Monday, January 19, 2009
To: Ex-President George W. Bush
Somewhere in Crawford, Texas
Dear Mr. Ex-President,
I just want to be the first to say congratulations on a job well-done! America gives You a Twenty-one Shoe Salute!
I know grown men aren’t supposed to cry, but on this, Your last day of being My President, my keyboard is flooded with tears. Because, I’m proud to say, I’m one of the patriotic 26% of Americans who don’t think You were the Worst President of All Time! Here’s why, and I can sum it up in one word:
Herbert Hoover. Hoover was much worse than You! He got the government off the corporations’ backs and started the Great Depression. You got the government off the corporations’ backs and You only started the Great Recession! After January 20, if we go into a depression--Tag, you’re it! It’s Obama’s fault!
Here’s another reason You’re not the Worst President of All Time:
James Buchanan. Buchanan was blamed for the Civil War because he allowed slavery and secessionists to spread, and then Lincoln had to bail him out. You almost started a Civil War, but my point is, You didn’t. You only started two foreign civil wars. But don’t worry--Obama will bail you out, just like Lincoln bailed out Buchanan.
I’ve got another reason You’re not the Worst President of All Time:
Warren G. Harding. Talk about scandals! Harding had the most famous corruption scandal in history: The Teapot Dome Scandal. Something about a guy who was Secretary of Interior accepting bribes and illegal loans so he would sell oil leasing rights to his business buddies. Can you imagine?
Compared to that, the Ignored August 6, 2001 CIA Memo, the Scooter Libby/Valerie Plame Spy Outing Scandal, the WMD Scandal, the Enron Scandal, Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, Secret Renditions, Warrantless Wiretapping, Haliburton No-Bid Contracts, Hurricane Katrina, Illegal Justice Firings, Signing Statements, K Street Lobbyists, Cheney’s Secret Energy Task Force, the War on Science, Manipulated EPA Reports, Ground Zero Declared Non-Toxic, the Walter Reed Army Hospital Scandal, the Sub-Prime Mortgage Scandal, the Blackwater Scandal, the Interior Department Sex Scandal, the Terry Schiavo Scandal, the Pat Tillman/Jessica Lynch Scandals, Jeff Gannon the Male Prostitute Scandal, the Trillion Dollar Deficit, and the Oh-By-the-Way-Where’s Bin Laden (?) Scandal...
Wait a minute--I have to catch my breath. Anyway, those are nothing compared to the Teapot Dome Scandal! You didn’t even have sex with an intern!
But the main reason You’re not the Worst President of All Time is this:
You kept me SAFE!
You were My President for eight years and in that time, I was never killed in a terrorist attack! I’ve never even seen a terrorist the entire time You’ve been My President!
My house is a little crowded now, because all my kids have lost their jobs and their houses, so they and their spouses and my grandkids have all moved in with Viola and me. And my little neighborhood grocery store that I’ve owned for thirty years is getting squeezed by the Wal-Mart that just took up the whole block.
But the important thing is I’m SAFE! The only times I haven’t felt SAFE! since You’ve been My President are when I traveled outside the country. But once I started wearing my “Canada” hat, nobody bothered me anymore.
I guess You could say the 4,000+ Americans who were killed in Iraq are safe now. And the hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who were killed--they’re safe, too. What about the two million Iraqis who had to get out of Iraq? I wonder if they’re safe?
I’m not worried about Bin Laden, either. Obama will catch him.
I guess You could say that the 3000 people who were killed at the World Trade Center on 9-11 are safe now.
By the way, what are You going to do now that You’re a private citizen? I guess You won’t be writing a book.
Maybe You could go on a speaking tour--as long as You stay in the country. I don’t think they’d arrest You here.
On second thought, maybe You should stay in Crawford, Texas. I’m sure nobody will arrest You there. And I think Cindy Sheehan is gone now.
Maybe You could get a job as a brush cutter. You had a lot of practice when You were My President, and I hear You’re pretty good at it. I’ve got a whole lot of Scotch Broom at my house. You think Saddam Hussein was evil! Wait till You see my Scotch Broom! Anytime You want to cut my Scotch Broom, come on over. I’ll pay You top dollar!
On second thought, scratch that idea. I have a big, hundred year old cedar in my yard, and You might cut it down by accident, and it would fall on my house and crush it, and then while You’re trying to cut the tree out of my house, sparks might fly out of Your chain saw and set my house on fire.
Besides, I don’t want You getting arrested. I think You’d better stay in Crawford.
Do You like poetry? I think You must because Karl Rove said You read 51 books in 2007 and another 40 in 2008. Of all those books You read, some of them must have been poetry. So, as You leave the White House for the final time and I bid You a tearful farewell, I’d like to leave You with a famous poem, a poem that sums up the gratitude and affection the nation feels for you as we say goodbye, a poem that speaks for the rich, the poor, the powerful and the oppressed, black, white, and brown, in every corner of the globe. A poem that eloquently expresses what I, Carl Estrada, humble neighborhood grocer, am at a loss for words to say. And here it is:
Don’t let the door hit ya,
Where the Good Lord split ya!
Still Your Biggest Fan,