Chairman, President, and CEO
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. TRUMP,
I’m starting to think you’re not reading my letters! The reason I’m suspicious is I just received the exact same letter from “Team Trump” that I got last week. It wasn’t signed again, and they sent me another “Make America Great Again” bumper sticker. Could you ask them to at least send me a different bumper sticker next time? I want one that says:
OLD WHITE GUY FOR TRUMP
Speaking of old white guys (OWG) for TRUMP, how’s it going with your search for convention speakers? I bet it’s going great because here’s what you tweeted:
“The speakers slots at the Republican Convention are totally filled, with a long waiting list of those that want to speak.”
Who did you pick? I hear Ben Carson is……s………s…………s……………s……………..
……….whoops! Sorry! I must have nodded off. What was I saying? Oh yeah—Ben Carson. He’ll be good for calming the rioters, but the problem is he’s not an old white guy (OWG).
I heard Ivanka’s going to speak. This is a big mistake! I know, I know--she’s a 10 and all that. And like you said:
“You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”
But still—we need old white guys (OWG)! And besides, did you know Ivanka called you a “feminist”? How are you going to get the old white guy (OWG) vote when your own daughter is insulting you like that?
How about David Duke? He’s a white guy and he’s starting to get old (OWG). He’s not busy being the Grand Wizard of the KKK anymore, and he’s stopped running for president, so I bet he’s available. He said your last tweet showing Crooked Hillary with a Star of David and a pile of money was “absolutely true.” That guy loves you! Here’s what else he said:
“Voting against Donald Trump, at this point, is really treason to your heritage.”
Speaking of running for president, when David Duke ran for president in 1988, he only got 47, 047 votes. You’re doing much better than he did!
Romney, McCain, Kasich, Bush, Bush, & Bush—they’re all out. Senators Graham, Flake, Sasse, Blunt, Ayotte, Murkowski, Kirk, Johnson, Moran, and Burr are out. Representatives Gowdy, Blunt, Mulvaney, Stefanik, Love, and Chaffetz are out. Governors Sandoval and Mead are out. No football players either. Tom Brady? Mike Ditka? Out!
But I know one old white guy (OWG) who’s available to speak at your convention:
I know, I know—You’re saying, “But Carl, you’re just a nobody and a loser who couldn’t collect a paycheck from one of my bankrupt casinos!”
And I say to you, Mr. TRUMP, that’s my point! I’m the guy who no matter how hard I work, I can’t get ahead. I’m the guy who remembers when the only time I saw black and white together was on my 14 inch Zenith TV!
I’m the guy who wants to keep my 2nd Amendment right to own an AK-47 so I can protect my family from the terrorists and rapists and Mexicans and gays who come into my store to buy potato chips.
By the way, when you become president, can I keep my 60 inch flat screen? My 14 inch black and white Zenith doesn’t work anymore.
Anyway, I’m available to speak at your convention. My wife Viola will watch the grocery store for me. I invited her to come with me but she said she’d rather eat a bag of maggots. So I guess I’ll come by myself.
I’m writing my speech right now! I’ll send you a copy as soon as it’s done.
Make America Great Again! Get out the OWG vote!
P.O. Box 657
Washougal, WA 98671
P.S. Are you going to ask Clint Eastwood to speak? He’s a good OWG and there should be plenty of empty chairs for him to talk to.
P.P.S. Don’t forget to send that autographed photo to my grandson Lester. I hear you’ve been having trouble fundraising so I’ve enclosed a quarter to help with the postage.
P.P.S. Please send a receipt.