Speaker Paul Ryan

1233 Longworth HOB
Washington, D.C. 20515

Dear Speaker Ryan,

Did you hear what Mr.TRUMP said now?  I’m not talking about when he said he always wanted to get a Purple Heart but getting one as a gift from a vet was “much easier.”

I’m not talking about when he said if his daughter were sexually harassed she could just “find another career or another company” and that sexual harassment has “got to be up to the individual.”

I’m not talking about when he said:

“Putin is not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down."

And I’m not talking about when he said this about the grieving Muslim vet’s mother:

“If you look at his wife, she was standing there. She had nothing to say. Maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. You tell me.”

No, no, no!  All that stuff is so yesterday!  I’m talking about when he said this:

"I like Paul, but these are horrible times for our country.  We need very strong leadership. We need very, very strong leadership. And I'm just not quite there yet. I'm not quite there yet."

This is plagiarism!  Since when is it okay for a presidential candidate to not endorse a congressman by copying almost word for word what that congressman said about him?  Remember when you said:

“I’m not there right now.”

You need to meet with Mr.TRUMP today and have an intervention!  This plagiarism has to stop!  It’s bringing down his campaign!

And while you’re there, could you please try a little harder to be nice to Mr. TRUMP?   You could start out by calling him by his real name.  When you bring him coffee and croissants on his airplane, don’t say, “Good morning, Mr. The Candidate.”   Say this—repeat after me:

Good morning, Mr.TRUMP.

You see?  That wasn’t so hard.  Practice it on the way to the intervention and you’ll be fine.

Another thing--stop contradicting him!  You know how much Mr.TRUMP hates to be contradicted.  When he insults the Gold Star families, don’t say:

“You do nothing but honor Gold Star families, and if anyone earned the right to say whatever they want, it is Gold Star families. I thought his comments were beyond the pale and I called it out. I don’t like doing this, but I will do this because I feel I have to.”

What kind of answer is that, Mr. Speaker?  Don’t you know Mr.TRUMP is the Republican candidate with the guts to finally say what we Republicans have been whispering for decades?  No wonder he won’t endorse you!  Stand on principle!  Here’s what you should say:

“Mr.TRUMP is an amazing American!  He’s an amazing American!  He’s going to make us safe!  Believe me! Believe me!  He’s going to make us safe!”

You see how easy it is?  Make a copy of that statement and tape it to your medicine cabinet so every time you look at yourself in the mirror you can see it! 

Whenever Mr.TRUMP insults Muslims and Mexicans and Gold Star Families and women and blacks and babies and disabled people and the media and everybody except Vladimir Putin, Saddam Hussein, and David Duke, just say it!  Repeat after me:

“Mr.TRUMP is an amazing American!  He’s an amazing American!  He’s going to make us safe!  Believe me! Believe me!  He’s going to make us safe!”

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S. Will you please send a photo of yourself?  Autographed?  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite Man of Principle.  He likes you even better than Mitch McConnell.

P.P.S. Did you hear that guy who’s running against you called you “Lyin’ Ryan”?  I wonder how he came up with that?

P.P.S. When you bring Mr. TRUMP his coffee and croissants, make sure you bring him his silverware.  I hear he hates to touch food with his bare hands.