Chairman, President, and CEO
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. TRUMP,
Carl Estrada again. I noticed you never answered my last letter and I think I know why:
It’s my name.
Just because my name is “Estrada,” you think I’m some Mexican who wants to mow your lawn. But guess what? I don’t want to mow your lawn and I’m as American as that Mexican judge who was born in Indiana!
Only I was born in New York. And no, I’m not Puerto Rican and no, I don’t want to shine your shoes either.
Like I said in my last letter, all I want to do is advise you and all I ask in return is an autographed picture. But I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I take advice from some Mexican named Estrada when I don’t know anything about him?”
Fair enough. Let me tell you about my heritage:
My great great great grandpa Rolando Estrada fought in the Alamo. It’s true! He fought to defend his country against the immigrants who were a bunch of drunks and killers and rapists who didn’t want to conform to the native culture, didn’t want to speak the language or adapt to the national ways.
You can imagine how mad this made the government, so they decided to take those immigrants out. And they did! My great great great grandpa fought bravely alongside Santa Anna’s soldiers to defend Mexico against Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie and all those other immigrant rapists and killers who wanted to destroy the Mexican way of life.
The Mexicans killed most of the immigrants’ slaves too.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the Alamo. My great great great grandpa Rolando fell in love with an American girl. She made her living the only way she could in those days—making soldiers happy. You would have liked her! She was a 10! And she was young enough to be your daughter.
Speaking of your daughter, remember when you said: “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
What’s your point, Mr. TRUMP? Since when have normal conventions stopped you? You didn’t make 10 billion dollars by playing Mr. Nice Guy! Where would you be if you had paid your bills to all those carpenters and painters and dishwashers and lawyers who said you owed them money?
Where would you be if you hadn’t bilked those losers out of their life savings so they could get Xeroxed copies of Wikipedia articles from TRUMP University?
No, Mr. TRUMP! You play by your own rules! Which is why you’re only down 12% in the polls! If you want to “date” your daughter, go right ahead! Here’s what else you said:
“Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father . . . ”
What does being happily married have to do with it? What does being her father have to do with it? Woody Allen married his daughter! I know, I know. She was only his adopted step-daughter. But still… are you going to let a little schmuck like Woody Allen out-do you? Besides, you didn’t say you wanted to marry her—you just want to “date” her!
By the way, “schmuck” is a Yiddish word. Look it up.
I think Woody Allen is probably an American, too. Even if he is Jewish.
Back to my story. So great great great grandpa Rolando married my great great great grandma Sophie, and it’s a good thing he did too. Because right after the Mexicans slaughtered the immigrants at the Alamo, a whole wave of immigrants came in and slaughtered the Mexicans! Then guess who the immigrants were?
And great great great grandpa Rolando’s life was spared because he married an American. The rest is history, as they say.
By the way, remember when you said: "I employ thousands and thousands of Hispanics. I love the people. They're great workers. They're fantastic people.”
Well, Mr. TRUMP, I’m a great worker and a fantastic person too—even if I’m not Mexican. So please! Let me be your advisor! This letter and the last one are examples of the fantastic advice I will give you. And all I ask in return is an autographed picture of you.
Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite billionaire politician! He likes you even better than Berlusconi!
Make America Great Again! Remember the Alamo!