Dr. David Duke                                                                         (physical address unknown)

Dear Dr. Duke,

My apologies for sending this letter by email.  I couldn’t find your mailing address anywhere on my google machine!  I’m like you—I’m old school!  Let’s go back to a time when America was great, when we sent letters by mail and could hold them in our hands!

Let’s go back to the good old days when Andy took Opie fishing in Mayberry, and everybody knew everybody in town, and everybody knew which bathroom to use and which swimming pool to swim in, and we said Christian prayers in our schools asking our Lord that He keep all the blacks out!  Jews too! 

Except for Jesus.  I guess He could swim in our pool if He wanted to.

Or walk on it.

POP QUIZ: What do you and Ben Carson have in common? 

ANSWER: You’re both doctors!  Ben Carson is a brain surgeon and you have a doctorate in history from some private university in Ukraine. You know—the one those Jews over at the Anti-Defamation League called a “University of Hate.”  

If I needed brain surgery (and my wife Viola says I do) I’d rather you operate on me than Ben Carson.  That’s because your doctoral thesis was called “Zionism as a Form of Ethnic Supremacism,” so you know all about scrambled brains!

Besides, there’s something about Ben Carson I don’t like and I think you know what it is.  He reminds me of that other guy who ran for president—that Godfather’s Pizza guy who sang the Pokemon song.  I think his name was Herman Cain and there was something about him I didn’t like either. 

Speaking of the Ukraine, we’re in big trouble and I think you know what I’m talking about!  Right now, Mr. TRUMP is way behind!  You’ve been pulling your weight!  You’re “defending the rights of European Americans” by running for Senator in Louisiana, and we’ve got the Old White Guy vote sewed up there!

But here’s the problem:  Mr. TRUMP is only pulling 2% of the black vote!  I don’t get what’s wrong with these people!  Besides their jobs, their homes, their families, their freedom, and their lives, what the hell do they have to lose?”

Here’s where you come in, Dr. Duke.  You’re pulling in 14% of the black vote!   What’s your secret?  What makes 14% of blacks love you when only 2% love Mr. TRUMP?  Is it because you proved you’re a great leader when you were Grand Wizard of the KKK?

Is it because you don’t wear a Nazi uniform anymore and you don’t wear white sheets anymore and you’re the founder of the NAACP?

WhoopS!  Sorry!  That’s NAAWP—National Association for the Advancement of White People!

Maybe blacks like you better because you leave them alone.  Here’s what your campaign manager said about you in 1990:

"The Jews just aren't a big issue in Louisiana. We keep telling David, stick to attacking the blacks. There's no point in going after the Jews, you just piss them off and nobody here cares about them anyway."

It just shows how wrong campaign managers can be!  If you had stuck to only attacking the blacks, do you think you’d have 14% of them voting for you now? 

I hope they have proper voter ID!

Anyway, whatever mojo you have with blacks, I hope you can rub a little of it off on Mr. TRUMP.  He needs it!  Tell him to go after the Jews instead!  I don’t think he’s insulted them yet. 

Sincerely,                                                                                     Carl Estrada                                                                                                             P.S.  POP QUIZ #2: Name one difference between you and Mr. TRUMP (Hint: it’s not 10 billion dollars):

ANSWER: Mr. TRUMP hasn’t gone to jail yet for “bilking his supporters and cheating on his taxes.”  Maybe if you had 10 billion dollars you wouldn’t have had to go to jail either!

P.P.S.  Will you please send a picture?  Autographed?  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite racist.  He likes you even better than George Wallace!