Mr. “Boris” Johnson
House of Commons, London
Dear Mr. “Boris” Johnson,
Say it ain’t so! I just wrote you a letter last night congratulating you on Brexit and how you were going to be the next prime minister of England, and then you said this:
"Having consulted colleagues and in view of the circumstances in Parliament, I have concluded that that person cannot be me."
What?! It’s a Borexit! I just have one question:
Do you get Amazon.com in England? The reason I ask is that TRUMP wig you’re wearing doesn’t work. It’s too messy in front and you haven’t got the side fenders right. Click on this link:
You see? That’s a much better TRUMP wig! It’ll give you that Vegas Elvis meets Mussolini look that’s all the rage these days. And it’s only $11.88! It might cost more to ship it to the UK so you’d better hurry while you still have some stocks left!
I have another question: Does everybody in the UK speak with a British accent? The reason I ask is I have an English friend who lays on his British accent extra thick whenever he gets in an argument. All he has to say is:
“I’m gobsmacked that you told those EU wankers to bugger off! Well played, mate!”
His IQ goes up 20 points! He wins the argument every time!
52% of your country voted to leave the EU. Does that mean 52% of the UK doesn’t have a British accent? Here’s another one:
"Quite why you think it appropriate to write emails to UK parliamentarians with a begging bowl for your father’s repugnant campaign is completely beyond me."
Natalie Mcgarry said that. She’s some sort of MP from Scotland. I know, I know—Scotland isn’t technically Britain. But still…. They all sound the same to me.
That MP Mcgarry lady was complaining to Mr. TRUMP’s son because he was hitting her up for campaign contributions. Has he asked you? I hope if he does, you’ll chip in a few bucks. Or could you spare a few pounds? I hear they’re not worth much anymore, anyway.
I think I know why you decided not to run for England’s prime minister and here’s why:
You’re going to be Mr.TRUMP’s running mate! I know, I know--You’re saying, “But Carl, I’m not an American citizen.”
And my answer is: Don’t get coy with me, Mr. “Boris” Johnson! For years, Mr. TRUMP has been saying President Obama’s not an American citizen. Precedent has been set! If Obama can be president, so can you! Besides, you look more like an American, if you know what I mean.
Speaking of looks, did you see Hillary and Elizabeth Warren the other day? They had matching blue pants suits! They had matching hair! They even yelled the same!
How is Mr. TRUMP supposed to compete against that? He’s not even allowed to insult women anymore and now he’s getting ganged up on by two of them! Remember when he said:
“If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?”
You see? If Hillary can’t satisfy America, she’ll just tag Elizabeth Warren and maybe she can.
That’s why Mr. TRUMP needs you, “Boris” Johnson, to be his running mate! He can’t find anybody else! You’ll be much better than Newt!
It’ll be an epic tag team match like the World Wrestling Federation has never seen:
BATTLE OF THE CLONES!
Remember to always wear a red tie. And an American flag lapel pin. And make sure to order that new TRUMP wig!
Don’t forget your passport! It’s getting tougher to get in these days.
Make the United Straights Great Again!*
*P.S. Did you hear Mr. TRUMP say, “I’ll withdraw the ‘United Straights’ from the Trans-Pacific Partnership,”? Do you support his position? You can call it “Strexit.”
P.P.S. Will you please send me a photo of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TRUMP clone. He likes you even better than Mr. TRUMP! (The student passes the master.)