Johnson!  If I vote.

 

My girlfriend says if I vote for you it’ll help that Trump dude get elected.  If you lose, do all your votes go to the Trump dude or what?  Besides, so what if Trump wins?  He and Hillary are both sort of the same, right?  They’re both old and she reminds me of my mother and he’s a douche bag.

 

My girlfriend says you’re a Libertarian.  I asked her what’s a Libertarian and she said, “A Libertarian is someone who everybody agrees with half the time.” 

 

I asked her what I would agree with you on and she said you want to legalize pot.  Dude!  If you legalize pot, I’ll be stoned half the time and maybe that’ll be the half when you say something I disagree with, so it won’t matter.

 

Sorry, dude.  It’s gonna be a long time before you’re president and you legalize pot, so I thought I shouldn’t wait.

 

Did you ever find out what a lepo is?  My girl friend said they asked you on some news quiz show and you couldn’t answer.  I googled it and here’s what it said:

 

Lepo lepo is a brazilian term for sex, generally used by older people:  C'mon let's do lepo lepo.

 

You’re welcome, buddy!  Now when those tricky news guys ask you what’s a lepo, you’ll be ready!

 

I bet that Bill dude that’s married to that Hillary lady knows what a lepo is!  And she must know too because she’s old and she’s married to him.  But like I said, she reminds me of my mother so I don’t want to think about it.

 

Anyway, my girlfriend asked me if I ever heard of Ralph Nader.  I said, “Isn’t he the dude who’s always suing somebody ‘cause their cars aren’t safe or their water isn’t clean?”

 

She said, “Right.  He’s also the guy who ran for president when he had no chance of winning and siphoned off enough votes from Al Gore so George W. Bush could steal the presidency.”  Then she said:

 

“George W. Bush was the worst excuse for a president we’ve ever had.  And if ‘that Trump dude’ gets elected, he’ll make Bush look like George Washington!”

 

My girlfriend’s really smart! 

 

So now she’s got me thinking.  I don’t want that Trump dude to be president and my girlfriend says you don’t have a chance.

 

Maybe I’ll vote for Jill Stein.

 

Rock on!

 

Brad Cahoon

 

 
 
 
 
 


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