Mr. Newton L. “Newt” Gingrich
4501 North Fairfax Drive
Arlington, VA 22203
Relive the magic!
Who would have thought back in 1996 when you were busy shutting down the government, and back in ‘97 when you were being reprimanded by the House of Representatives for ethics violations, and back in ’98 when you were getting frog marched out of the House, who would have thought when you were having an affair with your second wife while your first wife was in the hospital with cancer, and who would have thought that while you were leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton for having an affair while you were married to your second wife and having an affair with your future third wife, that today I’d be writing to congratulate you on being chosen by Mr. TRUMP to be his vice-president?!
I know, I know—it’s not official yet. But here’s what Mr. TRUMP said:
"Newt has been my friend for a long time. And I'm not saying anything, and I'm not telling even Newt anything, but I can tell you, in one form or another, Newt Gingrich is going to be involved with our government. That I can tell you."
Here’s how I know you’re going to be Mr. TRUMP’s vice president: Whenever Mr. TRUMP says, “Believe me” more than three times, you know he’s pulling your leg. But when Mr. TRUMP says, “That I can tell you,” especially when he says it twice, you know he means business! And you, “Newt” Gingrich, are going to be Mr. TRUMP’s vice-president! That I can tell you! Believe me!
Another reason I know you’re going to be Mr. TRUMP’s vice-president is I’ve been advising him. I wrote him a letter just yesterday telling him he’s got to go after the Old White Guy (OWG) vote! And who could be better than you, “Newt” Gingrich, to get out the Old White Guys?
Okay, maybe Dick Cheney, but I don’t think he’s available. He’s had more heart surgeries than you’ve had marriages!
By the way, remember when Mr. TRUMP said Judge Curiel couldn’t be impartial because he’s a Mexican, and you said those were “the kinds of mistakes that amateurs make" ?
You see? That’s exactly why Mr. TRUMP needs a pro like you! You would never let him mention anything about Judge Curiel being Mexican! You would have just told him to send a tweet with a picture of Judge Curiel in front of a pile of money and a Star of David!
You gotta know how to play this game!
Speaking of playing this game and piles of money, when you’re vice-president, are you going to give up your lobbying job with Freddie Mac? You know, the mortgage company that paid you $1.6 million for being their “historian.” You can afford to leave them! You only ran up ½ million dollar tab at Tiffany’s for Calista’s jewelry. That still leaves you with more than a million.
Speaking of Calista, I hope you won’t work too hard at your new job. Remember when you were working so hard to impeach Bill Clinton for having an affair, the pressure got so great you had to let off some steam and have an affair? Here’s what you told Pat Robertson:
“There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”
Learn from your mistakes, “Newt!” Kick back and enjoy life! Stop and smell the TRUMP steaks before “things happen”!
Anyway, I just want to be the first to congratulate you on your new job! I’ve asked Mr. TRUMP for a speaking spot at the convention so I’ll probably see you there. Together, you and I will bring in the Old White Guy (OWG) vote and Make America Great Again!
P.S. Will you please send a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite vice-presidential candidate! He likes you even better than Chris Christie!
P.P.S. Watch out for that guy! He’s got sharp elbows! And I think he might have the weight advantage on you too!