Mr. David Bossie, President

Citizens United
1006 Pennsylvania Ave SE
Washington, DC 20003

Dear Mr. Bossie,

Well, it’s about time!  What took Mr. TRUMP so long to hire you?

POP QUIZ:

Match the following statements about you with the person who said it:

1.    "Here the two men burst into the sick man's room, and began questioning the shaken mother about her daughter's suicide."

2.    "A chastened Bossie later told friends that the CBS story had made his grandmother cry."

3.    "Not since Roy Cohn -- the bare-knuckled chief counsel for Sen. Joe McCarthy in the Red-hunting hearings of the 1950s -- has a congressional staffer been so thoroughly demonized by his enemies."

4.    "I’m embarrassed ... at the circus that went on at your committee."

5.    "…the kind of sleaze that diminishes the political process."

6.    "Solid. Smart. Loves politics, knows how to win."

a.    Eric Engberg in a CBS report about your attempt to pin Susan Coleman’s suicide on Bill Clinton.

b.    Lloyd Grove in a Washington Post article about Engberg’s report.

c.     The congressional committee investigating Bill Clinton’s campaign finances which also mentioned your “unrelenting, self-promoting actions.”

d.    Newt Gingrich

e.    George H. W. Bush

f.      Mr. TRUMP

Answers: 1a, 2b, 3c, 4d, 5e, 6f

No wonder Mr. TRUMP is behind!  If he had hired you three months ago, Bill would be taking DNA tests for fathering Beyonce’s baby and Hillary would be in jail for the Manson murders!

Don’t get smug, Mr. Bossie!  We have some catching up to do!  Just because the Supreme Court said a person named Citizens United is allowed to fund and broadcast “Hillary: The Movie” doesn’t mean we’ve made it to the finish line!    “Hillary: The Movie” is so 2008!  It’s time for:

“Hillary: The Sequel”

I know, I know!  You’re saying, “But Carl, the sequel is never as good as the original.”

That’s your problem, Mr. Bossie!  You don’t think HUGE!  If you’re going to work for Mr. TRUMP, you’re going to have to start thinking HUGE!                                                                              

Think: Godfather II.  Think: Terminator II.  Think: Young Frankenstein.

You see?  Those movies were great because they started from a made up story and then they made up even more stuff that was even more amazing than the original!  Use your imagination!  Make stuff up!  Here are just a few ideas:

--Is the speculation true that Hillary’s persistent cough is due to accidentally breathing the mustard gas she was manufacturing to wipe out New York City?

--There are unsubstantiated rumors that Hillary is actually a hermaphrodite.  Revealing photos of her pantsuit seem to confirm these suspicions.  (Show close-up of pantsuit.  Photo shop appropriately.)

--Newly uncovered emails seem to suggest that the Clinton Foundation made illegal donations to the TRUMP campaign in an effort to sway the Republican primary toward the candidate they perceived as their weakest opponent.  “No person with half a brain would vote for that maniac,” said an unnamed source.

These are just a few innocent little hit pieces.  But I know you can do much better than that.  I’m just a neighborhood grocer—you’re the pro! But if you get stuck for ideas, call your friend, Citizens United.  He’s really good at making stuff up!  Maybe he can help.  

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Question: What do Don Corleone, the Terminator, Frankenstein, and Citizens United have in common?

Answer:  They’re all people!

P.P.S.  Could you please send me a photo?  Autographed?  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite political hit man.  He likes you even better than Roy Cohn!

P.P.P.S.  Speaking of Roy Cohn, guess whose lawyer he was after Joe McCarthy.  Hint:  It starts with a T.

P.P.P.P.S.  What’s Citizens United’s middle name?