Chairman, President, and CEO
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. TRUMP,
Well, I promised you a convention speech and here it is!
What day would you like me to deliver it? Can I get a ride on your private plane? I live in a small town just north of Portland, Oregon. You could pick me up at the Portland airport. Just tell me where and when.
Also, I see that Christie, Pence, and “Newt” have been “auditioning” for the job as your vice-president. Please consider this speech as my audition. I think you will see that I can really help you with the Old White Guy vote.
P.S. I’m looking forward to meeting your family.
REPUBLICAN CONVENTION SPEECH
by Carl Estrada
My fellow Americans,
We are living in one of those rare moments when the tectonic plates of history are shifting, when fate hangs in the balance, when we approach a fork in the road that offers us two clear paths.
One path is the path of rationality and reason; the path of inclusiveness and love; the path of sober, mindful wisdom. On this path we think before we speak; we look before we leap. On this path we consider consequences, we nurture our fellow humans and our fragile planet, we follow the Golden Rule.
This path climbs the shining ladder of consciousness that we humans have been climbing since we stood on two feet; not climbing over one another but climbing alongside—reaching, reaching, for a better life; for a more actualized self, reaching for a…..
Oh hell! This is too damn hard! Let’s blow the whole damn thing up and see what happens! (pause for applause) I’m so tired of sharing this planet with 7 billion foreigners who don’t even speak English! They make me feel like I’m living on an ant farm! They want our jobs; they want our homes; they want to rape our women; they want to vote Democrat because they hate America and they know we’re Number One! (pause for applause)
I want to Make America Great Again! (pause for applause) Remember the Marlboro Man? That’s the America I know and love! (pause for applause) The Marlboro Man was tough! The Marlboro Man was rugged! The Marlboro Man rode his horse with the wind of “The Magnificent Seven” theme song at his back, blowing him heroically into the sunset!
The Marlboro Man looked just like me. Well, maybe not exactly like me. He was a rough, tough cowboy and I’m just a neighborhood grocer. I never rode a horse (pause) but Ronald Reagan did! (Pause for huge applause. Nod your head knowingly.) The Marlboro Man’s skin was a lot more weather beaten and craggy than mine, but still there was something about his skin that reminded me of me.
Also, the Marlboro Man died of cancer.
But, ladies and gentlemen, tonight I’m here to tell you America is not dying of cancer! (pause for applause) Even if we have smoked way too many cigarettes! (chuckle, pause for applause)
The point is, we will smoke as many cigarettes as we please because THIS IS AMERICA! (pause for applause)
We will carry as many assault weapons as we please because THIS IS AMERICA! (pause for applause)
We will pour as much carbon in the air as we please because (wave arms and lead the chant) THIS…IS…AMERICA! (pause for huge applause)
Speaking of carbon, to the socialist tree huggers who claim that the oil companies are using the same advertising strategy to deny global warming as the tobacco companies used to deny the link between cigarettes and cancer, I ask you this:
Where’s the Marlboro Man? Have you seen one cowboy in any of Exxon’s ads? Everybody knows that Exxon ads show tough guys on oil rigs! Not cowboys! (pause for applause)
Also, Exxon and BP have nice ladies narrating their ads! Not cowboys! (Pause for applause) That’s the trouble with the liberals! They just don’t think these things through! (pause for huge applause)
Speaking of thinking things through, sixteen years ago I thought America was on the right track again. We elected one of ours when we elected George W. Bush. (wait for smattering of applause) He was My President and I loved Him more than life itself! Remember when He said:
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
And we didn’t! My President killed Saddam, The Evil Dictator, and guess what? Now all of Iraq’s WMDs are gone! (pause for applause)
And so are their buildings, people, and government! (pause for applause)
My President started wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and guess what? Obama couldn’t finish them! (pause for boos)
It’s like Colin Powell told My President: “You break it, President Obama owns it.” But Obama couldn’t clean up any of the messes My President made! Remember when My President said:
“I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression."
And He wasn’t! When My President left the White House, America was only in the second worst financial crisis since the Great Depression! (pause for applause)
And what did Obama do? He made the unemployment rate go up! That’s right! When My President left office, unemployment was at 7.8%, and in the first year Obama took over, it went up to 9.8%! He had a whole year to turn the train around and it took him four! (pause for boos)
Of course, we’re at 4.7% now, but that’s only because we Republicans voted to repeal Obamacare more than 60 times! (pause for applause)
That’s only because we Republicans voted to rename the New Mississippi River Bridge the Stan Musial Veterans Memorial Bridge! (pause for applause)
That’s only because we Republicans voted to amend the National Baseball Hall of Fame Commemorative Coin Act requiring the gold and silver coins to be struck on planchets of specified diameters. (pause for applause)
And we Republicans, led by our next president, Donald J. Trump, stopped the Kenyan Muslim Fascist Socialist pretender to the presidency in his tracks by forcing him to release his phony birth certificate! (pause for huge applause)
The genius of Mr. Trump is he asks the questions that no one thinks to ask like:
“Why doesn’t he show his birth certificate? I’m starting to think he wasn’t born here.”
If Mr. Trump hadn’t had the vision, how would we ever have learned the truth?
And Obama proved Mr. Trump’s point when he said at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner:
“No one is happier, no one is prouder, to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing?”
You see? If Obama was born in America, he would know we didn’t fake the moon landing! The only thing that got faked during that time was Elvis dying.
I know Elvis is still alive because he was spotted just last week in Carney, Nebraska. He was disguised as an Elvis impersonator, which was a pretty clever bit of jujitsu!
He was singing all his old hits at the county fair, and when he sang, “Hound Dog,” he blew on a dog whistle and out came a whole pack of dogs! A dog whistle is a whistle that has a frequency that humans can’t hear but dogs can. Elvis would blow on that dog whistle and those dogs would do all kinds of tricks. He’d blow on the dog whistle and they’d jump through hoops.
Then he’d set it to a different pitch and the dogs would play dead.
Then Elvis reset the dog whistle again and all of a sudden, those dogs were acting like they had rabies and started attacking people in the crowd. A black guy, a gay guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim had to be taken to the hospital. A bunch of women got bit too.
Speaking of rock stars with dog whistles, how ‘bout our next president, Mr. Donald J. Trump? (pause for huge applause, foot stomping, standing ovation)
Donald Trump is a self-made man who turned a million dollar loan from his dad into an undisclosed amount of money! (pause for huge applause)
Donald Trump is a generous man who has contributed amazing undisclosed amounts of money to his son’s charity! (pause for huge applause)
Donald Trump is an amazing patriot who not only served his country in military school but for years has paid the United States Treasury a phenomenal undisclosed amount of money! (pause for huge applause)
Donald Trump is an incredible employer who has created thousands of jobs and paid lots of his employees too! (pause for huge applause)
Donald Trump is the founder of Trump University which was so successful that New York’s attorney general jealously called it a “classic bait and switch scheme.” (pause for huge applause)
By the way, Trump University is one of 3500 lawsuits Mr. Trump has fought in his career. Nothing says $UCCE$$ like serial lawsuits! And what could better prepare a president to go toe to toe with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un? (pause for huge applause)
Speaking of dictators, let’s talk foreign policy. Mr. Trump knows how to get along with dictators because he understands them! He said he’d “get along very well” with Putin. Listen to what else Mr. Trump said about Putin:
"He's running his country and at least he's a leader, unlike what we have in this country. I think our country does plenty of killing also." (pause for applause)
Here’s what he said about Kim Jong Un:
“You gotta give him credit. This guy doesn’t play games.”
And you gotta give Saddam Hussein some credit too. Here’s what Mr. Trump said about him:
"He was a bad guy -- really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good.”
You see? Donald Trump understands these thugs! That’s why we need him to be our next president of the United States! (pause for thunderous applause)
But enough wonky foreign policy stuff. We’ll let Mr. Trump figure it out. Let’s talk about….
Women! (pause for thunderous applause)
I don’t mean the fat pigs, dogs, slobs, or disgusting animals. I’m talking about real women. The kind we love. The kind we want to marry. But wait…why should you listen to some old white guy talking about them. Let’s hear some advice from Mr. Trump himself on things to consider when writing a pre-nuptial agreement:
“There are basically three types of women and reactions. One is the good woman who very much loves her future husband, solely for himself, but refuses to sign the agreement on principle. I fully understand this, but the man should take a pass anyway and find someone else. The other is the calculating woman who refuses to sign the prenuptial agreement because she is expecting to take advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sucker she’s got in her grasp. There is also the woman who will openly and quickly sign a prenuptial agreement in order to make a quick hit and take the money given to her.”
And Donald Trump has the experience to know about all three types of women because no other candidate in the history of the United States has been married three times! (pause for thunderous applause)
Speaking of women, I’d like to take a moment to address our candidate’s core constituency: Old White Guys.
Men, I know you will do your civic duty and vote. But you must do more than that because, as we know, we can’t do it alone. We need your wive’s votes too!
Now, I know a lot of you fill in the ballots for your wives, but for those of you who allow your wives to fill out their own ballots, I have a few rules to remember:
1. Thanksgiving is too late! If you are waiting to get in a drunken argument with your liberal nephew over Thanksgiving dinner, you can kiss a Donald Trump presidency goodbye! We vote the first week of November! Start those drunken arguments now!
2. Keep your TV tuned to FOX News 24 hours a day, especially when you’re sleeping! Don’t allow your wife to change the channel, even if she innocently claims to want to watch “Days of Our Lives.” (You might make an exception for reruns of “The Apprentice.”)
3. Install an indoor surveillance camera. That way you can monitor your wife when you’re not home and make sure she’s not sneaking a peak at Rachel Maddow.
If you follow these simple instructions, we can once again Make America Great Again for Old White Guys!
(shout over roaring crescendo of the crowd)
BRING BACK RONALD REAGAN!
BRING BACK GEORGE W. BUSH!
BRING BACK THE MARLBORO MAN!
BRING BACK OLD WHITE GUYS!
BRING IN………DONALD J. TRUMP!!! THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!!