Secretary Hillary Clinton
Hillary for America
Post Office Box 5256
New York, NY 10185-5256
Dear Secretary Clinton,
There’s something about you I don’t like and I just can’t put my finger on it.
Maybe it’s your voice. I don’t like it when you scream. I know Mr. TRUMP has a loud voice but his is more of a manly bellow. I don’t want you to have a manly bellow either, but I wish you would talk softer. When you scream, you remind me of my mother when I got caught putting maggots in my sister’s oatmeal.
Maybe it’s how you bulge your eyes. I don’t like it when you open your eyes really wide. Mr. TRUMP has little slits for eyes. He gets that look like he just missed a putt and he has to fire his Mexican groundskeeper because he didn’t cut the grass short enough so it’s all his fault. Mr. TRUMP’s slitted eyes project power like a coiled rattlesnake. But I wouldn’t want you to slit your eyes. You’d look mean like my mother looked just because dad came home drunk.
But don’t bulge your eyes either. You look too excited.
Maybe it’s your hair. I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, what about Mr. TRUMP’s hair?” I admit, Mr. TRUMP’s hair looks like Elvis Meets Gorgeous George in a One Hour Motel Room in Vegas.
But here’s the difference. Mr. TRUMP has been wearing his hair that way for decades! You keep changing your hair! How can I trust you to be president when I never know what your hair is going to look like from one day to the next?
Maybe it’s because you’re so serious and practical and prepared. Sarah Silverman said you’re the only person who’s “overqualified” for the job of president. I’d rather have Mr. TRUMP be my president. The only thing he’s overqualified for is making up names for people. He’s really good at it! Did you hear that now he’s calling you Hillary “Rotten” Clinton? How does he come up with all that clever stuff?
Anyway, I don’t like you being so serious and practical and prepared. You remind me of my mother when she made me do my homework and eat my vegetables.
Maybe I don’t like you because you stuck by Bill Clinton when he had all those affairs. I wouldn’t have liked you if you had left him either. Haven’t you ever heard of loyalty? But you shouldn’t have stayed with him. It just shows how power hungry you are!
Mr. TRUMP has had lots of affairs and lots of wives and I can’t put my finger on it but somehow him messing around all his life is different from you standing by your man and trying to work it out when he messed around. It doesn’t seem presidential.
Maybe I don’t like you because you killed Ben Ghazi. What did poor Ben ever do to you? Mr. TRUMP said, “We kill people too.” But that was because he was standing up for his friend, Vladimir Putin. I think it’s admirable that Mr. TRUMP is such a loyal friend. Was Ben Ghazi a friend of yours? I think it’s terrible that you killed him, even if Congress couldn’t prove it.
Speaking of terrible things you’ve done that nobody could prove, what about Whitewater and Vince Foster and Travelgate and Emailgate? Everybody’s always accusing you of something but they can never prove a thing! It just shows how slippery you are! Where there’s smoke, there must be fire!
But I have to say, Secretary Clinton, you’re not going to get my vote. I’m with Mr. TRUMP. At least I know where he stands!
P.S. Could you please send a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my wife, Viola. She’s voting for you. She says she’d rather spend a night with Trey Gowdy than vote for Mr. TRUMP.
P.P.S. Make sure you send a photo where your hair looks okay.