Mr. Stephen Bannon,
Chief Campaign Strategist
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. Bannon,
I just want to be the first to say:
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Carl Estrada and I’ve been advising Mr. TRUMP for quite some time now. In fact, I’m the only TRUMP advisor who hasn’t been fired yet!
Far be it for me to tell you how to run Mr. TRUMP’s campaign, Mr. Bannon. You’re the master! I’ve been following you at Breitbart News for years and I’m your biggest fan! I’ve seen your work more times than I’ve seen the front page of National Enquirer at the Safeway checkout line.
But even though you’re the pro and I’m just a neighborhood grocer, this is no time to let our egos get in the way! Mr. TRUMP is in trouble and it’s time for all hands on deck! We all have to work together, so please listen to what I have to say! I’ve devised a 7-Day Plan that, if our candidate follows it to the letter, we will save the presidency, save the nation, and “let TRUMP be TRUMP!” Here it is:
Day 1: Breitbart News runs a story saying there’s a buzz that Crooked Hillary has contracted the Zika virus.
Day 2: Mr. TRUMP capitalizes on yesterday’s news by saying at a rally in Scowhegan, Maine: “Crooked Hillary isn’t fit to be president! Not fit! She doesn’t have the stamina. She falls down a lot. Have you seen that clip where she almost fell down? Does she have Zika virus? Does she have Parkinson’s? Did she have a stroke? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m just saying she has a lot of questions to answer. Lots of questions.”
Day 3: Breitbart News runs a follow-up story citing unnamed sources close to the Clinton team who claim Crooked Hillary contracted the Zika virus while having unprotected sex with a female Olympic wrestler at an undisclosed location at the
very moment Mr. TRUMP was sacrificing as much as the Iraq war veterans by traveling to Baton Rouge to get his picture taken with flood victims.
Day 4: Before a capacity crowd in Acworth, New Hampshire, Mr. TRUMP doubles down on his claim that Crooked Hillary is physically unfit to be president when he says: “Now they’re saying she contracted Zika from a female Olympic wrestler! You tell me! I don’t know. How the hell do I know if Crooked Hillary has Zika? Maybe she has AIDS. All I know is it doesn’t add up. Doesn’t add up.”
Day 5: Breitbart News continues its investigation by citing an unnamed source who says the female Olympic wrestler who gave Crooked Hillary the Zika virus contracted it from former president, Bill Clinton. There are also unsubstantiated rumors that Mr. Clinton gave the wrestler AIDS as well, which it is speculated he may have contracted in the 1980s when he is said to have hung out at the Playboy Mansion with Bill Cosby and may have participated with Mr. Cosby in his favorite pastime of drugging women for sex.
Day 6: Mr. TRUMP alludes to the headlines at a fund raiser in Woonsocket, Rhode Island where he simply says: “There have been so many stories about Crooked Hillary and Bill, I don’t know what to believe! If half of what I hear is true, she should be locked up!” At this point, Mr. TRUMP should appear to try to quiet the crowd as they chant, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”
Day 7: People are getting tired of the Zika story, so Breitbart News should begin a new line of attack based on whispers that Crooked Hillary is an alien invader from Mars who plans to rule the world with her army of Black Muslim Amazon women whose mission is to castrate all males over 14 except Bill Clinton so he can have all the women to himself.
If Mr. TRUMP follows up on the Black Muslim Amazon women story using the same methods as the Zika virus story, we will dominate the news cycle for another week!
Mr. Bannon, I’m sure you’ve thought of all these ideas yourself and you’re probably saying, “But Carl, I’ve already advised Mr. TRUMP to do exactly that!” I know, I know! I don’t care who gets the credit. Feel free to plagiarize my ideas faster than you can say “Ivanka Trump!”
This is bigger than both of us! The presidency is at stake! Just make sure you stick to my 7-Day Plan! If Mr. TRUMP can stay on message, the presidency will be ours!
P.S. Was it your idea for Mr. TRUMP to go to a white people’s rally and tell black voters to vote for him because:
"You're living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58% of your youth is unemployed -- what the hell do you have to lose?"
Brilliant! This is why I’m just a neighborhood grocer and they pay you the big bucks! We’re only getting 1% of the black vote! What the hell do we have to lose?
P.P.S. Is Mr. TRUMP going to buy his own television network? I think he should. It worked for Berlusconi, it’ll work for him too!
P.P.P.S. Please send me a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite political operator! He likes you even better than Roger Ailes!