Chairman, President, and CEO
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. TRUMP,
Sorry I missed the convention. How did it go?
I bet you’ll never guess why I couldn’t make it. It was my wife Viola’s fault.
I had my plane ticket to Cleveland, my bags were packed, and I even had my speech memorized so I wouldn’t have to worry about those stupid teleprompters. Then, the day before I was going to leave, my wife Viola and five of her friends pinned me down, tied me up, and locked me in the basement.
Viola said it was for my own good. She said if I got any more worked up over these elections, my brain would explode and she was already behind on her house cleaning. She said she’d let me out when both conventions were over.
Don’t worry. She fed me well. There’s a comfy sofa to sleep on and a bathroom with a shower. (I do have a two-week beard now because Viola thought it would be best to keep the razor blades upstairs.) I’ve gotten pretty good at foosball.
But I think I heard the main points in the conventions. I stood on a chair and held a vacuum tube up to the ceiling, and I could hear Viola and her friends upstairs yelling a lot and I was able to piece together the story. I heard them screaming words like “Megalomaniac!” and “Misogynist!” and “Racist” and “Bigot” and “Psychopath!” I also heard some words I never heard Viola say before but I can’t repeat them.
But the main point of the conventions is this:
You have to stop Crooked Hillary! Here’s why:
Did you know she’s good buddies with Vladimir Putin? It’s true! I was listening to Viola and her friends upstairs and I’m sure I heard them say that the Russians hacked the National Committee emails and Hillary was in cahoots with them. Here’s what I think Hillary said:
“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
This is treason! Can you imagine a presidential candidate being so slimy, so devious, so traitorous as to call for Russian espionage against America? No wonder you call her Crooked Hillary!
But that’s not all! I’m pretty sure I heard Viola’s friends talking about something else Hillary said:
“Putin has much better leadership qualities than Obama. I said he’s a better leader than Obama, because Obama’s not a leader, so he’s certainly doing a better job than Obama is, and that’s all.”
This is un-American! Since when is it ok to bash our president and compare him to a two-bit thug and brutal dictator? Anybody who says stuff like that should be deported!
Not only that, but didn’t Hillary say something about not supporting our NATO allies if they are invaded by Russia and they haven’t paid their bills? How irresponsible can you get?
I could go on and on, but you get the point, Mr. TRUMP. It is imperative that you win the election this fall! We can’t allow our country to fall into the hands of an egotistical, self-centered, uninformed snake oil salesperson!
It sounds like Hillary’s convention was a mess! I heard Viola tell her friends that the spouse plagiarized a speech. Leave it to Bill Clinton to steal somebody else’s words because he can’t think of his own. Shameless!
And wasn’t it Bernie who went off script and talked about his own agenda and wouldn’t even endorse Hillary? How humiliating that must have been for her!
I heard Viola say that not even any presidents would show up to endorse. I guess Obama got his feelings hurt because Hillary said Putin was a better leader than he was. But can you imagine what a snub it was to not even have any presidents from your own party support you?
Anyway, I might have a few details mixed up because my hearing isn’t very good anymore, especially when I’m standing on a chair and listening through a vacuum tube. But I’m sure I got the main points right and I’m convinced more than ever that you have to beat Crooked Hillary! Our country is at risk! Now I understand why they’re chanting: “Lock her up!”
Sincerely, Carl Estrada
P.S. Don’t forget to send that autographed photo to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite! He likes you even better than Putin!
P.P.S. Speaking of Putin, could you also send a photo of you and him together? Make sure you both really sign it. Don’t put it through one of those autograph machines. I can always tell a fake when I see one.