Chairman, President, and CEO, The TRUMP Organization                 725 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10022                                                                               

Dear Mr. TRUMP,

Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Carl Estrada and I am a neighborhood grocer.  Wait, wait!  Before you throw this letter away and fire your staff for allowing this germy little piece of garbage from a common street peddler to contaminate your desk on the 98th floor of the TRUMP Tower, let me brag:

I was President George W. Bush’s number one advisor and the reason 26% of Americans didn’t think He was the worst president in history!  From the moment He liberated Iraq from The Evil Dictator, I wrote letters to My President almost every day!  I helped Him look for WMDs.  I showed Him how to use Photo Shop to erase that “Mission Accomplished” sign. 

I gave Him the heads-up when His American flag lapel pin was crooked.

Now I’m ready to advise you!  I know, I know!  You’re saying, “Why would you, puny Carl Estrada, think you could help me, the mighty Donald J. TRUMP, when I could squash you like a bug except I wouldn’t because you would stain the bottom of my Gucci shoes?”

Here’s why you need me, Mr. TRUMP.  Those illegal Mexican rapists you’ve been hiring are not doing their job!  In fact, they’re conspiring against you!  Here’s how I know:  In your website called, “How to Contact Donald TRUMP” http://www.tingmo.com/business/how-to-contact-donald-trump-with-letters-and-emails.php, right after the part that says, “he is not only a very busy guy but also can be mean sometimes,” and “Celebrities like him usually don't bother to answer any request from common people,” it says:

“Emphasize on why you like him or her.”

Mr. TRUMP, I took a writing class at night school so I know bad English when I see it!  “Emphasize on why you like him or her”?  Bad English!  Later it says:

“Figure out where Donald TRUMP live? He lives in New York and he got a public relation office there too."

Is this any way to run a multi-billion dollar business, Mr. TRUMP!!!???  But I’m not done yet!  There’s this:

“The best way to get in contact with Donald Trump is to visit to places where he goes frequently. Or wait outside his office building. That way you get to talkk to him personally.”

Have I got your attention?  I’ve spotted a lot more mistakes than I’ve shown you but I’m a businessman too, Mr. TRUMP, and here’s where you and I can cut a deal.  My terms are simple.  In your website you say:

“If you have any pictures of Mr. Donald Trump or his family, make a copy and send one to him; this way he will know how much you are into him.  He might even send the photos back, but with his autograph on them.”

Well, Mr. TRUMP, I don’t have a picture of you or your family, and I would like one.  Autographed.  You can make it out to my grandson, Lester.  He’s totally “into” you.  You’re his favorite cranky billionaire candidate.  He likes you even better than Ross Perot. 

This letter is just a small sample of the services I have to offer, Mr. TRUMP, and if you play ball, I will be your eyes and ears! I’ll watch your back if you’ll scratch mine.  But if you don’t send me an autographed photo?  Well, I might just have to advise Hillary instead.  Imagine how she could use all your grammatical errors?  Capiche?

“Capiche” means “understand” in Italian.  They were once rapists too!

Make America Great Again!  Build a moat!*

Carl Estrada

P.S. Could you settle a bet?  I say you’re worth 10 billion bucks but my wife Viola says you’re not worth the cost of an orange wig on Amazon.  Who’s right?

P.P.S. You can get an orange wig on Amazon for $14.95. 

*I bet you’re wondering where we can get all that water to build a moat around our border:  California!  You said it yourself: “There is no drought!”

P.P.P.S.  I’m a good fact checker too!