Governor Chris Christie
Office of the Governor
PO Box 001
Trenton, NJ 08625
Dear Governor Christie,
There is evil lurking at your door! Betrayal is afoot! Beware of the long knives! I have just two words for you and here they are:
Just last week we all knew you were a shoe-in for the job as Mr. TRUMP’s vice-president. But now “Newt” is getting much too cozy with Mr. TRUMP! Answer me this: When was the last time Mr. TRUMP made you go out for sandwiches? When was the last time you helped Mr. TRUMP with his coat?
When was the last time Mr. TRUMP told you to mow his lawn?
You see? There’s a new guy in town, his name is “Newt,” and he wants your job! He’s not only carrying Mr. TRUMP’s suitcases—he’s giving him advice!
Did you hear what he said? He called Mr. TRUMP a “gifted amateur” and said he’s “learning very, very fast.”
This is trouble! If you called Mr. TRUMP a gifted amateur, you’d be back pushing papers in your New Jersey governor’s office faster than you can say, “George Washington Bridge!”
Speaking of the George Washington Bridge, what’s your favorite TV show? Mine is The Sopranos, and Tony Soprano is my favorite TV character of all time! Don’t you love it when he says, “What d’ya gonna do?” He always reminds me of somebody but I can never put my finger on who.
Anyway, my favorite episode was when he closed the George Washington Bridge. Remember that? Tony got really mad at a gang rival on the other side of the bridge so he made his guys set up road blocks so nobody could get through. You wouldn’t believe the mess it caused! Emergency vehicles were blocked! Kids couldn’t get to school! One woman died! All because Tony Soprano had a grudge!
Haha! That Tony Soprano sure was a funny guy, wasn’t he?
My wife Viola says I’ve got it all wrong. She says the George Washington Bridge never got blocked on the Sopranos—she says I saw it on the news. But I’m sure it happened on the Sopranos. I think it was Season 4.
Besides, I explained to Viola it couldn’t have happened on the news because Tony Soprano isn’t a real person—he’s just a made up guy on a TV show. Everybody knows that!
Anyway, you’d better keep your eye out for “Newt.” He’s a crafty S.O.B. and he can help Mr. TRUMP with the OWGs!
You’d better hurry up and fetch Mr. TRUMP some doughnuts!
P.S. OWG stands for Old White Guy.
P.P.S. S.O.B. stands for Spouse Of a Birder. That’s me. My wife Viola likes to watch birds. I like to watch The Sopranos.
P.P.P.S. Could you send me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite tough guy. He likes you even better than Whitey Bulger!